Yeah, I’m going to talk about some serious S&M stuff today, as you can tell from the headline.
Oh, wait, guess not.
In actuality, I am going to talk about the marvels of married sex—at least as I see them. And to me, sex with my wife is anything but an idea of being bogged down in some routine. She is no “ball and chain.” She isn’t my “old lady.” She isn’t the “same cereal that I have to eat every day.”
I should note that this post was inspired by Big Man’s recent post at his blog, which not only put me in mind of sex with one’s spouse but reminded me how long it’s been since I addressed a sexual topic around here.
Now, like Big Man, I’m all for abstaining from sex until marriage. Not that I did it myself, nor will most folks, but I still advocate it. Also, my view on “abstaining” from sex is a bit more liberal than some, as evidenced by my Covering the Bases posts, part 1 and part 2.
But without going into what constitutes sex/fornication/etc. in this post, why do I think sex within marriage is so great? Am I a prude? Do I simply wish to deny others the fornication I enjoyed in life, however limited it may have been? Am I a hypocrite? Am I reverting to my Catholic roots?
None of the above. To put it simply, I think that sex with one’s spouse is the best sex one can experience.
Now, caveats must apply here, I admit. First, I haven’t had some vast sexual roster in my past—Deac’s “little black book” would have been more like a pamphlet. I have had very few sexual partners and the bulk of my premarital sex was with the future Mrs. Blue. Also, my observations are mostly from my own experience and a little bit from the experiences of some of my close friends.
Also, I hope it goes without saying that good sex with one’s spouse pretty much requires that there be a healthy relationship. Love. Mutual respect. Connection. Etc. Also, there are people who may not be legally wed who are, for all intents and purposes, a commited spousal pair—I’ve known and/or been related to more than a few people in such relationships. Just like I think it is possible for some people to be born again under Jesus and not even know it, I think it’s possible to be married without a pair of wedding bands. (But, I like the idea of people making it official, personally.)
With all those very broad caveats in mind, I will say that I think good married sex will beat good premarital sex in almost all cases.
I’m not saying that sex I had before marriage wasn’t good. But what I’m saying is that sex within the marital bed, or in the marital living room, or on top of the marital sewing table, or in the marital gazebo in the backyard during a sultry summer evening…mmmmm…um, where was I again? Oh, yeah, sex with one’s spouse, at least in my experience and limited research, involves far more than a physical coupling.
Far more than an emotional one, for that matter.
In sex with a spouse, I believe it is possible to connect with that person on a spiritual level. I believe that this kind of sex can sustain a pair of people and energize them and strengthen their relationship in ways that sex outside of a commited marital relationship cannot.
Not that I expect these insights to spawn some grand abstinence movement among the unmarried folks. But for those of you who do get a chance to compare the two, I wonder if you’ll find, as I do, that nothing beats sex with the “old ball and chain.”
i asked my therapist why it feels different with goldenboy, why things i may have done before which either bored me, left me cold or were uncomfortable i now enjoy or have great enthusiasm for. his response: you love the guy. and he loves you. you are building a future with him.
yes, marital sex IS different. when you have the 3 legs [trust, passion, commitment] it all feels different. so much better.
and yeah, i’ve been around the block a bit, i’m 50, fer crying out loud.
asked goldenboy about it [he’s been married 4 times before, lost count of the pages in HIS black encyclopedia] his response: oh god, r, i am so blessed to have met you. this is like nothing i’ve had before, it’s what i thought was only in the fairy tales i read my kids.
now if only i could convince my teenage daughters of this…
i think the fact that we are both observant in our faiths makes a difference too. i’m an observant jew, he’s a Christian. my comment: joshua ben josef was a very wise rabbi who made many people uncomfortable, still does. if more people who claimed to be Christian actually followed his teachings the world would be a lot happier, peaceful. his comment: same god, same prayers, and r, you observe the mitzvot, same as jesus did.
when you are married and you lose the connection, one of the first places it shows up is in the bedroom. symptom, not cause. punishment sometimes. great sex does NOT equal a great relationship nor does bad sex equal a bad one, but when great sex becomes lousy or non-existant sex, you have to look at what else is going on.
One of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother- Howard W. Hunter
Thanks, much, Robyn.
I agree that the bedroom is often the “canary in the coal mine” that helps illustrate when there are problems…as well often being the place were a strained (but not broken) connection or a sense of ennui can often be repaired (or at least shored up until repairs can be made).
Ive lived a little also, and I would agree to a degree with the marriage bit. I think the main thing we are talking about is commitment. Now I know this is a loaded one in regards to whether or not you can be committed without being married. But there are instances where I would say the couple is as or more committed than most married people I know. I did hear a really good one about sex, love and commitment.
Sex without Love and commitment is like Duck Tape, it hurts everytime you have to take it off.
Sex with Love and Commitment is like Super Glue, its almost impossible to detach from it.
I think it happens where there’s a “pair-bond” – a sort of spiritual marriage, if you will, that usually comes before the wedding, and that requires a connection much deeper than the act of sex itself. But you’re right, Deke. Married sex is where it’s at. Because sex itself is deeper than the physical, at least for humans. Without the additional dimensions of relationship, sex is incomplete, and it cannot be the best it can be. IMHO.
Your pair-bond theory seems sound to me.
(Gee, that sounded like Mr. Spock trying to talk about love, didn’t it…)