Tag Archives: masturbation

Can’t Be Any Worse Than Snooki’s Book

2 Replies

I’m going to be honest with all of you: Deacon Blue was a stab at a marketing hook.

I am a deacon (though not currently in service as one), and the personality and views I’ve brought to this blog are all my own, but the creation of the Deacon Blue persona was something I had hoped might catch on a bit more. I mean, we have “Dear Abby” and “Miss Manners”…we have Dan Savage with his sex/relationship advice and books…we have Martha Stewart and Emeril Lagasse…you get the idea. These are real people but they are also overblown personae.

I figured, “Hey, I’m a writer. I can be witty and insightful (as long as I’m not trying to do it while talking). Why not create an approach that might catch some attention?”

How many snarky, nerdy, liberal, swearing deacons have you seen out there trying to engage with the masses?

Well, as you might guess from the lack of self-promoting of book deals or radio appearances…or even an alleged affair with Angelina Jolie or Salma Hayek (shit, I’d settle for being rumored to be connected with Kate Gosselin if it would get me a book deal)…well, I haven’t hit the big time. Or, really, even the small time.

I came out of the closet with my real name and face (though I still won’t come out of the closet with my kinky erotica-writing persona), and still, I haven’t gained any traction.

Not that it’s stopped me from keeping this blog around and being on Twitter and such.

But it is disheartening to see people like Snooki from “Jersey Shore” get book deals and big money to speak at universities just because they are willing to act a fool in public and on camera. Especially when your wife (that is, my wife) jokingly reminds you that you should tap into your inner white conqueror type and figure out how to be the guy who gets paid $22,000 a day sometimes for social media consulting or the person who gets a three-book deal out of their blogging.

Mind you, she was joking. Lightning can’t strike for everyone. But still, it makes me think: What do I have to do to get paid for the level of skill I bring to the table? And let there be no doubt: I may second-guess my writing sometimes and I may generally be humble, but I know I’m better than at least half the people out there with publishing deals. (Even if I don’t realize it until well after I’ve written whatever the hell it is that I needed to write for whatever purpose I wrote it for…paid or otherwise).

So, I think I’m going to start working on my book. Would like it to be a fiction novel, but that’s an even more fickle market than most. So here it is:

How to Succeed Through Masturbation

Or, Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last; We Slip Away from the Race Course to Slash the Tires of the Douchebags Who Run Fast

Publishers, start sending me your proposals about how much you want to pay me and how soon you need it done.

All right fine, sex it is!

5 Replies

OK, I get the message. After putting up some decent numbers for blog visits here for well over a week, I’m hearing crickets chirp today. Thirty-five visits, and 20 of those by people who got here searching for images of “fuzzy boots” or “hot anime girls” and who probably left five seconds after realizing those posts weren’t what they hoped they’d be.

I understand. I posted another installment of my novel recently, and there are probably all of three or four science fiction fans reading that here. I posted a “drive-by scripture,” which isn’t as meaty or irreverent as some of my stuff. Then I post a Two-fer Tuesday post on a strange topic, “sorcery.” (Hey, you try coming up with good one-word topics that me and Miz Pink can tackle while mostly ensuring we won’t repeat each other.)

I get it. You’re all wondering, where’s the sex? It’s been a while. You’re saying, “Deac, damn it man. Your name is Deacon Blue. Not Deacon Blue Balls.” Or maybe not. In fact, maybe you’re all just depressed about the stock market. In any case, sex does sell, I admit. Always has. So it’s probably time, even if I have to force the issue. But, what the hell to talk about? I’ve already covered the major sex topics I can think of with a religious bent. Or, frankly, that don’t have a religious bent. But hey, let’s just flip through the lexicon of sex topics here…hey, there we go! Sex toys!

The Bible doesn’t mention sex toys. Frankly, I wouldn’t expect it to. But it does talk about “unnatural affection.”

For this reason, God delivered them to degrading passions as their females exchanged their natural sexual function for one that is unnatural. Romans chapter 1, verse 26

Frankly, I like the “God’s Word” translation a little better, as most translations do the “God delivered them” or “God gave them up to” wording, which sort of implies that God made them sin or somehow created a situation that encouraged them to sin.

