All right, as promised in yesterday’s post, here’s my color-coded threat assessment list for pornography consumption (patent pending). The U.S. Department of Homeland Security is expected to implement this assessment itself by the end of 2009. Violators of Levels 2 or Level 3 have a high probability of a visit, and severe beating, by Sister Mary Malcontent over there on the left. Unless of course you like that sort of thing, in which case the beating will come from this guy right here. (Violators of level 1 don’t want to know who, or what, might be visiting or what they might do to you.)

This post should satisfy the quota for sexual gratuity in my subject matter in this blog for the next week, give or take, thus securing the Deacon Blue moniker and reassuring people that despite my many other posts that don’t involve sex, I’m willing “to go there” for the ratings.

Porn User Threat Assessment Table

Level 1: Brown Alert

Status: You view porn that actually features foul, abusive and illegal/morally repugnant actions, such as kiddie porn, porn that include actual torture or rape, or snuff films.

Assessment: You are a steaming pile of defecation straight from the bowels of a carrion-eating animal with a terminal case of colon cancer and a parasitic infestation in its guts. You should immediately destroy all of the nasty porn you own, which is so foul that to even call it “porn” besmirches the questionable moral character of hardcore S&M porn and its ilk. After destroying this porn, you should immediately seek professional help and seek Jesus, in that order. You are a potential threat to someone helpless or innocent. If you are at threat level BROWN and actually claim to be a Christian whose salvation is assured, I would suggest you re-examine that assumption, because I think you’re dead wrong…and probably hellbound.

Level 2: Tan Alert

Status: You own porn that simulates the activities above by such means as using adult actors who look very young and portray children having sex or animated porn that glorifies rape, child sexual abuse, and the like.

Assessment: You aren’t that far off level brown, dude (or dudette). You are a shit smear on an already soiled pair of undies. To own this material is to be someone who quite likely aspires to own something in the BROWN alert level of porn. Same advice as for the BROWN level porn user. You have something off in your head and you are a potential danger if you don’t curb yourself now.

NOTE: Anyone in the BROWN or TAN alert levels who is now (or has in the past) actually engaged in something like rape, sex with a child, or the like—either in addition to owning such porn or in lieu of it—must immediately pass “Go” and head directly to jail. Do not destroy your porn but instead box it up neatly and give it to the nice police officers as you confess to all your crimes and ask the court to take no mercy on you in terms of sentencing. Then seek Jesus. While you are in prison and when you leave prison, seek counseling to turn yourself into a human being instead of a monster.

Level 3: Scarlet Alert

Status: You own either very hardcore porn (such as extreme S&M or brown shower stuff or bestiality or something like that) or you own such an overwhelming amount of porn that you cannot interact with a member of the opposite sex in a normal human fashion and have no hope of a date, much less marriage. You also achieve this threat level if your time on the Internet is mostly spent looking for porn, such that you have turned into very nearly a full-time job.

Assessment: Please tone down the porn and get a life. A little Jesus might not hurt, either. And take a shower. You’re getting ripe with all that sweating and drooling in your dank room.

Level 4: Red Alert

Status: Your collection of movies at home is rather heavily slanted toward porn and/or your computer is filled with the stuff. Your porn isn’t necessarily extreme and you don’t spend all your time looking at it, but it’s become an addiction for you. It is causing damage to your relationship with your spouse or other sexual partner (if you have one) and/or you are allowing the porn to dictate and drive your expectations of what sex should be.

Assessment: Same as SCARLET level but you probably don’t need the shower as badly as he or she does.

Level 5: Goldenrod Alert

Status: You like porn, but you don’t let it rule your life.

Assessment: I have no problem with you. Carry on. Just make sure you put people first a good share of the time. People other than you, that is. If you only own erotic fiction and don’t actually use porn with visuals, you actually get to be Level 5.5, Chartreuse Alert.

Level 6: Cyan Alert

Status: You don’t own porn.

Assessment: More power to you. Just don’t get judgmental about those who do and aren’t hurting anyone in the process.

Level 7: Silver Alert

Status: You don’t own porn, and even when you have mental fantasies in the bedroom or for “solo acts” you only visualize your spouse.

Assessment: Are you kidding me? There are only two possibilities here. First, you are one of the most self-controlled people who has ever walked the face of the earth. (Even when I even try to visualize past events in my life with my mom or dad, both of whom were great parents, their faces always morph at some point, even if only momentarily, to some other adult figure in my life or some person I’ve never seen before.) The second possibility is that you are a damned liar and have visualized Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Katie Couric, Anderson Cooper, or some other media stud/babe on multiple occasions.

Level 8: Gold Alert

Status: You not only don’t own porn, you don’t even fantasize about your spouse, and you’ve never masturbated even a little bit.

Assessment: Are you human? Seriously. Might you be an android or something? Because if not, I don’t know what to say, except that please don’t try gunning for Jesus’ spot. It’s already taken.