Tag Archives: sex

And Now, a Word from Sister Mary

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Good day, I am Sister Mary Malcontent, a member of the Merciless Order of the Riding Crop and headmistress at the Marquis de Sade Academy of Secondary Learning. As some of you may already know, I have had a hand (wielding a hickory switch at the time, as it happens) in helping Deacon Blue to draft some of his official discussions on matters sexual (see the Porn Again Threat Assessment and Whips and Chains and Gags…Oh My).

It has come to my attention, particularly as the porn again threat assessment system (patent pending) gains broader appeal, that there may not only be types of pornography that you are concerned about but, indeed, methods of sexual intercourse itself that you may worry blur the line between acceptable and forbidden. And, while I am quite…liberal…in my views on what is acceptable, it is certainly true that there must be social and sexual order, and my sisters and I are here to enforce that. Rigidly.

The good deacon is a bit…tied up at the moment…not that I had anything to do with arranging that…and I thought I might take time during his enforced absence to apply some of the ratings of the porn threat assessment table to some areas of sex that might cause you concern with regard to just how immoral they may be. So, without further ado…what the hell?

(Sound of a chain crashing to the floor and the squeak of door hinges.)

Halt, senator! On your knees, you craven dog. Now, now, johnny-boy…We are not finished with your session. That’s right, worm, slip that cuff back on your ankle and return to kissing the toes of your running mate. Get that smug grin off your lips, sarah-girl. I’ll be signing my name in red across your ass with my malacca cane in a few minutes.

Where was I?

Oh, yes, questionable sexual acts and their level of threat to society and to your possible standing as a human being. Well, such as you are, anyway. You’ll never be as fully realized in your humanity as I am, no matter how much I purify you with hot wax and floggings. Note that I will only be covering questionable areas. Pasttimes that involve children and animals are completely outside the realm of decency, as is permanent scarring or overt assault, unless those latter two are performed against certain of my rivals, whose names I can provide to you upon request.

Biblioerotica: I am hereby coining this term, and if you should hear anyone else use it, notify me so that I may extract royalty payments in the form of cash or physical pain. While I am highly educated and know that this term should probably apply to sexually charged writings and/or sex with books, I will instead use it to refer to “naughty librarian sex.” As my research thalls have noted that sexy librarian outfits are sold out at all the costume company web sites they visited—and given that the current Republican vice presidential nominee presently nuzzling my thigh has been said to cultivate the “naughty librarian” look—I suspect that many people between now and Halloween will be getting sweaty with thoughts of musty bookshelves on their minds. I shudder to think what kinds of stains will be found in the reference sections as a result of little sarah-girl. In any case, this is an annoying but harmless area, and I can rate it no worse than threat level Goldenrod.

Puppet Sex: I was alerted to this by certain of my clientele and student bodies who have attended the Broadway show Avenue Q. Aside from this show, I am aware of no other notable puppet sex activities outside of some parody-oriented YouTube videos on sock puppet sex. While no one that I know of is seriously considering any of this as porn or as a true sexual diversion, I know how perverted the public really is and I realize that is probably only a matter of time before people are leaving bodily fluids all over puppets in  pay-per-view, webcam or specialty fetish videos. You are a sick collection out there, and you all deserve a severe beating, from someone less important than me. While this isn’t truly an area of sexual endevaor yet, I am forced to give it a rating of Scarlet for infringing too closely to childhood-related areas. If you participate in “fuzzy sex,” which really is a fetish area and involves people dressing up in cartoon-character-style or cartoonish animal costumes and going at it like, well, cartoon bunnies, I must likewise classify you as Scarlet with possible Tan tendencies. Even I have respect for the children’s cartoon and children’s television community.

Cake Farting: Ever since the Deacon mentioned this activity in a post after seeing a post about it at Ephphatha, I have, frankly, been horrified—at the inane nature of such a fetish, the waste of perfectly good desserts and the idea that anyone would be capable of achieving erection while enshrouded by a cloud of flatulence (or even imaging in in their mind). This activity does no harm to society but because I am judgmental and proud of being so, I classify all practitioners of it as threat level Red.

(Sound of breaking glass.)

