I saw a recent post at Pajiba.com titled “2008’s Most Bangalicious Celebrities” and well, I guess Pajiba is frequented by many more women and gay men than heterosexual guys, because only three out of the ten are women. Not that I have any quibbles with their male picks from an objective standpoint, but I was left hanging. Sort of the same worked up and frustrated feeling one gets going to a strip club (hmmm…maybe my next sex post should be on that entertainment venue). To show you all my very flawed human side, I will admit that there exist certain celebrity women who could easily make me stray from the marital straight-and-narrow. In the interests of getting some “bangalicious” women out there for those of you who are interested, but mostly for entertainment purposes, here are my top ten women who could make me break the 7th Commandment in a heartbeat.
For the record, there are male celebrities that my wife has admitted could not only make her stray but probably make her leave my ass entirely. So far, that list is small, Benicio del Toro and Rick Fox, but considering she’d leave me for one of them, I don’t feel too bad having ten ladies that could make me take a weeklong vacation.
I may have some favorites in this list, but I’m not going to reveal them in “top ten countdown” style; just going to do this alphabetically.
It’s a shame that this very talented actor has been reduced to some semi-schlock-ish movies lately. She’s got brains, style, panache, talent and beauty for miles upon miles. She’s been given some good roles even in recent years, but too many people are enraptured by Halle Berry’s unearthly physical beauty that they let that trump that fact that Angela has much more talent and is only marginally less perfect physically. There have been many places I’ve looked at her and longed for her, but I think it was 1995’s Strange Days
in which I was totally captured by her mix of tough and sexy. The movie was forgettable; she was not. And in What’s Love Got to Do With It?
she almost made a better Tina Turner than Tina did, and that’s saying a lot.
Hey, I never said I was going to limit myself to real people. And as far as fictional women, particularly in the comic books, none is sexier to me than Catwoman, the chick that even Batman digs, and you have to imagine that he’s pretty hard to impress. In movies and TV she’s been pretty damn sexy too, from the ’60s-era version played in the campy Batman TV series by both Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt and clad in spandex, to the Batman Returns movie with Michelle Pfeiffer giving her a latex-clad upgrade in 1992, this is a bad girl who could make be bad too. I wouldn’t even kick the silly Halle Berry version from the Catwoman movie out for eating catnip in bed. In short, Catwoman can wrap her whip around me, purr in my ear and use me as a scratching post all night long.
Between her turn in Clerks II with an on-screen personality that screamed sexy-witty-smart geek goddess to her role in Sin City as a tough-as-nails gun toting lady of the night, what more could I ask for? OK, she’s got gorgeous eyes too, and a face that can sometimes be sexy and sometimes just plain cute. Nice smile too. She may not have the raw acting power of some her fellow Hollywood peers in this list, but she ain’t bad in her acting skills, and she once dreamed of being a marine biologist, so I’m going to bet good money she has a very nice brain in that head, too.
I understand she is a bit of a pain in the ass for directors, which suggests to me she might be a pain in the ass in general, but I’ve had it for her since the first time I really noticed her, in the movie The Last Seduction in 1994. That is a character that is so self-assured, so sexy and so raw in her sensuality that I would bed her even knowing in advance that she would probably do me as wrong as Peter Berg’s character Mike in the film. She hasn’t had as many roles that were so stand-out as that one, but I still liked her more sedate character in Dogma and was glad to see her in a role that didn’t completely waste her talents, as did the movie Men in Black. And it wasn’t until years after The Last Seduction that I re-watched 1985’s film Gotcha! and realized I had already fallen in lust with her once before when I was still in high school.
Look, I’ll be honest. I don’t know squat about Scarlett aside from having seen her in the fantastically sedate but gripping comedy Lost in Translation and having seen her on the cover of DVD cases for The Black Dahlia and The Prestige, neither of which I have seen yet, though I plan to. I admit that she’s a sexy woman, but I wouldn’t normally have put her in this list. However, my son insists that if a celebrity should ever steal me away from home life here for a lascivious vacation from my normal life, this should be the woman to do it. Basically, he’s in lust with her and he’s projecting, but I also respect his taste, so I won’t disrespect him by leaving her off this list.
The sexy woman who’s also a bit crazy is a draw for many men. I’m not entirely immune. Angelina has settled down a bit in recent years but I still sense there’s a bit of slightly scary in her psyche. She’s become too thin lately, and really needs to gain back about 10 or 20 pounds, but still, that face, those eyes and, most particularly, those luscious, full, mesmerizing lips—I wouldn’t leave my wife for her, but I’ll be the Mr. Smith to her Mrs. Smith (without all the gunfire, I hope) for a couple nights if she wants. Also, anyone who can make a video game character (Lara Croft the Tomb Raider, for those among you who aren’t geeks) pop in not just one movie but two—I mean, video games don’t translate well to the screen—hell, that gives me mad respect for her right there.
OK, look, it should be clear from my “Porn Again” posts that I’m not a stranger to porn movies (not exactly part of my daily diet either, mind you), so I had to include at least one porn star. In my childhood and much of adolescence, the Asian women were the ones who got my heart to pumping hardest, so it’s also important that at least one Asian represent in this list. Simply put, this woman has one of the finest bodies ever seen on any Asian woman, and she has eyes that seem to dig right into your soul. My wife, Mrs. Blue, is the only woman I’d rather spend hours staring into the eyes of. Scrumptious! I don’t know if there’s any other reason to be attracted to her beyond the physical, but don’t I deserve at least one entry in this list for pure eye candy value?
I’m really not that partial to blondes, I have to admit. Nothing against them; it’s just that brunettes have always been more my style. But Michelle Pfeiffer seems to retain her beauty, perhaps even grow more gorgeous, the older she gets. I’ve also liked her in most of the films I’ve ever seen her in (in terms of talent), from The Fabulous Baker Boys to Dangeous Liaisons and Ladyhawke to Batman Returns. She is radiant and I would gladly let my retinas burn gazing upon her from close up.
I’m a writer and editor by trade, and trained as a journalist. No media woman combines personality, intelligence, competence and sexiness in my opinion better than Soledad. If anyone should be gracing an evening news anchor desk after doing time on a morning show, it should be Soledad and not that annoying perky-yet-bitchy Katie Couric. In Spanish, her first name means “loneliness” or “solitude.” Well, my fair lady of the morning news, if you ever feel either of those emotions, let me know and I will ease your mind for a short time at least.
Yup, another blonde, despite my obvious preference for dark hair. And finally, an entertainment celebrity who isn’t an actor. Gwen can rock a dance club party girl look or a 1940s glam look with equal aplomb, and that’s pretty freaking impressive right there. She can be perky without a hint of being annoying. She can express deep melancholy in some of her songs without dragging down your mood. She can project depth and playfulness at the same time. You don’t have to change your hair color for me, Gwen. Call anytime and make me forget all those brunettes forever, except for Mrs. Blue, of course. I do have to go back home to her sooner rather than later.
(OK, I got the alphabetical order messed up with Michelle Pfeiffer and Soledad O’Brien, but after finagling the text and photos already, I ain’t switching their order now and messing this all up now…)
It should be noted that Gwen Stefani has since been replaced by Salma Hayek. Click here to find out more. In addition to the sin listed there, the fact that Gwen’s kinda cool quasi-punk/ska style music has given way to annoying shitty pop music irritates me. She used to be cool and quirky. Now she’s a sell-out