Good day, I am Sister Mary Malcontent, a member of the Merciless Order of the Riding Crop and headmistress at the Marquis de Sade Academy of Secondary Learning. As some of you may already know, I have had a hand (wielding a hickory switch at the time, as it happens) in helping Deacon Blue to draft some of his official discussions on matters sexual (see the Porn Again Threat Assessment and Whips and Chains and Gags…Oh My).
It has come to my attention, particularly as the porn again threat assessment system (patent pending) gains broader appeal, that there may not only be types of pornography that you are concerned about but, indeed, methods of sexual intercourse itself that you may worry blur the line between acceptable and forbidden. And, while I am quite…liberal…in my views on what is acceptable, it is certainly true that there must be social and sexual order, and my sisters and I are here to enforce that. Rigidly.
The good deacon is a bit…tied up at the moment…not that I had anything to do with arranging that…and I thought I might take time during his enforced absence to apply some of the ratings of the porn threat assessment table to some areas of sex that might cause you concern with regard to just how immoral they may be. So, without further ado…what the hell?
(Sound of a chain crashing to the floor and the squeak of door hinges.)
Halt, senator! On your knees, you craven dog. Now, now, johnny-boy…We are not finished with your session. That’s right, worm, slip that cuff back on your ankle and return to kissing the toes of your running mate. Get that smug grin off your lips, sarah-girl. I’ll be signing my name in red across your ass with my malacca cane in a few minutes.
Where was I?
Oh, yes, questionable sexual acts and their level of threat to society and to your possible standing as a human being. Well, such as you are, anyway. You’ll never be as fully realized in your humanity as I am, no matter how much I purify you with hot wax and floggings. Note that I will only be covering questionable areas. Pasttimes that involve children and animals are completely outside the realm of decency, as is permanent scarring or overt assault, unless those latter two are performed against certain of my rivals, whose names I can provide to you upon request.
Biblioerotica: I am hereby coining this term, and if you should hear anyone else use it, notify me so that I may extract royalty payments in the form of cash or physical pain. While I am highly educated and know that this term should probably apply to sexually charged writings and/or sex with books, I will instead use it to refer to “naughty librarian sex.” As my research thalls have noted that sexy librarian outfits are sold out at all the costume company web sites they visited—and given that the current Republican vice presidential nominee presently nuzzling my thigh has been said to cultivate the “naughty librarian” look—I suspect that many people between now and Halloween will be getting sweaty with thoughts of musty bookshelves on their minds. I shudder to think what kinds of stains will be found in the reference sections as a result of little sarah-girl. In any case, this is an annoying but harmless area, and I can rate it no worse than threat level Goldenrod.
Puppet Sex: I was alerted to this by certain of my clientele and student bodies who have attended the Broadway show Avenue Q. Aside from this show, I am aware of no other notable puppet sex activities outside of some parody-oriented YouTube videos on sock puppet sex. While no one that I know of is seriously considering any of this as porn or as a true sexual diversion, I know how perverted the public really is and I realize that is probably only a matter of time before people are leaving bodily fluids all over puppets in pay-per-view, webcam or specialty fetish videos. You are a sick collection out there, and you all deserve a severe beating, from someone less important than me. While this isn’t truly an area of sexual endevaor yet, I am forced to give it a rating of Scarlet for infringing too closely to childhood-related areas. If you participate in “fuzzy sex,” which really is a fetish area and involves people dressing up in cartoon-character-style or cartoonish animal costumes and going at it like, well, cartoon bunnies, I must likewise classify you as Scarlet with possible Tan tendencies. Even I have respect for the children’s cartoon and children’s television community.
Cake Farting: Ever since the Deacon mentioned this activity in a post after seeing a post about it at Ephphatha, I have, frankly, been horrified—at the inane nature of such a fetish, the waste of perfectly good desserts and the idea that anyone would be capable of achieving erection while enshrouded by a cloud of flatulence (or even imaging in in their mind). This activity does no harm to society but because I am judgmental and proud of being so, I classify all practitioners of it as threat level Red.
(Sound of breaking glass.)
Hmmmm…that sounded like it came from Deacon Blue’s cell. He must have slipped his knots. johnny-boy and the Deacon in the same day? I smell treachery on the part of one of my thralls. Oh, well, good slaves are so hard to find these days. Pardon me, as I must release the hounds and return to my regular duties.