Hmmmm…that sounded like it came from Deacon Blue’s cell. He must have slipped his knots. johnny-boy and the Deacon in the same day? I smell treachery on the part of one of my thralls. Oh, well, good slaves are so hard to find these days. Pardon me, as I must release the hounds and return to my regular duties.

The F-Word, Part 2

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So, having gotten things started with The F-Word Prologue and The F-Word, Part 1, where are we now? Oh, yeah.

What can you do? What should you do? Why does God give a crap?

Let’s start with that last one.

I can’t speak for God, obviously, but here’s the thing: Sex—and I’m talking full-on sweaty penetration-oriented penis/vagina sex, preferably with lots of fun foreplay beforehand—is serious. Yeah, it’s fun. It’s pleasurable. But it’s also serious.

This is, first and foremost, an act that has the capability of creating someone who can potentially become a child of God; the ability to create a living, breathing, thinking, feeling, spirit-filled human. But aside from that, it is an act that can connect two people like nothing else can.

I can only speak from my own experience, but when I have sex with my wife, I don’t just have fun and get to blast off at some point. I become one being with my wife. At a certain point, there is no beginning or end to us; just a circle of being. There are lots of kinds of sexual contact we engage in, some of which I actually enjoy more from a physical gratification standpoint, but it is traditional sexual intercourse—where I enter my wife and she surrounds me (and not just physically)—that is a spiritual event. We stay together mostly because we connect intellectually, verbally, emotionally and in other non-sexual ways. But when we start drifting apart, nothing heals the growing rift like sex does. It jumpstarts us. It glues us back together.

Now, if Mrs. Blue kills me for sharing that, so be it. But it is important for me to say because it underscores to me that sexual intercourse is not simply physical, not even physical/emotional—but spiritual as well. I think God considers it a waste and an insult to perform that act with someone to whom you are not absolutely and completely committed. You might as well be pouring diamonds down a sewer or champagne down a pig’s throat.

Now, I say this from a position of experience. Mrs. Blue is the only woman I’ve really ever had sex with (there was only one other woman before her with whom I tried to have sex, and the less said about that encounter, the better for my self-esteem), and obviously, I married her. True, I fornicated with her for a while before that point. And that was, truly, sinful behavior. The fact I married her doesn’t erase the fact that I fornicated with her first, and used full-on sex for gratification and not spiritual connection as well. That said, there was certainly a point at which in our relationship I was not longer simply fornicating but connecting with the woman I was already married to in spirit. But that was a small portion—and a late portion—in our premarital period.

Truth be told, I kind of regret not having waited longer to have sex with Mrs. Blue. I feel like I squandered something for nearly two years and that I let God and myself down.

Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t have had sexual contact before going down the aisle and heading for our honeymoon. To be honest, in a day and age when marriages are no longer arranged for us, I think it is impractical and even dangerous to know nothing about how to please your partner. I just don’t think you should go all the way, at least not for a good long time. And I realize that to suggest that is silly, because 95% of people or more will have sex before marriage and the few that don’t probably weren’t inclined to do so anyway, even before I opened my big mouth about this.

So what am I saying is “acceptable,” or at least what seems to me to be acceptable for premarital nookie? Well, some of you may recall my Covering the Bases posts in May (click here for part 1 and click here for part 2). I suspect my thoughts there will give you a good idea of where I’m going with this. The closer you become and the closer you get to being engaged, the farther I think you should go.

In my ideal worldview, here is what you should do when you’re dating: Try to stay on “first base” as long as you can hold out. Which, frankly, probably won’t be very long. From there, move on to “second base” for a while and try to hold out as long as you can there. I mean, folks, if you’re serious about someone and not just screwing around, the more time you spend getting to know that person and stoking the fires, the better. Most of us are weak, but I would like to think that we can be stronger; I just wish I had been. When second base can no longer hold you over, move on to “third base.” Folks, there is an awful lot of fun to be had on third base. Seriously. We should be content to sit our asses there for a while in relationships.

About the time the two of you are seriously considering that you are a match for marriage, you ought to get engaged. Once you’re engaged, as far as I’m concerned, it’s probably time to stop worrying about whether it’s a sin to go to home plate. Yeah, if you can hold out until the honeymoon, great, but at this point in the game, if you’re truly serious and truly committed and truly in prayer about it all, you might as well make sure y’all know what you’re doing before you exchange rings.