And that translation goes like this:

For this reason God allowed their shameful passions to control them. Their women have exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones.

Still a little odd-sounding, but closer to the idea that God let them do what they already wanted to until they might realize just how sinfully degraded they had become.

What does this have to do with sex toys? Probably nothing. Maybe they were using hand-carved cypress-wood dildos from Turkey and God didn’t like it at all. But somehow, I doubt it. But the agonizing thing is how vague “unnatural affection” is. I think it’s used elsewhere in the Bible and usually as code for homosexual sex (right after the verse above, to be honest). Some say the term means sodomy. I think it just means (at least in the context of the passage above with the women) sexually misusing your body.

Maybe the women (and the men) were just slutting around. Maybe they were committing incest or child sexual abuse. Maybe they were doing it with animals. I don’t think it was all about same-sex couplings.

Trouble is, people do get the idea that things like back door sex and use of sex toys is sinful. And I’ve seen the “unnatural affection” argument used to decry the use of vibrators, plugs, dildos and the like. I guess because they aren’t attached to your spouse’s body except by possibly some straps, so they aren’t “right” or “natural” in the eyes of the “Church Lady” types. But really, fornication is the sin. What you do to yourself, by yourself, regardless of what tool you use or what orifice you choose to put it in, isn’t sinful. I’ve been over this before, here and here, but masturbation isn’t a sin, folks. I just can’t see how it could be. So, sex toys or not, go for it. In fact, especially for the ladies, sex toys are probably just what you need for a lot of those solo sessions.

As for couples, well, the marriage bed is a place where damn near anything goes, and toys can be fun. They were fun as kids, and we’re supposed to be young at heart and remember our youthful love with our spouses throughout our lives together, so get yourself a toy box for some age-upgraded playthings.

Bottom line, there is nothing or unnatural about sex toys. I don’t think it falls into the “unnatural affection” category. Unless the Bible writers were being prophetic and referring to man-made materials like plastic, vinyl, rubber and latex. Pardon me, I think I need to go shopping now.

Covering the bases, part 1

1 Reply

By any definition of the normal rules of engagement around here, I’m overdue to talk about sexual stuff. Miz Pink hijacked my sex-themed schedule with her May 2 post and I haven’t touched anything sexual…I mean, I haven’t covered a sexual topic…myself since April 24. So with more than 10 days since Miz Pink posted and well over two weeks since I have, clearly, I’m not living up to the one-debauched-excursion-a-week rule I set for myself. I’m surprised Sister Mary Malcontent hasn’t already arrived on my doorstep to punish me over that.

So, let me do something special to you…I mean, for you…and steer off my married relations stuff for once. Most of y’all know by now that I don’t think fornication is cool and also that I’ve been guilty of it. Not as often as I would have liked when I was still a young man, but I did it often enough it was a lifestyle decision. So, why not be helpful to all you unmarried folks out there and give you my take on what’s OK for you to engage in…or what might be? You know, instead of just telling you what married folks can do and reminding your “please don’t do the nasty until you put wedding rings on those fingers.”

Even the most sports-deficient person knows that baseball metaphors are the typical way of making analogies for the degree and intensity of sexual exposure you’ve managed to achieve in a date (or in a drunken encounter in the dorm or a random tryst with a sexual addict in the the alley or an empty-office-encounter with the receptionist during the company Christmas party). To whit:

  1. First base is the act of making out, which would generally involve French kissing, licking necks, leaving hickies, sucking earlobes, using the tongue as a Q-tip substitute, etc.
  2. Second base is the direct fondling, groping or kissing of “special” parts that aren’t by definition actual sexual organs, such as the breast or ass cheeks, or even the stimulation of the other person’s genitals through the clothing. Dry humps would also qualify here, I think, since the clothes stay on. A foot massage is either first base or, more likely, still being in the dugout; but sucking toes definitely puts you into second-base territory.
  3. Third base would be the mutual masturbation stuff: fingering a woman (or man, since the anus counts as a finger-friendly destination), giving a guy a handjob, engaging in oral sex, getting off between a woman’s breasts, footjobs, etc.
  4. Going all the way (aka “coming home”) is full-on sexual intercourse.

