I’ll be honest: May-December romances don’t make me warm and fuzzy very often. Doesn’t really matter what the respective genders are; I’m equally squidgy about older men with younger gals and older women with younger guys. I hate to be judgmental, but I always find myself wondering about the motives and, frankly, the judgment of those involved. Mind you, I’m not talking about five-year differences or even ten-year ones. Hell, at certain points in life, even 15 years ain’t bad. But there are few places in a person’s life where I can even wrap my mind around why two people with a 20 or 25 year difference or more could possibly connect on any meaningful level, unless the youngest of them in well into his or her 70s.

And sometimes—and we all know this in our hearts—even five or ten years can at times be a huge deal. Hell, to me, for a high schooler to be dating someone five years his or her senior is mind-boggling, and I pretty much assume the older member of the couple is a cradle-robbing perv.

Someone who’s fresh into college probably shouldn’t be getting together with someone 10 years older.

Fifteen years’ difference, to me, only becomes acceptable when the younger of the two is well into his or her 30s at the very least.

I know we’re talking adults mostly here (kids are always off limits for sex, but Miz Pink already addressed that in this post here), but still, even among consenting adults, lack of good judgment concerning age is still lack of good judgment. I know that my “rules” are somewhat broad-stroke and maybe not entirely fair. Also, I realize that all rules have their exceptions. But exceptions are supposed to be rare, and it feels to me like there are still way too many May-December things going on out there.

I mean, doesn’t it seem more than a little fucked up that Hugh Heffner is not only still sleeping with women less than half his age but also has some fairly young kids? And doesn’t it seem like Catherine Zeta-Jones with Michael Douglas is a little too much he’s-old-enough-to-be-her-daddy? And I just don’t get what brought Demi Moore and Ashton Kucher together aside from what I assume must be some pretty hot sex or something—if they have much else in common, I’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Taking it back to more down-to-earth folks, why do so many middle-age men still leave their wives (or at least cheat on them heavily) with women who are between 18 and 21 years old? Couldn’t you assholes as least get someone in the mid- to late-20s?

Some of this was brought to mind by the fact that my son just watched American Beauty, which is, by the way, a great film. It also has some disturbing stuff, like the unhealthy infatuation that Kevin Spacey’s character develops for his teenaged daughter’s equally teenaged friend. And lately, we seem to have a slew of female teachers going after their male students, a kind of pervy behavior that used to be the sole purview of menfolk. Must women take on the worst traits of men to feel truly equal?

I know this is a bit of a ramble this post, but I just don’t get it all. And don’t tell me about how in the Bible, or even in recent centuries, people got married in their teens and were already having babies. Times are different, and people live longer. We can, and should, wait until we are more emotionally developed these days. I don’t want to hear bull about “old enough to bleed, old enough to breed” or “old enough to cum, old enough to have fun.” Just don’t go there with me.

There is no spiritual or godly argument you can fashion without me wanting to laugh in your face or crack it in a couple places. We grown ups should be going after grown ups. I certainly can appreciate the beauty of the girls my son has dated, but I haven’t felt a twinge of lust for any of them. They belong to a different strata of humanity that I have no business having such feelings for. As far as I’m concerned, they might as well be another species.

But then again, people also use the Bible to support belief in plural marriages. Now isn’t that a great one, too. Men tacking on more, and generally younger, wives to keep having babies and to keep their dicks feeling young I guess. Yeah, really holy. Did any of them notice in the Bible that multiple wives were pretty much limited to the King of Israel? It wasn’t a wide practice to have multiple wives; it was a privilege of questionable merit. Just because Solomon had some young hottie “warming his bed” in his old age doesn’t mean you should, too.

(By the way, I actually did two posts today, so if you haven’t already done so, scroll down the main page of the blog to see the companion post to my adulterously oriented one a couple days ago, this time with men my wife might cheat on me with…just a little fun to counterbalance this bitter rant here.)

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