Again, just my humble opinion. God may very well disagree with me on this. But the way society works these days and the way relationships go, it probably isn’t a great idea to surprise each other on the wedding night, because some surprises aren’t pleasant.

The F-Word, Part 1

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Well, I got things rolling with The F-Word Prologue; now let’s get down to brass balls….er, brass tacks.

Because fornication is a popular sport worldwide, and curious minds want to know where I stand (or lie, as the case may be, preferably on silk sheets) on the issue of getting naked and sweaty with someone to whom you aren’t married.

Before I really get into fornication in depth (and who doesn’t like to go deep when it comes to fornication?), we need to establish what it is at its most basic.

I would assume people know, but just in case:

for·ni·ca·tion | Pronunciation: fȯr-nə-ˈkā-shən | Function: noun | Date: 14th century | Definition: consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other

OK, so that fornication thing that the Bible is so down about is sex without benefit of being in wedded bliss. It is distinguished from adultery, which is sex with someone you’re not married to, but when one or both of you are married to someone else. So, you know, if you’re single you can go for the double play and have sex with someone who’s married and wallow in a couple sins.

Uh, oh. We already have a problem. Because now I have to start by addressing just what the hell constitutes marriage these days—and yes, we do have to frame this according to the modern day because things are far more complex socially than in the really old days from centuries or millennia ago. Hell, they’re way more complicated than they were in the 1950s.

Because, if we don’t have a handle on what marriage is, we’re already in trouble. And it isn’t as easy as saying, “If you had a wedding, you’re married.” That’s legal. That’s a social contract. That’s of the world. Marriage in the spirit is what we’re talking about, and that’s what’s important, because God works in the world of the spiritual. Sin is committed through physical acts usually, but the damage in spiritual. So it’s the souls of the people having sex we have to worry about, and whether they are connected through marriage.

Miz Pink, in some of her earliest posting around here, spent a couple days talking about divorce (Splitsville and Splitsville 2)—I highly recommend you read those first then come back.

OK. Done? Great.

Her “Splitsville 2″ post is especially telling. And I agree with her 100% that she didn’t really have a marriage with her first “husband.” It doesn’t matter than they said some words and traded some rings. The reasons for the union were faulty and unsound. There was no foundation there and, frankly, no real commitment to try to build one and move their metaphorical house onto it. They were married according to the law, but really, they weren’t connected and, in my humble opinion, still committing fornication.

Now, to be honest, I am a big believer in getting up and saying some vows before people and before God. Why? Well, let me quote the theory of the “gold standard” here. In most professions, there are gold standards. For example, in the world of medical care, a certain diagonstic test, medicine, treatment plan or surgery may be the best for a certain problem. It is the gold standard because it gets the most positive impact for the most number of people most of the time.

But let’s remember the word most. Not all. Most.

We should aim for the gold standard of a church marriage where you bring God, family and friends together for the wedding.

But it would arrogant of me to say that it’s the only way or that it’s the right way for all people.

There are people who live together for years and function in every way as a married couple, but for whatever reason don’t want to be locked into the legalities or do things a certain way just to please the parents or the pastor or the meddling friends. Hell, this is typically what committed gay couples are forced to do.

Simply saying some vows before an altar doesn’t make it a true connection. People marry for lots of reasons: to be contrary, to be spiteful, because they’re confused, because they’re pregnant, because they’re infatuated, because they’re high as a kite or drunk as a skunk, and so on.

How many times in your life have you told someone you loved them, either because of an orgasm, sexual afterglow or just a romantic moment by candlelight or something? And then you realize—minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years or decades later—that not only don’t you love this person now, but you quite likely never did.

The capacity for humans to lie to themselves is tremendous.

Of course, so to is the capacity for self-serving justifications. A person could say, well, I’m married in my heart to this person so we should be having sex, and it’s not fornication at all. You could, and maybe you’re even right, but how often have you told yourself that same thing before, and how many times will you do it again?

OK, enough of that for now. I haven’t definitively answered what marriage is, and frankly there is no really clear and ironclad way to do it. Marriage is a connection of mind and spirit between two people. It is a sharing of yourself. It is, in fact, the giving up of a large portion of yourself to the other person (and that other person better be doing the same). It is commitment and rebirth, it is reward and sacrifice, it is freedom and surrender.