To be honest, I don’t know where to put the act of jacking off in front of each other. I guess if you keep the fluids to yourself and don’t touch each other while you’re doing it, that’s second base…and third base otherwise. As we’ll see tomorrow, I’m really confused where to place anal sex. I mean, I know where the parts need to be placed, I just don’t know whether it’s third base or a home run.

So, we’ll do this over a couple days, and I’ll just go with the first two bases today. Yup, two sexual posts in a row to make up for lost time. I can hear the steam whistling out from Pat Robertson’s ears as I write this. (Even though I’m including a link to the man’s Web site, that’s just for your own educational purposes. I personally think he’s more than a little loony and extreme. He looks like such a nice guy on his homepage, though, doesn’t he?)

So, is first base OK?

Damn, if we can’t get physical somehow while dating, we’re never going to know if we’ve got something going. Hell, yes, first base is OK for the Christian crowd. Yeah, I know, in the really old days, I’m sure everyone was very chaste and never even kissed with closed mouths until after the wedding day (except for the encounters the guys had with the prostitutes when they were bachelors, of course). But when you’re doing arranged marriages and shit, it’s kind of hard for a couple to get time together for that kind of thing, and chances are, they didn’t even know each other well enough to want to. But in the modern day and age, we tend to marry out of love (or really intense lust) and not because of convenience or the need to forge a legacy between two families or whatever else.

So, we need first base. Hell, if you don’t hit first base by the time you get to the end of the second date, well, that probably says something. Either one or both people are way too shy, or there is no chemistry. And I am fully onboard for you to relieve any sexual energies generated during first-base action with some self-relief back at home.

Now, what about second base?

Well, as you can guess, the closer we get to home plate, the more squidgy I’m going to be about endorsing it. But generally speaking, I don’t think that second-base action really crosses the line into true sexual relations. Even with the dry humping thing, you haven’t penetrated anyone, you haven’t shared any special sauce, and the major thing that really sets it aside from a nice masturbation session in your own bed is the fact you may need some dry cleaning services for your clothes really soon.

So, there you have it. Deacon Blue approves everything up to second base. See you tomorrow to talk about the messier (and, honestly, more fun) activities. The Pope would have fits over my endorsements, but the man thinks birth control is sinful, so what the hell does he know?

Please try to keep your clothes on until tomorrow, all you unmarried and horny cats out there…you still don’t know where I stand on third base. Or how often (and you won’t ever know that second factoid).

Porn-again threat assesment

9 Replies

All right, as promised in yesterday’s post, here’s my color-coded threat assessment list for pornography consumption (patent pending). The U.S. Department of Homeland Security is expected to implement this assessment itself by the end of 2009. Violators of Levels 2 or Level 3 have a high probability of a visit, and severe beating, by Sister Mary Malcontent over there on the left. Unless of course you like that sort of thing, in which case the beating will come from this guy right here. (Violators of level 1 don’t want to know who, or what, might be visiting or what they might do to you.)

This post should satisfy the quota for sexual gratuity in my subject matter in this blog for the next week, give or take, thus securing the Deacon Blue moniker and reassuring people that despite my many other posts that don’t involve sex, I’m willing “to go there” for the ratings.

Porn User Threat Assessment Table

Level 1: Brown Alert

Status: You view porn that actually features foul, abusive and illegal/morally repugnant actions, such as kiddie porn, porn that include actual torture or rape, or snuff films.

Assessment: You are a steaming pile of defecation straight from the bowels of a carrion-eating animal with a terminal case of colon cancer and a parasitic infestation in its guts. You should immediately destroy all of the nasty porn you own, which is so foul that to even call it “porn” besmirches the questionable moral character of hardcore S&M porn and its ilk. After destroying this porn, you should immediately seek professional help and seek Jesus, in that order. You are a potential threat to someone helpless or innocent. If you are at threat level BROWN and actually claim to be a Christian whose salvation is assured, I would suggest you re-examine that assumption, because I think you’re dead wrong…and probably hellbound.

Level 2: Tan Alert

Status: You own porn that simulates the activities above by such means as using adult actors who look very young and portray children having sex or animated porn that glorifies rape, child sexual abuse, and the like.

