OK, I get the message. After putting up some decent numbers for blog visits here for well over a week, I’m hearing crickets chirp today. Thirty-five visits, and 20 of those by people who got here searching for images of “fuzzy boots” or “hot anime girls” and who probably left five seconds after realizing those posts weren’t what they hoped they’d be.

I understand. I posted another installment of my novel recently, and there are probably all of three or four science fiction fans reading that here. I posted a “drive-by scripture,” which isn’t as meaty or irreverent as some of my stuff. Then I post a Two-fer Tuesday post on a strange topic, “sorcery.” (Hey, you try coming up with good one-word topics that me and Miz Pink can tackle while mostly ensuring we won’t repeat each other.)

I get it. You’re all wondering, where’s the sex? It’s been a while. You’re saying, “Deac, damn it man. Your name is Deacon Blue. Not Deacon Blue Balls.” Or maybe not. In fact, maybe you’re all just depressed about the stock market. In any case, sex does sell, I admit. Always has. So it’s probably time, even if I have to force the issue. But, what the hell to talk about? I’ve already covered the major sex topics I can think of with a religious bent. Or, frankly, that don’t have a religious bent. But hey, let’s just flip through the lexicon of sex topics here…hey, there we go! Sex toys!

The Bible doesn’t mention sex toys. Frankly, I wouldn’t expect it to. But it does talk about “unnatural affection.”

For this reason, God delivered them to degrading passions as their females exchanged their natural sexual function for one that is unnatural. Romans chapter 1, verse 26

Frankly, I like the “God’s Word” translation a little better, as most translations do the “God delivered them” or “God gave them up to” wording, which sort of implies that God made them sin or somehow created a situation that encouraged them to sin.

And that translation goes like this:

For this reason God allowed their shameful passions to control them. Their women have exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones.

Still a little odd-sounding, but closer to the idea that God let them do what they already wanted to until they might realize just how sinfully degraded they had become.

What does this have to do with sex toys? Probably nothing. Maybe they were using hand-carved cypress-wood dildos from Turkey and God didn’t like it at all. But somehow, I doubt it. But the agonizing thing is how vague “unnatural affection” is. I think it’s used elsewhere in the Bible and usually as code for homosexual sex (right after the verse above, to be honest). Some say the term means sodomy. I think it just means (at least in the context of the passage above with the women) sexually misusing your body.

Maybe the women (and the men) were just slutting around. Maybe they were committing incest or child sexual abuse. Maybe they were doing it with animals. I don’t think it was all about same-sex couplings.

Trouble is, people do get the idea that things like back door sex and use of sex toys is sinful. And I’ve seen the “unnatural affection” argument used to decry the use of vibrators, plugs, dildos and the like. I guess because they aren’t attached to your spouse’s body except by possibly some straps, so they aren’t “right” or “natural” in the eyes of the “Church Lady” types. But really, fornication is the sin. What you do to yourself, by yourself, regardless of what tool you use or what orifice you choose to put it in, isn’t sinful. I’ve been over this before, here and here, but masturbation isn’t a sin, folks. I just can’t see how it could be. So, sex toys or not, go for it. In fact, especially for the ladies, sex toys are probably just what you need for a lot of those solo sessions.

As for couples, well, the marriage bed is a place where damn near anything goes, and toys can be fun. They were fun as kids, and we’re supposed to be young at heart and remember our youthful love with our spouses throughout our lives together, so get yourself a toy box for some age-upgraded playthings.

Bottom line, there is nothing or unnatural about sex toys. I don’t think it falls into the “unnatural affection” category. Unless the Bible writers were being prophetic and referring to man-made materials like plastic, vinyl, rubber and latex. Pardon me, I think I need to go shopping now.