You might not have to wear a tux or a gown to make it happen, but be honest with yourself. Are you really married, whether you have a ring on your finger or not?

If you aren’t, sex with that other person is fornication.

(Next time, we’ll get more into why God might care and some of the other nitty-gritty of what is or isn’t fornication.)

The F-Word, Prologue

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One of my semi-regular commenters around here, Chris, brought up the rather good point in the comment section for yesterday’s post that I should probably discuss the “F-word.”

Yes, that F-word, though I generally use fornication instead of fucking. Even with my potty mouth, the dirtier version just seems too vulgar most of the time, unless I’m pretty pissed about something.

Anyway, this is what Chris posted, in part:

Yes… the f word. I’d love to hear you chase that rabbit for a post or two…Is the issue, from God’s viewpoint,the lack of ceremony? level of commitment? perspective of the heart? what about remarriage? I, too am sexually active, and not married according to the laws of my land. according to some denominations, every piece of ass I get from now on will be adultery… that doesn’t exactly motivate me to run down the aisle. And would you speculate on consequences? Is a lifelong monogamous relationship without a license or certificate sin, in God’s eyes?

Before I actually post on the topic in depth sometime in the next day or two or three, I thought I might start off by noting why I care who’s fornicating with whom and why.

Well…you see…uhhh…

I don’t.

Seriously, I don’t. As long as it involves truly consenting human adults, and no weak-willed willing person is being uduly harmed by a strong-willed person with no scruples, and if I don’t have to watch what you’re doing (unless of course it’s sexy and interesting, and I want to and you’re making it available for public viewing).

Really. Vanilla sex. Menage a trois sex. Group sex. Gay sex. Lesbian sex. S&M sex. Spouse-swapping sex. Sex on top of bags of flour in the back of the pizza joint. Sex in gorilla suits. Sex in a Jell-O pit. Sex upside down while suspended from a tree. Whatever. I don’t care. (Well, OK, there may be one or two things in there I do care about because they “interest” me, but that’s another topic entirely.)

God cares a bit. I couldn’t say exactly why, though I’ll have some thoughts. I don’t even claim to have all the answers on when you’re fornicating and when you’re not and what constitutes being “married.” But again, I’ll have my thoughts. I don’t know how many people it will help, but then again, I’m not sure if anything I do here really helps anyone, and I quite likely never will know.

Stay tuned. At least one more, and perhaps two, F-Word posts to come this week and/or next…

Age Appropriate

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I’ll be honest: May-December romances don’t make me warm and fuzzy very often. Doesn’t really matter what the respective genders are; I’m equally squidgy about older men with younger gals and older women with younger guys. I hate to be judgmental, but I always find myself wondering about the motives and, frankly, the judgment of those involved. Mind you, I’m not talking about five-year differences or even ten-year ones. Hell, at certain points in life, even 15 years ain’t bad. But there are few places in a person’s life where I can even wrap my mind around why two people with a 20 or 25 year difference or more could possibly connect on any meaningful level, unless the youngest of them in well into his or her 70s.

And sometimes—and we all know this in our hearts—even five or ten years can at times be a huge deal. Hell, to me, for a high schooler to be dating someone five years his or her senior is mind-boggling, and I pretty much assume the older member of the couple is a cradle-robbing perv.

Someone who’s fresh into college probably shouldn’t be getting together with someone 10 years older.

Fifteen years’ difference, to me, only becomes acceptable when the younger of the two is well into his or her 30s at the very least.

I know we’re talking adults mostly here (kids are always off limits for sex, but Miz Pink already addressed that in this post here), but still, even among consenting adults, lack of good judgment concerning age is still lack of good judgment. I know that my “rules” are somewhat broad-stroke and maybe not entirely fair. Also, I realize that all rules have their exceptions. But exceptions are supposed to be rare, and it feels to me like there are still way too many May-December things going on out there.