Assessment: You aren’t that far off level brown, dude (or dudette). You are a shit smear on an already soiled pair of undies. To own this material is to be someone who quite likely aspires to own something in the BROWN alert level of porn. Same advice as for the BROWN level porn user. You have something off in your head and you are a potential danger if you don’t curb yourself now.

NOTE: Anyone in the BROWN or TAN alert levels who is now (or has in the past) actually engaged in something like rape, sex with a child, or the like—either in addition to owning such porn or in lieu of it—must immediately pass “Go” and head directly to jail. Do not destroy your porn but instead box it up neatly and give it to the nice police officers as you confess to all your crimes and ask the court to take no mercy on you in terms of sentencing. Then seek Jesus. While you are in prison and when you leave prison, seek counseling to turn yourself into a human being instead of a monster.

Level 3: Scarlet Alert

Status: You own either very hardcore porn (such as extreme S&M or brown shower stuff or bestiality or something like that) or you own such an overwhelming amount of porn that you cannot interact with a member of the opposite sex in a normal human fashion and have no hope of a date, much less marriage. You also achieve this threat level if your time on the Internet is mostly spent looking for porn, such that you have turned into very nearly a full-time job.

Assessment: Please tone down the porn and get a life. A little Jesus might not hurt, either. And take a shower. You’re getting ripe with all that sweating and drooling in your dank room.

Level 4: Red Alert

Status: Your collection of movies at home is rather heavily slanted toward porn and/or your computer is filled with the stuff. Your porn isn’t necessarily extreme and you don’t spend all your time looking at it, but it’s become an addiction for you. It is causing damage to your relationship with your spouse or other sexual partner (if you have one) and/or you are allowing the porn to dictate and drive your expectations of what sex should be.

Assessment: Same as SCARLET level but you probably don’t need the shower as badly as he or she does.

Level 5: Goldenrod Alert

Status: You like porn, but you don’t let it rule your life.

Assessment: I have no problem with you. Carry on. Just make sure you put people first a good share of the time. People other than you, that is. If you only own erotic fiction and don’t actually use porn with visuals, you actually get to be Level 5.5, Chartreuse Alert.

Level 6: Cyan Alert

Status: You don’t own porn.

Assessment: More power to you. Just don’t get judgmental about those who do and aren’t hurting anyone in the process.

Level 7: Silver Alert

Status: You don’t own porn, and even when you have mental fantasies in the bedroom or for “solo acts” you only visualize your spouse.

Assessment: Are you kidding me? There are only two possibilities here. First, you are one of the most self-controlled people who has ever walked the face of the earth. (Even when I even try to visualize past events in my life with my mom or dad, both of whom were great parents, their faces always morph at some point, even if only momentarily, to some other adult figure in my life or some person I’ve never seen before.) The second possibility is that you are a damned liar and have visualized Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Katie Couric, Anderson Cooper, or some other media stud/babe on multiple occasions.

Level 8: Gold Alert

Status: You not only don’t own porn, you don’t even fantasize about your spouse, and you’ve never masturbated even a little bit.

Assessment: Are you human? Seriously. Might you be an android or something? Because if not, I don’t know what to say, except that please don’t try gunning for Jesus’ spot. It’s already taken.

Porn-again Christianity

3 Replies

I’ve heard people say the filthiest work in all of history is the Bible, with incest, orgies, polygamy and more abounding in its pages. Those people have obviously never seen a single episode of a soap opera, and certainly have never viewed actual porn, if they can say that. The Bible is pretty tame reading overall. Though I think Song of Solomon is sexy in a romantic way. (OK, strike that last line from the record…it may damage my already shaky standing as a manly man.)

People, I have been a naughty boy at various points in my life, and like certain famous jurists and others in recent history, I cannot give a good definition of the word pornography, but I sure know it when I see it. And I admit, I like the way a lot of it looks. I’m a man, what can I say? (And there are a fair number of women who feel the same way, admit it ladies…)

Not that I’m admitting to any regular or even recent viewing of porn. Nor am I denying it. *Ahem* Soooo, where was I?

Ah yes, porn. More importantly, porn and Christians. Most importantly (because it’s my topic today): Is it OK for Christians to view porn?

