Well, haven’t had a post on sex for a while, so why not make it up to you by making it our “Two-fer Tuesday” topic this week. Of course, with an open-ended topic like this, where to start? Well, how about with some of the open ends we use during sex.

Your Mouth

Look, if you want thoughts on oral sex, go to this post; that’s not my topic here this time (Oh, calm down you horny folks out there…I’m sure I’ll come back to the subject again one day). No, there are two other things you should be doing with that mouth that I think are perhaps more important.

First, talk to your sexual partner (spouse, ideally, but I know all you single people ain’t virgins, Christian or otherwise). Tell that person what you like and tell them, most importantly, when they are doing something really right. Let them know right then and there. But also, just be willing to talk. Be willing to joke, even. Haven’t all of us had awkward moments in bed or failures to “be all that we could be?” Don’t make flub-ups a big deal. Keep it light. Sex is serious business, but if we get too serious about how we do it, we’re going to screw all the fun right out of it.

Second point about the mouth: Kiss, damn it! Kissing is important. It’s important day to day, it’s important for the warm-up routine before you really hit the sheets, it’s just really important. And let’s hear it for good oral hygiene, folks. Bad breath might be one of the surest ways to make your partner think you’re taking him or her for granted. And never start thinking that kissing is some simple activity. Much like the full-monty kind of sex, there are a lot of things you can learn about kissing, no matter how long you’ve been doing it, from new places to kiss to new ways to kiss those places.

Your Tunnel of Love

I would urge women to stop douching the hell out of their holiest of holies. Cleanliness is next to godliness, but your parts are mostly self-cleaning, thank you very much. Minor manual cleaning is all you should ever need. Men, stop making the smelly fish references to women’s parts, too. If there’s truly a bad smell, that’s a personal thing and maybe that woman needs some medical help. Women don’t smell like wharf-side food stands in general, so let’s stop with the tuna comments, OK? And if you don’t like the natural smell of a woman, take up celibacy.

Your Pocket Rocket

OK, the penis doesn’t have much of an opening, but he is an open end. He’s also an open book. Few things telegraph a man’s feelings more honestly and more unforgivably than a boner. Sadly, this eager muscle also has a tendency to let men down at inopportune moments. Ladies, a few things you need to realize if you haven’t figured it out already. First, sometimes, the equipment just lets us down by being too eager or just not doing anything. That’s nothing personal; it’s just a cruel joke on us. Second, I think we men should be able to let you admit that often, you do think that size matters. Just don’t get caught up in thinking that’s all that matters. A good driver in a compact car is always way better than a bad one in an SUV.

Your Derriere

Look, folks, this is not an all-or-nothing affair here. There are many ways the hindquarters can come into play in sex, whether for teasing or more aggressive activities or something in between. I’ll pretty much stop there because I know I have some squeamish readers. Just  keep an open mind. And keep it clean down there, just in case, OK. (All right, I’ve said too much now, haven’t I?)

Your Ears

Oh, you need to get your mind of the gutter on this one. I mean, really! OK, yeah, this can be an erogenous zone but please, don’t do anything there that will mess up the works, all right? That’s all I’m going to say on that, because people can do some crazy shit sometimes. Do please nibble, suck, lick and kiss them with abandon though.

But seriously, your ears need to be one of the most open parts of your anatomy if you want good sexual relations in your relationship. Listen to your spouse. More than that, really hear the person you say you love. Sometimes, that means picking up cues and realizing what they haven’t said or what they want to say. If your spouse says, “No, that’s OK, I’m fine.” It may really mean that he or she is trying to be nice to you, and maybe the nicer thing would be to spring a little sexual surprise on that person. Likewise, your man or woman may say, “let do it” but if those eyes are telling a different story, maybe the best thing would be to do it another day. Ask questions. Answer honestly.

Also, feel free to whisper some sweet nothings in those ears or even talk some of that dirty stuff. Good sex means bringing all the senses along for the ride.

(For Miz Pink’s take on sex today, go here.)