I mean, doesn’t it seem more than a little fucked up that Hugh Heffner is not only still sleeping with women less than half his age but also has some fairly young kids? And doesn’t it seem like Catherine Zeta-Jones with Michael Douglas is a little too much he’s-old-enough-to-be-her-daddy? And I just don’t get what brought Demi Moore and Ashton Kucher together aside from what I assume must be some pretty hot sex or something—if they have much else in common, I’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Taking it back to more down-to-earth folks, why do so many middle-age men still leave their wives (or at least cheat on them heavily) with women who are between 18 and 21 years old? Couldn’t you assholes as least get someone in the mid- to late-20s?

Some of this was brought to mind by the fact that my son just watched American Beauty, which is, by the way, a great film. It also has some disturbing stuff, like the unhealthy infatuation that Kevin Spacey’s character develops for his teenaged daughter’s equally teenaged friend. And lately, we seem to have a slew of female teachers going after their male students, a kind of pervy behavior that used to be the sole purview of menfolk. Must women take on the worst traits of men to feel truly equal?

I know this is a bit of a ramble this post, but I just don’t get it all. And don’t tell me about how in the Bible, or even in recent centuries, people got married in their teens and were already having babies. Times are different, and people live longer. We can, and should, wait until we are more emotionally developed these days. I don’t want to hear bull about “old enough to bleed, old enough to breed” or “old enough to cum, old enough to have fun.” Just don’t go there with me.

There is no spiritual or godly argument you can fashion without me wanting to laugh in your face or crack it in a couple places. We grown ups should be going after grown ups. I certainly can appreciate the beauty of the girls my son has dated, but I haven’t felt a twinge of lust for any of them. They belong to a different strata of humanity that I have no business having such feelings for. As far as I’m concerned, they might as well be another species.

But then again, people also use the Bible to support belief in plural marriages. Now isn’t that a great one, too. Men tacking on more, and generally younger, wives to keep having babies and to keep their dicks feeling young I guess. Yeah, really holy. Did any of them notice in the Bible that multiple wives were pretty much limited to the King of Israel? It wasn’t a wide practice to have multiple wives; it was a privilege of questionable merit. Just because Solomon had some young hottie “warming his bed” in his old age doesn’t mean you should, too.

(By the way, I actually did two posts today, so if you haven’t already done so, scroll down the main page of the blog to see the companion post to my adulterously oriented one a couple days ago, this time with men my wife might cheat on me with…just a little fun to counterbalance this bitter rant here.)

Photo from www.freeimages.co.uk

Two-fer Tuesday: Sex! by Deacon Blue

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Well, haven’t had a post on sex for a while, so why not make it up to you by making it our “Two-fer Tuesday” topic this week. Of course, with an open-ended topic like this, where to start? Well, how about with some of the open ends we use during sex.

Your Mouth

Look, if you want thoughts on oral sex, go to this post; that’s not my topic here this time (Oh, calm down you horny folks out there…I’m sure I’ll come back to the subject again one day). No, there are two other things you should be doing with that mouth that I think are perhaps more important.

First, talk to your sexual partner (spouse, ideally, but I know all you single people ain’t virgins, Christian or otherwise). Tell that person what you like and tell them, most importantly, when they are doing something really right. Let them know right then and there. But also, just be willing to talk. Be willing to joke, even. Haven’t all of us had awkward moments in bed or failures to “be all that we could be?” Don’t make flub-ups a big deal. Keep it light. Sex is serious business, but if we get too serious about how we do it, we’re going to screw all the fun right out of it.

Second point about the mouth: Kiss, damn it! Kissing is important. It’s important day to day, it’s important for the warm-up routine before you really hit the sheets, it’s just really important. And let’s hear it for good oral hygiene, folks. Bad breath might be one of the surest ways to make your partner think you’re taking him or her for granted. And never start thinking that kissing is some simple activity. Much like the full-monty kind of sex, there are a lot of things you can learn about kissing, no matter how long you’ve been doing it, from new places to kiss to new ways to kiss those places.

Your Tunnel of Love

I would urge women to stop douching the hell out of their holiest of holies. Cleanliness is next to godliness, but your parts are mostly self-cleaning, thank you very much. Minor manual cleaning is all you should ever need. Men, stop making the smelly fish references to women’s parts, too. If there’s truly a bad smell, that’s a personal thing and maybe that woman needs some medical help. Women don’t smell like wharf-side food stands in general, so let’s stop with the tuna comments, OK? And if you don’t like the natural smell of a woman, take up celibacy.