This is a big one, and I’m going to need at least the next two days, maybe three, to sort this one out completely. You may accuse me of doing so simply to stretch out a prurient topic. Accuse away. I never claimed to be a saint. Or even a very good deacon. Or a suitable altar boy for that matter.

First, let’s have the Christians among us, mostly but not exclusively the men, be honest. It’s pretty clear that the porn industry, particularly on the Internet, is now one of the big drivers of the economies of the First-World countries (the United States in particular), or at the very least one of the major areas for depositing disposable income that our struggling oil companies and pharmaceutical giants and other corporations need to keep overpaying their CEOs. So, I imagine that the levels of porn viewing among Christians are probably not that far below other people. Maybe even higher depending on how vanilla they take their real sex or how infrequently they are able to get it.

Like so much shit I talk about around here, I don’t have a firm answer on whether it’s OK for Christians to view porn. A lot of it is situational, I think—based on what kind of porn you’re viewing and why. In fact, tomorrow will probably bring my threat assessment list of what porn is worst and best for Christians and, by extension, everyone else—since I’m obviously of the view that people should choose Christ.

So let’s tick off some of the points…

Porn is primarily used for masturbation, and I’ve made it clear that I think masturbation is generally an OK thing, and I stroked…I mean, stoked…the fires of that discussion with another post not long after that. So, the primary endpoint of porn, relieving sexual pressures on a solo basis, isn’t itself a bad thing.

Also, porn is often used by couples to stimulate arousal and, frankly, get some cool ideas for new things to try in their bedrooms. And as I noted here, 95% of everything goes in the bedroom—of married couples at least. So, the secondary end point of porn use is good, at least in marriage, in that it can help bring a couple closer sexually and make it less likely that things get boring and someone gets tempted to look elsewhere for his or her jollies.

On the other hand, the porn industry isn’t the most savory thing in the world, both in the way a lot of its actors get used or abused, and in the fact that it basically promotes fornication. Kind of feels wrong as a Christian to give money supporting an industry like that. But then again, I buy products made in China an awful lot, and that means I’m supporting human rights abuses on a gigantic scale, albeit indirectly. So, which is worse, really?

But if you’re getting the porn for free off the Web (which I hear is pretty easy to do…I wouldn’t know personally of course. Being the straight-laced guy I am *ahem* *cough* …yeah), you haven’t done that. And if you buy amateur porn where the people weren’t victimized by an industry but rather putting themselves out there, the argument is pretty weak, though you could argue your support encourages unmarried amateurs to commit fornication and encourages married amateurs to expose themselves (though I don’t know of any specific biblical doctrine against exposing oneself to someone else through indirect media…doing it in person, of course, could promote covetousness and adultery). And if it’s something from a porn professional who is selling and marketing his or her own stuff, you also sort of lose the victimization aspect, though the other objections are similar to the amateur-hour porn ones.

There’s also the argument that viewing porn is wrong because you are objectifying a person sexually in your heart and you are essentially committing fornication and possibly adultery in your mind. Well, as for the first point, the person on screen or on the pages you are viewing isn’t there in the flesh, so um, how exactly is your objectification going to hurt their feelings? Now, if it’s a live webcam thing or a visit to a topless joint, you might have a point.

As for the mental fornication/adultery thing, I know all about the biblical passages about how sinning in your mind is virtually the same as sinning in reality. But I don’t know anyone who can control his or her mind that well so as to avoid sinful thoughts. I mean, how often does a thought pass through that (1) I should take that item without paying, (2) I’d sure like to tap that ass, (3) maybe I should lie about being sick to get a day off work, (4) I’d love to beat my motherfreaking boss to a pulp, and (5) insert a hundred other random thoughts here. And those are just the thoughts that hit you before you brush your teeth in the morning.

So, my point is that when Jesus told us, for example, that lust in the heart (that is, your thoughts) is as bad as actually committing adultery or fornication, I’m sure he wanted to caution us to guard our thoughts. But I think the overarching concern was that we not harbor such thought about people with whom we interact or might have a real chance of meeting one day.

