Deke agreed to let me be saucy with today’s topic, while he’ll throw his body on some other grenade topically speaking.
So, how’dya all feel about open relationships?
No, silly, I am NOT asking you if you’d like to get all jiggy with me or Sir Pink. Don’t email me with any photos of yourself or offers of salacious intent. I’m pretty much keeping my bedroom off limits to outsiders and I don’t much like the idea of me or Sir Pink going visiting anyone elses private parts. No matter how much I suspect he might want to go…there…someday. Maybe it’s just because I don’t see any good pickins for myself and won’t ease up on that idea until I have some options to pick from for myself too.
But I do wonder, is it all that bad? Is adultery really adultery if the two people in the marriage are OK with it? It’s not really cheating. No one is being lied to in the marriage.
Marriage may be between two folks, but does that mean you can’t invite a third or fourth or the entire crew of the good ship S.S. Open Minded for a visit?
Marriage I think is largely what the two people in it want to define it. Supposedly, everything is good in that ole marriage bed so I think as long as people are in agreement, I don’t think we can really be casting stones at people who go off on a little different track.
Anyhoo like I said, it’s not the kinda thing I’m into…at least not right now. And if Sir Pink is into it, he’s wisely keeping his mouth shut and waiting for cues from me before he broaches it.
So don’t send me any photos or emails. But I’ll keep an open mind about the whole notion. Sort of.
i’ve seen every type of relationship on the spectrum from totally closed to ‘come on in the water’s fine’ [this in the pre-AIDS days] [seen, not participated in, my spouse was of the totally closed variety]
it’s hard. there are all sorts of trust and attachment issues which present themselves when you bring additional persons into the intimacy of a marriage/quasi-marital relationship. you can have trust and attachment issues with best friends, expand that to emotional/mental openess of sexual exploration and it takes a VERY strong bond to survive.
and swinging/tripods/polyamoury are NOT the same as adultery. adultery is one-on-one sex with another, generally without the knowledge, let alone the consent or participant of the ‘main squeeze’
my personal inclination, having seen it all, been friends, best friends who’ve done it all, listened to them brag/vent/lust/cry?
one-on-one. no ifs and buts. we each have same/opposite sex friends, some with EXTREMELY high levels of intimacy [my relationship with carus amicus… we have each other’s back. always. don’t mess with meus carus amicus or you WILL suffer][and my brother? people used to wonder if he was my spouse] but for me, physical intimacy with someone other than the person i’m seeing would indicate there was something else wrong, something else lacking. symptom, not cause.
i told my current a fantasy of mine [never discussed fantasies with anyone before, and this is an odd one] he was mildly discomforted but said if that’s what i wanted to try, he was agreeable and would help me bring it about. i told him no, that for me, i want my fantasy to stay that way. that i wouldn’t be able to look at him the same after and didn’t want to know if it might change how he feels about me, even though he says he’d be supportive, that nothing could change his view of me, it would change MY view of ME.
what’s right for you, miz pink? tomorrow may be very different from today. you and your sig other want to try something new, think it through beforehand, how you will look at each other after, what you may see or find out about each other and if you’ll find that exciting or disturbing or threatening. you know what makes you feel good, feel right.
don’t let anyone tell you something is wrong for you because it is wrong for them.
every person, every ‘marriage’ is unique.
But I do wonder, is it all that bad?
Who defines bad? What about bestiality? How bout sex with older teens? When we rationalize going against God’s acceptable boundaries because it makes sense to us, we tread dangerous ground.
Ultimately it comes down to the relationship and how people define things. There are many couples that can and do participate in swinging without any issues, and obviously there are many that would be destroyed by even the suggestion. Who are we to judge what couples decide is healthy for them. I think the main point should be the health and wellness of the communication of the couple. It is important to remember that many times the fantasy is more fantastic than the reality. Life in real time seems to be much more messy. 😉
Chris,
I suspect Miz Pink is talking more about the grayer areas where things aren’t necessarily out and out verboten. Something like bestiality, for example, is just a plain no-no. But extra bed partners is a gray area…after all, what about all those multiple wives of the Kings of Isreal?
But I do have to note that while inviting someone into the bed as a matter of consent between the husband and wife may not be adultery, it does possibly tread on the ground of fornication, so it’s still not exactly safe territory.
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TitforTat,
I agree. Individuals really have to think things through and look at the reality of things and not get caught up at either end of the spectrum, be it closing their minds entirely or diving head first into something that might be very messy.
If this is a ‘gray area’ then I can only speak for myself – I deplore it.
As for multiple partners the worry has to be sexual disease plain and simple – heck even pregnancy at this point would be kind of worrisome. Maybe there is a good reason fornication and adultery are guidelines that made it into law – because of the potential damage that can be caused in this exchange of bodily fluids. Not to mention the plain old problems that human emotions can wreak in the situation.
All I know is this…if someone came to me for advice on inviting this into their relationship – I would strongly caution it – even to the point of warning them of the dangers involved and yes – this very well can turn into sin (relational problems) in seconds.
I don’t find it all that terribly gray myself…I think personally that it’s very dangerous. There are people in poly-style realtionships that make it work, but they are relatively rare and those that do work are structured more as a marriage of more than two (socially if not legally).
But myself, I’m kind of keen on keeping the marriage bed to two folks in my house.
Unless, of course, Angelina Jolie or Salma Hayek, for example, come knocking… 😉
team estana….
Great question, Miz Pink. And very wise reply, Robyn. I agree also, Deke, that polyamoury that works includes the element of commitment.
I think Robyn is right that this kind of open relationship is symptomatic – perhaps not of problems, per se, but of something lacking in the primary relationship. I believe that there is a spiritual element of a real marriage (http://silknvoice.blogspot.com/2009/02/definition-of-marriage.html). That element may be present in people who are “unmarried,” and it can be absent (and often is) in people who have tied the knot before God and the county clerk. So whether an open relationship is wrong or not isn’t the real question. That will depend on the individual circumstances and situation – sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t (more often is, in my opinion, but who am I to judge?). The real question is, what kind of relationship makes this open quality attractive?
I have a real hard time believing that a marriage that includes that spiritual pair-bond will be benefited in any way by opening it up to sexual intimacy with third parties. More likely, it will destroy that special element that makes marriage such a valuable and fantastic institution.
But if that element isn’t present in the relationship anyway – well, why not, so long as it’s done with mutual respect, honesty, and care? Is it really a marriage in the spiritual sense, or just words on paper and a legal partnership? And if the second, is there really anything of great enough value to matter if it’s lost?
I think many times people find that there was something valuable – too late.