Your Pocket Rocket

OK, the penis doesn’t have much of an opening, but he is an open end. He’s also an open book. Few things telegraph a man’s feelings more honestly and more unforgivably than a boner. Sadly, this eager muscle also has a tendency to let men down at inopportune moments. Ladies, a few things you need to realize if you haven’t figured it out already. First, sometimes, the equipment just lets us down by being too eager or just not doing anything. That’s nothing personal; it’s just a cruel joke on us. Second, I think we men should be able to let you admit that often, you do think that size matters. Just don’t get caught up in thinking that’s all that matters. A good driver in a compact car is always way better than a bad one in an SUV.

Your Derriere

Look, folks, this is not an all-or-nothing affair here. There are many ways the hindquarters can come into play in sex, whether for teasing or more aggressive activities or something in between. I’ll pretty much stop there because I know I have some squeamish readers. Just  keep an open mind. And keep it clean down there, just in case, OK. (All right, I’ve said too much now, haven’t I?)

Your Ears

Oh, you need to get your mind of the gutter on this one. I mean, really! OK, yeah, this can be an erogenous zone but please, don’t do anything there that will mess up the works, all right? That’s all I’m going to say on that, because people can do some crazy shit sometimes. Do please nibble, suck, lick and kiss them with abandon though.

But seriously, your ears need to be one of the most open parts of your anatomy if you want good sexual relations in your relationship. Listen to your spouse. More than that, really hear the person you say you love. Sometimes, that means picking up cues and realizing what they haven’t said or what they want to say. If your spouse says, “No, that’s OK, I’m fine.” It may really mean that he or she is trying to be nice to you, and maybe the nicer thing would be to spring a little sexual surprise on that person. Likewise, your man or woman may say, “let do it” but if those eyes are telling a different story, maybe the best thing would be to do it another day. Ask questions. Answer honestly.

Also, feel free to whisper some sweet nothings in those ears or even talk some of that dirty stuff. Good sex means bringing all the senses along for the ride.

(For Miz Pink’s take on sex today, go here.)

Two-fer Tuesday: Sex! by Miz Pink

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Ya know, I’ve read some on this idea of what is it, 30 days of sex or something along those lines? The notion that you, as a couple, make a decision that every day, for a whole month, you will have sex. I’m a’thinkin that a lot of women are thinking “oh no” and a lot of men are thinking “oh yea” right about now. I don’t know how I feel about this.

On the one hand as a Christian wife I think it’s kinda cool as a concept and as a relationship experiment. Husbands and wives aren’t supposed to deny themselves to each other so go all out for a month (or a couple weeks or a few months or whatever y’all decide amongst yerselves) seems like it could be a good idea. A crash course, a boot camp of love. Mashing yourself together so that you become truly one unit.

Then there’s the part of me that thinks: Boy that’s contrived. Every day? Isn’t that forced? Isn’t that expecting too much of any relationship?

For me and Sir Pink, we have another kind of plan in place. Something that we want to do every day (excpet in cases of illness or geographic separation). Instead of sex every day for a period of time, intimate contact every day for at least five minutes.

C’mon, you know how busy our lives get. How easy it is to forget with the kids and the jobs and all that to just sit down and snuggle. Or kiss. Or just tease each other knowing that you won’t actually do full on sex for another day or two?

What’s lacking in too many relationships these days is intimacy. We love each other. We care about each other. We enjoy each others company.

But we don’t talk often enough about our feelings and desires. We don’t just spend time basking in the glow of the other person. We don’t just spend time listening or shutting up and holding the other person. We don’t connect.

I think a 30-day challenge can do a lot to encourage connection. But after that 30 days of daily sex, will you simply have had a wild and fun ride or will you still be feeling connected a month later? I think maybe all of us should try a 30-day thang at least once in life. But I encourage you to spend five or ten or fifteen minutes every day for closeness with your lovey dovey partner and see what that does for you.

