I’m going to let you in on some dirty little secrets of mine. A handful of women that I am, for varying reasons, kind of ashamed (and in at least one case, mortified) to say I would like to have known in bed already or, if my wife should pass away suddenly, have a crack at in bed in the future.

This is to be distinguished from the “Women I’d Break the 7th Commandment With” post, as I simply cannot see any of the women I’m about to list here actually wooing me away from my wife for even a quickie. It’s just that, well, were I on the market again, I probably wouldn’t be able to resist a damn one of them.

Helen Mirren

Sure, this woman is 23 years my senior (and a senior citizen), but damn. She somehow manages to both look her age and look good. Really good. I mean, most college-aged women probably couldn’t maintain a body this nice. Bonus points for having a British accent. Additional bonus points for being a tremendous actor.

Here are a few notable quotes that make me like her even more:

“Flesh sells. People don’t want to see pictures of churches. They want to see naked bodies.” (she has often appeared nude in roles)

“I’m a would-be rebel. The good girl who’d like to be a bad one.”

“It’s the creme-de-la-creme of bullshit.” (speaking about the Academy Awards)

“When you do Shakespeare they think you must be intelligent because they think you understand what you’re saying.”

Madonna

To be honest, Madonna was in her peak in the 1980s and early 1990s. I’m not saying she hasn’t done some good tunes since then; but she needs to sit her ass down. I’m not against women being sexual into their mature years (I mean, she’s only 10 years older than me and I don’t consider myself old, really). I don’t think that women (or men) have to exit the pop music business at a certain age.

It’s just that she’s ceased to be relevant. Long ago. She strikes me as someone who is desperately clinging to her place in the spotlight and trying to force her career on us far above any normal kind of promotion or marketing. She’s reinvented herself so often that I don’t think she knows who she is. I mean, the woman got into the Kaballah, which is something you really should be a really intellectual and/or mystically oriented Jew to be tackling. She’s been around the block so much that even if she has used a condom with ever one of her lovers I have to wonder what disease might be lurking.

But still. I can’t shake the notion that she could teach me and show me things that would make me forget my own name. This woman lured 33-year-old baseball star Alex Rodriguez from his soon-to-be ex-wife, who’s a pretty damn sexy woman.

Sarah Palin

I know, I know. The woman is evil. She panders to the worst in people, particularly in rural America, playing on the basest fears and fanning the flames. But I’ve just got to know if there’s a steaming vixen underneath her conservative exterior. Could she really be a “naughty librarian” type? Maybe it’s just the fact that Tina Fey gets sexier the more she riffs on Palin in “Saturday Night Live” skits and I’m just projected a growing Tina Fey lust onto Sarah Palin.

Maybe it’s just the “bad boy” thing with a gender twist. I know she’s wrong for me, I know she’d hurt me, I know we have nothing in common, I know I’d hate myself for waking up next to her. I’m mortified even now to admit all this, and I’ve never even shared the same airspace with her, much less knocked boots.

But I’m curious. Like every ignorant guy out there who thinks Barack Obama is a terrorist and lusts after Palin, I just want to know if those winks she keeps throwing out in her speeches are just for me.

(C’mon, gentlemen. And ladies. Don’t let me hang out here alone, now. Let me know who your guilty pleasures are. Confession is good for the soul.)