I’m not saying that porn is inherently good or that Christians should be seeking it out in massive quantities. But on the other hand, I mean, if you’ve already paid for it, what’s the point of burning it or throwing it out? The deed is done, and unless the act of using the porn is causing you to sin (such as in giving less energy to your spouse, a topic touched on at a blog on Christian Sex and Marriage…I don’t know that I agree with that post, though it is interesting), then I don’t see the problem, personally. And as for erotic fiction, I really don’t get how that can be bad unless you’re an easily-led drone who is going to try something illegal or immoral described in a book just because it sounded cool on the page. I mean, these are fictional characters. It’s a pretty damned big stretch that I’m committing mental adultery or fornication with someone who doesn’t exist.

And if you, as a married Christian couple, want to bring some porn into the bedroom…well, subject to some of the cautionary points I’ve already noted, go for it. At the Christian Sex and Marriage blog I noted above, there was another post on porn that suggested porn “kills real sex” but I really disagree with that one. Some people do get big expectations upon viewing porn, but for most, I think it is more of a stimulator and inspirational thing than it is a destroyer of good sex in the real world. I mean, if one has a kink, for example, and that kink is something that the other partner is uninterested in doing for real (or if it’s impractical, such as filling a hot tub with cold pasta, rubber duckies and bubble wrap), porn may be the only way for either or both of you to enjoy any taste of that kink.

Bottom line, if I were the owner of some porn on my computer or in a locked box somewhere in my home (and I’m not saying I am…just hypothetically. You know, I have a friend who does), I’m not just tossing it out on a whim. On the other hand, I think it would do some good for all people—Christian or otherwise—to evalaute what they have porn-wise and really, honestly determine if it serves a purpose or if it’s perhaps harmful. Does it encourage you to bad thoughts or tendencies? Is it illegal or immoral (e.g. kiddie porn)? Is it distracting you from real relationships and interactions with someone you love? Is it an old film on a VHS tape and you just don’t want to shell out money to replace your broken VCR?

So, next up, my list of the worst and most harmless kinds of porn, from my personal semi-informed biblical and intellectual positions (not to be confused with any positions described in the Kama Sutra). I’ll even give you a cool color-coded threat-level system inspired by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security. Until, then don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Or don’t do anything I would. Or anything I might be thinking about right now…

…Um, bye.

You don’t know jack(ing off)…the sequel

9 Replies

smiley-face.jpgSo, I was checking out various Internet searches that have led people to this blog, and checked one out related to masturbation being a rejection of Jesus’ atoning death or something along those lines. Not surprisingly, it had led someone to my post a few days ago about masturbation.

So, in using the same search terms on Google, I quickly found a Catholic site that thoroughly lambasted masturbation as a terrible sin. I spent nearly an hour going through this incredibly long discussion thread on the subject and was simultaneously amazed and dismayed. I’m not saying it was all horseshit; the discussion board manager and some other rabid anti-jacking folks had some valid points. But by and large, I was amazed at how doggedly some people stick to the notion that masturbation is always and necessarily a sin.

Here’s the gist of what I got from the anti-jacking-off side of the argument:

Non-procreative sex is a sin

OK, this is a really popular one with the Catholic church in particular. If you have sex, even as a married couple, and the two of you are fertile, don’t you dare do anything to prevent pregnancy. Be fruitful and multiply. Birth control is as evil as abortion.

Wow! Really? I can’t just enjoy sex with my wife. I’ll admit that sex outside of marriage is a sin, and one that I’ve committed myself. But the notion that using a condom or having relations that don’t involve penetration and potential insemination is a sin is ridiculous.

I guess God gave women the clitoris, a part of the body that serves no purpose other than to grant feelings of pleasure, just to tempt them or to keep them in the bed long enough for a guy to get them knocked up. God doesn’t want us to enjoy sex at all. Nope. Just procreate, guys. Not like the earth is already overpopulated and you’re using up all the resources I gave you. Just keep popping out as many kids as you can.

Aside from the fact I have a really hard time seeing masturbation as (a) a form of sexual intercourse or (b) a means of inappropriate birth control.

I just don’t know what else to say on this one. Oh yeah, I do: Horseshit!

Masturbation involves impure thoughts

OK, on this one I may have to cop to some valid points and admit that there are limits. Looking at a porn video or skin mag while masturbating probably isn’t really part of God’s ideal design. First, you’ve supported the porn industry, which does a lot of harm to the people who work in it and which creates a lot of imagery in society that encourages promiscuity. And my apologies for my part in supporting it in the past.

