Tag Archives: Aliens

An Open Letter to Potential Alien Invaders

Dear Extraterrestrial Denizen of Technologically Advanced Capabilities:

Motion pictures throughout my life (some 43 orbits now around our star, Sol) have taught me that when you pass through our solar system, there is a good chance you will stop off at Earth (also known as Terra and situated as the third planet out from Sol) and attempt to destroy us. Or at least conquer us. Or perhaps leave after taking many of our natural resources.

I don’t fault you for this on a philosophical basis, of course, as I live in  a nation that promotes wealth creation and consolidation by the few most powerful in our society. So, I understand subjugation and the quest to take from others for self-focused reasons.

All the same, I thought I should inform you of certain facts of which you might not be aware before you take the step of sending robotic troops, or covering our planet in nanotech machines that reshape it, or perhaps invading our bodies and taking them as your own:

Weather…or Not

The climate really leaves something to be desired these days. We’ve done so many things to change the course of rivers and the carbon levels in the air, just to name two, that it’s really hard to predict when we’re going to get nice days anymore. Plus, it’s increased the chances for various natural disasters. So, there really aren’t a lot of places left that are predictably and consistently nice. I suppose I won’t begrudge you taking over those few spots if you refrain from disintegrating or enslaving those of us in other locales.

Ergonomics…No Go

Look, our furniture isn’t going to fit you right, and none of our shit is going to be at all ergonomic for you. Oh, I’m sure you packed plenty of crap in those starships but certainly not enough to furnish an entire planet. Since our existing architectures and accouterments aren’t likely to work for you, maybe you should go someplace else. I hear that the fourth planet in the Rigel XII system is based on nothing but bean bag-style furnishing, which should meet the needs of any conquering race as long as it doesn’t have a spiky body. If you are spiky, you could consider settling into the various punk or Goth scenes, as you will fit in well with all the piercings and occasional mohawks.

Don’t Go There…At Least Not Without Plenty of Lube

Look, those gray-skinned, big-headed, wide-eyed, long-armed extraterrestrials who’ve been buzzing our planet for decades now are not to be trusted. They are trying to pull a practical joke on you. Our anuses are not nearly as fun to probe as you’ve likely been led to believe.

Resources…We Ain’t Got ‘Em

We’ve used up all our fossil fuels just about. It’s likely you aren’t in need of those if you’re traveling interstellar distances, but maybe you get high off petroleum. I don’t know. But we’re running way low, so don’t bother. Also, as far as radioactive material, we’ve used so much of it for nuclear missiles and reactors over the years…not to mention a whole buttload of glow-in-the-dark crap…that I doubt we can supply enough to meet more than a few years of your need. Find a somewhat less developed planet. Oh, water? Ha! You need water? We’ve polluted so much of ours that you’re shit out of luck. We’ve even done a good job of fouling the oceans that cover most of our planet. And if you’re thinking of just grabbing what little clean water remains and going, that’s not gonna work well, now is it? You know how heavy that stuff gets. You’ll never make it out of our gravity well, and then you’ll crash and be stuck here on beaches with a bunch of fat-assed humans in too-small swimming suits on beaches that are a whole lot bigger and less interesting thanks to you trying to make off with the H20.

To Serve Man…With a Side of Mashed Grutilsnark

Finally, maybe you want to come here to eat us. Think again. Look, many of us are in famine-starved areas and thus really tough and stringy. In more developed nations, there are plenty of fattened-up humans, but you should see the things they put in their bodies. Most of us well-fed ones must be pretty toxic. If you’d seen some of the places most of us have been, you’d never want to put us in your mouth…or maw…or suck us through you proboscis or whatever. However, I am told that there is a large group of really juicy humans if you want a treat before you leave. They’re called politicians and lobbyists and most of them can be found in Washington, D.C. Trust me.

Deacon’s DVDs: Flicks I Never Tire of Watching

There are certain videos in my possession that I can watch over and over. Maybe not every week, but I could easily whip them out every month or two and never, ever tire of watching them. So, which ones? Let’s go…

Aliens

I think the predecessor to this sequel, Alien, is perhaps a technically superior movie. In terms of atmopshere, cultural impact, direction and acting, it is a better movie. But it doesn’t bear watching more than once every year or so. That movie is, essentially, a haunted house/monster in the basement kind of movie set in space. As such, without the thrill of mystery, and slow revelations of the creature, the mounting terror loses something on multiple viewings.

But the sequel, Aliens? Totally different story. One of the best action films ever made (Lethal Weapon, Die Hard and Terminator 2 are also among that pantheon; I would include many of the modern Chinese martial arts epics, but I consider them a whole other class of movie), Aliens is a roller coaster ride that keeps your interest without overwhelming you with unnecessary over-the-top action. There is emotional depth and characterization in the midst of the mayhem, and a wide array of diverse personalities, even among the colonial space marines, who could have easily been turned into a bunch of same-minded jarheads.

There’s even a motherhood/child angle that is played out both for the humans and the aliens, commentary on corporate ruthlessness, and how one can always find a way to be honorable and brave, no matter how long you’ve been a dipshit or a coward previously.

And Sigourney Weaver kicks total ass in this movie, without being some invincible person. She can be hurt, emotionally and physically, and you see that (This is also what makes Die Hard so watchable for me; for all the testosterone and manly trash-talk, Bruce Willis’ character get the shit knocked out of him and pays for every bit of progress he makes against the bad guys)

 

The Princess Bride

I love fantasy/swords-and-sorcery fiction and movies. Good ones, anyway. I love me a good comedy. But rarely, I think, do the two genres mix well. The Princess Bride is the exception to that “rule.”

It is one of the funniest movies ever, because the jokes rely more on presentation and the characterization the actors bring to their roles than they do on punchlines. It is a great swashbuckling fantasy with blades flashing and a little bit of magic and epic betrayals.

And behind it all, the premise that this story is being read to a sick child by his grandfather, and that in itself, as the child occasionally interrupts the story, brings such emotional wallops of the love and wisdom that a grandparent can bring that the grandfather’s final words to his grandson still move me to tears.

 

Pulp Fiction

Hands down, in my opinion (and that of Mrs. Blue and Son of Blue) the most re-watchable movie of all time. This flick manages to have pop culture references that seem to bear the test of time, and such colorful, sometimes insane scenes and characters that it never fails to entertain.

I seriously think I could watch this once a week and probably never burn out on it, though I try to respect the film by not risking that I might turn it into mere background noise, and make it just an every-few-months thing.

For those who don’t know about this movie, I don’t know how to begin to describe it adequately. For those of you who’ve seen it and hated it, I don’t know what to tell you or how to explain how wrong you are.

This movie is a genius piece of non-linear storytelling. Of intersecting lives. Of violence for good reason and violence for the sake of violence. Of eloquent yet foul-mouthed hit men. Of honor among thieves. Of love. Of choosing the right path in life. Of losers who make good. Of the difference between a Whopper and a Royale with cheese. Of bad people who sometimes get what they deserve. Quentin Tarantino pulled out all the stops on this movie while still keeping an interally coherent tale (Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs was a strong and good movie for his first effort, and Jackie Brown was a good post-Pulp Fiction film that I really enjoy too, but Quentin will never top his sophomore effort.)

With dialogue that almost never, ever slacks; a killer soundtrack with such eclectic music and songs that it make my ears celebrate; and with top-notch acting and direction, this movie is a pure joy. Violent, yes. Bad language, oh yeah. Sex and drugs, you betcha. But one of the best…movies…EVER.