(Deke’s post on sex is over here)

F Is for Fetish, Take Two

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OK, going out on a limb here possibly. When I posted the first “F Is for Fetish” post back in late May, it lasted less than a day before I pulled it off because there was something about it that rubbed Mrs. Blue wrong. Still not sure what it was, and not sure she does either, but I trust her instincts. It’s funny though; I would have figured that if anyone in this house would have been disturbed by that post it would have been my 16-year-old son. I mean, most teens are horrified that their parental units even have sex, much less learn how much we know about special kinds of sex at our advanced ages. Yet he had no problem with it (having read the post before I managed to take it down). Go figure.

So, I’m going to take a different and less detailed tack with the topic this time, and perhaps a more useful one. First, let’s get terminology out of the way. A fetish is, generally speaking, getting sexually aroused by something that isn’t in and of itself sexual. For a select and very small percentage of the population, they need their fetish to conclude the deal in the bedroom (or bathroom or living room or boardroom or storeroom or wherever). For most people, though, it’s just a little something extra that makes things more worthwhile or special when the spouse (or other sexual partner) is willing to indulge the kinky desire.

What does this mean for the Christian married couple (or for the fornicating non-Christians and unmarried Christians who come here because I don’t give them a ration of shit over their sexual sins, since that would be to invite a ration of shit over things like my desire to lie to people I don’t want to deal with on the phone)? What it means is that we need to be educated.

I’m not advocating that every Christian turn into an Internet porn addict. But a little surfing on the Internet seas of kink might not hurt. Make sure your virus, adware, spyware and spam protection are up to date and do some searching on kinks. Believe me, from the printed word to the photos, there is plenty out there to find, and a lot of the pictures (or at least the thumbnails) are free. No need to get out your credit cards and put money into the pockets of folks when you might wonder if they’re taking advantage of women (or men) or otherwise being fiendishly nasty human beings.

I suggest this because I don’t think it’s good to go into your sexual life (or continue it) in ignorance. Strangely enough, Penthouse and Hustler, while they are nasty misogynist publications in many respects, kept me out of a lot of sexual trouble as a teen, and by filtering out the bullshit and overreachingly sexist parts, I actually learned a lot about what I should do to make women happy in bed (long before I ever ended up with one in bed). When it comes to learning about kinks and fetishes specifically though, the reason I think it’s good to know what’s out there (and there’s quite a wide range of it I might add) is that it would not be good to end up in bed with your spouse, either right after a wedding or years into the marriage, and have them finally work up the nerve to tell you they really, really like something you might just find a little weird…

…and then you freak out. “Oh my God! I couldn’t imagine anyone would find that sexy!” That’s not healthy for a relationship.

Fetishes are a lot more common than you think. I daresay that the majority of people have something that they find sexy or arousing that isn’t “vanilla”-themed and isn’t traditionally considered something you would sexualize. Some of these kinks may not be at the really weird end of the spectrum; you know, it might be something “common” like having a predilection for your partner wearing leather accouterments or something, but even if they aren’t really super freaky, they can still be jarring to a person if that other person without the kink has lived a sheltered sexual existence or thinks that missionary style with the lights off is the be-all and end-all of sexual activity.

Fetishes and kinks are quite franky integral parts of the sexual makeup of a lot of people, whether a major part or just something that crops up from time to time. I would not want to have anyone out there be blindsided. I would rather you bone up on the subject (pun entirely intended) and get a grounding on the wide world of fetishes, rather than have you blow a gasket when you find out that you have someone in bed with you whose kinks are much different than yours and perhaps a bit harder to accommodate.

Because while you may not be able to satisfy every kink in the world (you’d have to be a real freaky-deaky sex addict to pull that off), it would at least be nice if you could not be horrified when your partner tells you about it. That way, even if you have to say “no,” at least you can do so kindly, explain why, and try to find something else you will do and might like to do that will add some zing and take away some of the sting the other person might be feeling.

The Big “O”

2 Replies

So what better way to mark Independence Day here in the United States—a holiday during which we are known to launch tons of fireworks, both the ones from the roadside stands and the big public shows where it sounds like we’re being bombed—than to talk about a personal kind of explosion.

The orgasm.

OK, I’m going off the rails slightly here, because to the best of my knowledge, the Bible doesn’t talk about orgasms specifically. It does, however, discuss how husbands and wives are supposed to love one another and not deny each other their bodies and all that. In other words, despite how some people seem to want to paint sex as a procreation-only activity, we are supposed to enjoy it. At least if we’re doing it within the confines of a healthy marriage.

