So…ahem…it was just like what…a few days ago that Deke and I posted on the topic of sex and I mentioned how it was an important glue to hold the marriage together. Mmmmmm well next time maybe I shouldn’t speak until my own affair are in order. It’s all good now I think but I spoke with authority while in the midst of my own problems. Or maybe it was just Satan getting a jab in at me. I don’t know.
You see last week a certain issue came up between me and Sir Pink and for the sake of protecting identities I won’t say whose problem was who’s. Let’s just say Spouse A and Spouse B and leave the genders out of it okay?
Last week Spouse A expressed a concern about something that was lacking in the sex department. Spouse A did so in the form of a letter and expressed desire to talk about it more spouse to spouse. Week didn’t go well and times and moods weren’t right for that and so the issue was tabled until this week.
A couple days ago Spouse A wanted to talk about it. Spouse B agreed with some reluctance. It still wasn’t a especially good week. Discussion became at points a quasi argument but Spouse B suggested an idea that Spouse A agreed was worth a try.
Next day Spouse A tried to broach subject again so that the two spouses could figure out the ground rules for the suggested idea. Spouse A suggested (unfortunately at the end of the day when Spouse B was in need of down time after a hard day) talking the next day. Spouse B said, “Why not now?” and Spouse A began discussion. Discussion turned bad. Feelings were hurt. Word were yelled. Feet were stomped. Teeth were gnashed. Wailing was heard. In short, discussion became argument. Ultimately a truce was declared and both parties agreed to put anger aside so that cuddling could take place at bedtime.
Following morning, Spouse A and Spouse B resumed discussions. Discussion didn’t become argument but feelings continued to be hurt (mostly Spouse A’s but really both of them got hit hard). Deeper problems were unearthed. Both spouses decided that there had been failings in terms of intimacy going way back. Also, Spouse A may have done (or failed) to do certain things that may not have helped intimacy be what it could have been. Spouses agree to cuddle later in the day, since both will be home early and before kids are around.
Before cuddling commences, Spouse B throws Spouse A a special bone intimacy wise.
Soon thereafter, Spouse A pampers Spouse B a bit.
Spouse A and Spouse B go upstairs to cuddle. Cuddling turns to making up.
I think I can stop there.
I guess what it comes down to is that my own house was in disorder. As a couple we just didn’t have our sexual life where it should be. We had different wants and needs in certain respects and different perspectives (Mars and Venus, anyone?) and we weren’t respecting each other enough in those respects.
Know what I mean?
But in the end despite how rough it was to get to the end we both realized there was not only an problem right in our face but other things we needed to take care of long term for the sake of remaining married (been down the divorce path once and don’t want to take it again) and more important remaining happy married couple.
It was all about sex. And interestingly enough sex was both the problem and the solution. And yet it also wasn’t about sex.
Sex isn’t just relationship glue appareently its also a puzzle wrapped inside a mystery and stuffed inside a riddle that’s decorated with enigma.
Let’s just say that I know exactly what you mean.
I would have liked some more info on the barebones of the discussion. Basically, how do you have these convos without them turning into an argument.
Well in the warm afterglow of…um…reconciliation…yah, that’s what we’ll go and call it…I can say the problem was both of us. A couple days ago (or some hours ago) I would have said I was completely in the right and so woulda Sir Pink.
See in our case there was a problem of approach. One spouse put up a huge emotional wall and repelled every argument with “so what?” “whats the problem?” or “why would that bother you?” The other spouse became ensenced and defensive and started whipping out past hurts and wounds that said spouse had let fester.
Basicaly, one spouse got too comfortable hiding in a cocoon and the other one got pent up waiting for the other spouse to notice the pain that was being caused. Like I said in the post…it’s a Mars Venus thing I guess. In general, men and women see thangs different. But maybe more to the point spouses see things different because each spouse is a different person.
Yah, we’re supposed to cleave together and become one and all that like the Bible says, but the problem is we’ll never be one person with one outlook. We’re still individuals.
The solution I think is to realzie that even though we see things different and have different expectations we need to have a unity in our goals.
If goal is to have strong emotional bond and be intimate then the two have to figure out what will allow that to happen enough for both partners. Each has to get some of what he or she wants and each has to be willing to compromise.
Where the convos end up in arguments is when one or both spouses don’t want to budge. Getting high and mighty and wrapped up in your own wants/needs/views/desires/pains/whatever is what sinks things so durn quick.
If we had started both of us with a goal of just figuring out how to make Spouse A able to get what Spouse A needed (not necessarily wanted but we was needed) it would have been fine. Instead, we got caught up in what Spouse B didn’t want to do and why Spouse A was mad. We acted like we were in a conference room but we had both dressed up for a boxing match and we were really starting off in opposite corners of a fighting ring.
I don’t know if that helps ya any but thats what I took away from this big ole mess that didn’t need to become one. But hey in the end we’re back on a road toward intimacy and thats a good thing. Just woulda been nicer if we had skipped the bare knuckle stuff.