Here begins a possibly monthly series wherein imaginary people’s burning questions will be answered (maybe) or ridiculed (likely) by the Hummus Idol. If you haven’t figured it out yet, say the name fast and you’ll get an idea of the kind of attitude this advice- and opinion-giver will possess. Take it all with a grain of salt, please.
I, the great and powerful Hummus Idol, will now entertain your questions and grant unto you the wisdom that only a pile of very angry crushed chickpeas, tahini, olive oil and other seasonings can offer. Don’t let the smiling face fool you. I am a fridge-cold killah. Bow down before me, speak your question, and incline your ears or any other convenient part of your anatomy as I spew my advice upon thee.
Q: Jesus tells us that we should love our neighbors but David Duke tells me I should only love my white ones. Who should I believe? – Cletus Percival MacNally, Vorchester, Mass.
A: That is “whom should I believe,” young man. The Hummus Idol does not abide poor grammar and hereby curses your descendants to rise no higher than working the fryers at Burger King, unto the seventh generation. Now, then…where were we? Ah, yes. Should you believe an embarrassingly self-important blowhard who once attended bonfires in forests with a bunch of guys who think white bathrobes with pointy hoods are a political fashion statement and who is associated with dangerously whacked-out website Strormfront.org…or should you believe a guy who brought people back from the dead, could turn tap water into Chardonnay and routinely drew crowds of hundreds to thousands wherever he strolled? If you need help on this decision, you are unworthy to breed and should forthwith remove your danglies with some pruning shears.
Q: We are a very devout, righteous and proper Christ-loving family with 19 children who, up until now, have been church-going, choir-singing, door-to-door evangelizing angels. But our 17-year-old girl has suddenly embraced tatoos, multiple head-to-toe body piercings, group sex, drugs and punk rock/heavy metal music. What can we do? – Mr. Edwin A. Demarcater Sr., Areola, Mont.
A: First, use these enlightened times to your advantage. Women can serve in the military in places just as dangerous as men have always tread before. Sign her up with whichever branch of the military has a recruiting office nearest to you, or send her to military academy if her GPA is high enough. This will probably do absolutely nothing to straighten her out, but it will give her additional complexes and allow you to wash your hands of the situation while feeling you have actually accomplished something. And there is only a very small two-digit percentage chance that she will one day use her military training to kill you in your sleep. Hopefully before you have a 20th child. Please see the previous answer for a possible use to which you can put those pruning shears in your garage.
(Image by Stewart Butterfield, who is not affiliated with this blog and who doesn’t even know I or my opinions exist, and used under Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 License)
(Hummus Idol does not speak as a representative or agent of Deacon Blue or anyone else associated with this blog. In fact, Hummus Idol doesn’t exist. He is wholly and completely a manufactured character that acts as an angry facade behind which Deacon Blue can hide for petty entertainment purposes and for times when he needs to be extra crusty and get shit off his chest. That said, you can feel free to shower the Hummus Idol with offerings of jewelry, money or fine art…he will make sure it goes someplace where it is needed.) View complete list of Humus Idol entries here.