Second, it is true that sinning in one’s thoughts is still sin. One could argue that by looking at the image of some man or woman other than your spouse, and getting off on that, could be construed as a form of mental adultery. I don’t know if I agree with that in the case of using porn or imagining Angelina Jolie and/or Brad Pitt or something like that, because this isn’t a person I’m ever going to meet (maybe not even a person who really exists if it’s purely imaginative), and I suspect Jesus’ warnings about mental sin (lust or violence, for example) pertained more to people we actually see around us in regular life.

Third, a point was made that you are objectifying a person (or people) in said porn images who is a child of God and was not created for your amusement. Again, not a completely crazy point, though it’s on thinner ice than the previous point.

But here’s where it got wacky on the discussion I was viewing. Someone asked, “Well, what if I’m masturbating to images of my spouse, either actual photos or mental images?” The chief poster in the discussion, whom I believe was also a site admin or owner, actually said that is still a sin because you are sexually objectifying your spouse solely for your own amusement. And lust is a sin.

(stunned silence)

I’m sinning if I feel lust toward my wife? If I desire her because she’s sexy and I want her, that’s bad? So what, I’m supposed to hold her hand, give chaste kisses and, when she’s fertile, have sex just on the hope we’ll end up with a child?

The Bible has established that sex between spouses is more than just about procreation. It’s part of how we bond. And frankly, if you’re jacking off to thoughts of sex with your own spouse at those times you cannot enjoy sex with said spouse, I think that’s a damn good sign you are well attached to that person.

And even if it isn’t my wife I picture in my mind all the time, so what? Am I really sinning and committing adultery if I make up a person in my mind? Or how about if someone is using erotic literature or sexy short stories as the stimulus? If that’s a sin, I guess I’ve committed murder every time I read about someone committing murder. I’m not saying we should wallow in mental images of sex, violence or anything else. But short of being Jesus himself, how am I supposed to keep a head full of nothing but thoughts of flowers, sunshine and helping orphans?

Yes, we can control our impulses and yes, we can mitigate our thoughts. But to throw masturbation into the pile as some heinous sin simply because is ridiculous. Yeah, if you can’t put down your equipment now and again, you have a problem. If you turn to yourself instead of your spouse because it’s easier or more fulfilling to you, that’s a problem (either with you, your spouse, or both).

I certainly don’t think God looks down and says, “nice ejaculation with that one, son.” But I also don’t think He’s wrinkling his nose at every act of self-pleasuring. Because frankly, I doubt God looks down and smiles about a lot of other things we do as part of life that are just part of life. Oh, say, eating, drinking, walking, breathing, shitting. I mean, if you think God is looking down at you on the toilet or at the dinner table thinking to Himself how wonderful you’re doing that activity, you have a pretty dim view of God. I think He has a lot more to be concerned with than our bodily functions. Like, say, the universe and our souls. Just a theory, ya know.

So, yeah, maybe that subscription to Hustler isn’t something you should renew. And you probably shouldn’t be thinking about the pool boy when you’re taking care of your personal needs. But frankly, if we didn’t have so many hang-ups about sex, particularly in the Catholic church (and I’m not a Catholicism hater…just a guy with some serious reservations about how it’s led at the top), maybe we’d have more stable people in church leadership all the way around. Looking at Catholicism, for example (since they do an awful lot of the hating toward masturbation) I’d love to see more priests jacking off and, even better yet, being able to get married, and fewer of them getting hauled away for diddling children in the congregation. I’m not for promiscuity and allowing everything, but rampant repression doesn’t do us much good, either.

You don’t know jack(ing off)

9 Replies

semi-smile.jpgOK, it’s been two weeks since my last post directly related to the carnal pleasures that help keep porn sites in business—time to sex it up again. Otherwise that whole Deacon Blue thing is gonna become irrelevant. And I notice traffic picks up here when sex is involved. Yeah, big surprise there.

