All right, we covered first and second base yesterday, with me giving ringing endorsements for Christians to head to first and a pretty strong endorsement for stealing second base if possible at some point in a premarital relationship. Before I cover third base and home plate, though, a quick caveat about second base.

It’s true that I don’t consider it intercourse when you’re doing things like sucking a nipple or letting your kisses drift south of the neck but still staying north of the waistband. I don’t even qualify a “dry hump” as intercourse because the clothing barrier has not been compromised. But even so, it’s a form of gateway intimacy, shall we say? Sure, I think it’s bullcrap when we talk about gateway drugs—hell, I’ve known an awful lot of potheads and I’ve yet to meet one who really has ambitions to do anything but pot, except for a bare handful who do the occasional party once a decade when they score blow or the odd trip with some mushrooms once in a while. When it comes to drugs, people tend to be loyal to their original brand. But with sex, oh, that’s another matter.

It’s relatively easy to keep your wits about you when you stick to necking. But the moment your hands start drifting into bra cups or clothing starts to get unbuttoned, the momentum can be hard to stop. I’m not saying don’t go to second base; I’m just saying that a lot of folks, even with the intention of not having premarital sex, have a hard time not sprinting from second to third and then on to home plate.

So, on to the X-rated bases. How does the Deacon feel about third base, when people are actually handling the goods with hands or mouth or other non-procreative pieces of anatomy?

On the one hand, is it really fornication? I mean, the sexual act at its core is about both intimacy and the potential to create children, so things like oral sex wouldn’t seem to be complete enough sex acts to be fornication. A friend of mine once advised me in college that the gentlemanly thing to do by the first or second date was to be a cunning linguist with the object of your attraction without expecting anything in return (though not refusing return favors either). I took that advice to heart myself, making oral sex a sort of “ultimate kiss” to show I really cared.

On the other hand, if your sexual partner or spouse was sucking another person’s dick or licking someone else’s vagina, wouldn’t you see that as cheating? Certainly, if a married person could claim adultery because of oral sex, that would make it fornication, right?

Plus, there’s the nagging Webster’s definition that says fornication is consensual sexual intercourse between two unmarried people. And sexual intercourse, in turn, Webster tells us, can be either penetration of the Kitty by the Snake or other forms of sexual activity like oral sex, which don’t involve Tab A going into Slot B.

Folks, I think we have to admit to the fact that oral sex, at least, is sexual intercourse. Anal sex, too, most likely, though I’m frankly not all that sure whether anal falls into third-base or home plate territory. I feel a pull toward the latter, but then I wonder, is it all that different whether it’s a mouth or an ass? And so, for the moment, I will tentatively leave the home run as only the penis and vagina finally getting to know one another. So, if you’ve gone there (mouth-to-privates or privates-to-buttocks), you should probably assume you’ve crossed a line into premarital sex even though you haven’t made it to home plate yet. I mean, tasting someone else’s privates is pretty personal. And that back door ain’t nothing casual either.

That being said, I personally find my most spiritually and emotionally intimate sexual contact to be in the act of privates-to-privates sex. So perhaps that’s a sign that traditional intercourse is the only true way you can fornicate because that’s the sacred thing that married folks are supposed to share. Even so, it’s not enough of a sign for me to sign off comfortably on oral or anal being non-fornicative (is that even a word?) actions.

OK, running back to third base for a moment (no doubt because the catcher is chasing me to tag me out, or maybe because I’m really disorganized in my writing today) after getting sidetracked by home plate, I really can’t look at handjobs, footjobs, titjobs and the like as sexual intercourse. I just can’t. It’s sexual, no doubt. But I see it as just masturbation with help from a second party. It’s serious, sure, but fornication? Nah, I don’t see it.

And now, to get to our last area officially, instead of as a side note: Home plate.

I don’t think I need to go into that in any detail, do I? Between this post and the previous post and other posts in the past, I’ve made it clear that that’s a no-no before marriage. Granted, it’s a no-no that most Christians have (or will) say “yes, yes” to—and very emphatically I’m sure. There are certain sins we just don’t shy away from. Murder is pretty easy to pass on. Sex with animals, too, is pretty easy to avoid. But much like gossip, lies, disrespecting our parents and so many others, sex just is too easy (and also too nice) for most of us to pass up.

So, I simply tell you to tell you: Half of third base activity (at least) is likely a big “no” in God’s plan for the unmarried, and home plate is off limits to them, too—officially speaking. Do I really expect very many people to stick to first and second base? Not really. But here’s my advice, if you haven’t already crossed that line in your life:

If you can, and I mean this sincerely as someone who’s been there and kinda wishes he had done it differently—if the two of you can hold out until marriage before you break out the serious stuff, I think you may find that you will have a very special gift to give each other after you’ve traded vows. There are so many other ways to give each other pleasure before then that I think you owe it to yourself to at least consider saving actual intercourse for marriage.

You won’t just make God happy. If you truly love each other and stay the course in your life with each other, I think it will make you and your spouse pretty fucking happy, too, in the end.