But this time, instead of exploring whether God cares what you do between the sheets, we’ll be taking a firm hold on the ever-pressing, explosive (OK, enough puns) issue of whether He cares what you do with your right hand. Or left hand. Or the little cordless hand-held vacuum. Or the wheel-and-pulley system you created so that you can keep your hands free to work the computer or turn the pages of your favorite centerfold pictorial.

Yes, folks, it’s time to talk about one of the old favorites: Masturbation. Choking the chicken. Slapping the salami. Jacking off. Need I say more? (OK, I do need to say more…ladies, why aren’t there any good slang terms for you? Frigging is just too British to have universal appeal, and I know y’all are helping yourselves out, with and without battery-operated aids. Must we be so formal? Come up with something. The best I can think of is exploring the delta—and that isn’t all that catchy.)

From parental threats that God will send you to hell for masturbating to saying this activity will cause hair to grow on your palms (again, there is a gender bias here; how come girls never got a similar threat? Honey, your finger will shrivel and fall off if you keep sticking it in there…), this has been one of the oddest areas for attack by ultra-right-wing God-fearing Christians and even some in the middle of the road. Somehow, self-pleasuring got labeled as self-abuse.

What am I…raping myself? Defiling the holy temple of my body? Fornicating with myself?

Nonsense.

Some would argue that masturbation robs one’s spouse of “natural affection.” In other words, if you’re doing yourself, you ain’t doing your significant other enough. Again, nonsense. Yes, it is possible to rob your spouse of affection, but unless you’re hiding behind masturbation all the time to avoid sex with your spouse, that doesn’t apply here. Women can explode over and over (and it’s a good thing men can’t or you’d never get us out of our rooms) and men, well, let’s put it this way: Most couples don’t go at it every day, or even every other day or so. No matter what anyone says, most couples are lucky if they do the do once a week after they’ve been married more than a couple years. Frankly, I think it’s a service to one’s wife to keep the package in regular use. Otherwise, you go several days or a week or two (depending on what’s going on) between sex, and then we men are going to be blasting off into space before we’ve even gotten you women to the pre-launch procedures.

Religious obsessions with masturbation even gave us the term onanism as a synonym for masturbation, named after a guy named Onan whom God killed for jacking off. Well, sort of. See Genesis chapter 38 for the whole story, and there’s an interesting Wikipedia piece on Onan too.

Onan did something more to piss God off than just jack off (or perform a little coitus interruptus, depending on how you read the story). Much like Jonah got some wrath handed down on his ass when he refused to do something big for God, I imagine the problem with Onan was that God had made it pretty clear that he was supposed to get Tamar in a family way. Why? I don’t know. God works through people and circumstances and over the long run most of the time. Maybe through her some generations down the road someone critical to God’s plans was supposed to be born—and Onan’s disobedience set that back by centuries. Point is, apparently Onan knew what he was supposed to do and not only told God “no” but decided to metaphorically rub God’s face in it by essentially saying, “Oh, and by the way, I’m going to empty my ball sacks just to show you I’m the boss here.” Bad move to waggle your dick in the creator’s face, dude.

I mean, if God was so down on masturbation, he would have killed a whole lot of other MoFo’s in the Bible. As much as God doesn’t like homosexual sex, I don’t recall Him killing off any gay folks. Sodom and Gomorrah don’t count, by the way, even though we get the word sodomy from one of those towns. The problem wasn’t that guys there buggered other guys on the regular. Problem was those cities were just plain depraved. A hell of a lot more than man-on-man action was going down. Any place where it is a common and accepted practice for folks to wander around in groups and gang-rape people who are new to town is a place I want God to wipe off the map, thank you very damn much.

Some argue that masturbation is a form of unnatural birth control or argue that every sperm is a potential person. Well, first off, that means you can’t knock women for masturbation because they don’t eject their eggs when they do it. And as for men, the sperm get old, die and are recycled constantly anyway. They go to waste if we don’t have any kind of release, so by the “birth control” or “life killing” logic, we sin as men if we don’t have sex starting as soon as we hit puberty, and have it every day. Anyone on board for requiring every 12-year-old male to get married and have lots of kids?

Didn’t think so.

I think we have this issue in hand now…er, under control now. Back to your stations.

(Image from www.freeimages.co.uk…like I was gonna put an erect dick or something else up there for this post. You wish, ya dirty minded freak.)