So here’s what I take away from the Bible and my intuitions about God: We’re supposed to make each other feel good. Wives needs to satisfy their husbands and husbands need to satisfy their wives. The Bible tells us it’s better to give than to receive, and I believe we should take that philosophy into our bedrooms too.

This means, all you husbands out there, that you need to learn about foreplay if you haven’t already done so. Many of you do understand this concept and work to get your wives well and truly worked up and push them over into fireworks by the end of things. Some of you, however, think that once you’ve exploded, the show is over. And some couples mutually seem to think that the idea is simply to plant the seed and be done with it, and orgasms be damned (for the woman at least; the man can’t help but orgasm if any seed is to be planted). I mean, why would God give women the ability to orgasm, and give them the clitoris, which serves no other purpose but to incite orgasm, if He didn’t plan on women experiencing orgasm?

If we husbands don’t give our wives orgasms on at least a decent basis, we have failed. Doesn’t mean you’ll always achieve it, but it should be more often than not unless your wife has some sort of physical problem, like say lack of a clitoris or zero libido—in which case medical intervention and/or counseling are probably in order. Nothing kills a good marriage like lack of intimacy and lack of sexual satisfaction.

Ladies, I would like to impress upon you the need to stop with the fake orgasms. First, it’s a lie, and lying is a sin. Also, if you let us men think you’re exploding and you really aren’t, you may never see a real orgasm. And if we don’t know when you’re faking and when you’re not, we don’t know if we’ve done a good job. So do use all a favor. No faking. Ever. Instead, help us learn to do better and help us figure out what you want.

Now, many men may be groaning right now. “Deacon, we men don’t have any problems with orgasms; it’s not our fault women have such tricky anatomy. What do we get out of all this? Almost any woman who isn’t comatose can get a man to come.” Quit your whining. We don’t have blood dripping from inside our dicks every month either. And no one asks us to push out a watermelon from an opening that would have enough trouble accommodating something the circumference of a drinking glass.

That said, I do think there are things our wives can (and should) do for us, one of them being to realize that we often feel the need for release more than they do. But instead of me going on about that, I will hand this over to Miz Pink for a moment to speak on behalf of men with the women:

                                                                                 

Hiya! Miz Pink here! Deke’s already toldja it ain’t much work to make a man orgasm. It’s more work than he thinks, but he’s right that it’s generally pretty easy. Y’all know it. So I’ll tell ya what we women should do: Make it nice. Don’t rush it. Make it something to savor. And yes, let’s humor our men a bit. Most of em like makeup and frilly little lingerie and high heels and whatnot. Men like the eye candy more than we do, so let’s do them a favor and not resent them for wanting it. If we want them to do right by us, we also have to do right by them. And don’t forget that sometimes, men need their egos stroked almost as much as they want some other things stroked. Also, give them some extra goodies now and again even when you don’t wanna do the full monty. Five to ten minutes can mean a lot if you spend those minutes well.

So, as Deke would probably say if I were to let him back in here (which I won’t):
Let the fireworks begin!!!!

Pro-Con(traception)

17 Replies

Dear Pope:

I realize that running the Roman Catholic Church, a global entity with millions upon millions of members, is a frightfully massive task. I understand that you are an elderly man with some old-fashioned standards. I know that you have issues with sexual immorality in the world. I’m sure that you love the sound of newborn babes uttering their first cries before putting their heads to their mothers’ bosoms. I sympathize with you, truly.

But, with all due respect—where contraception is concerned—please get your head out of your ass. Particularly about this condom thing.

How can you and the rest of your Vatican hoard be against something that prevents rampant overpopulation in struggling nations and can greatly slow the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, not the least of which is HIV/AIDS?

Jesus might not have been in favor of premarital sex, and in his day having as many kids as you could was a good thing. But he’d be ashamed of your short-sighted dogmatic habit of clinging to an outmoded notion that condoms promote immorality and that preventing pregnancy is by its very nature a slap to God’s face.

The Vatican has had some 2,000 to get its act together. On this issue, I tell you simply:

Grow the hell up.
                                                                                                      

I realize that many Islamic leaders and many on the conservative Christian right also seem to equate contraception with contravention of God’s will. And they think that for government agencies and others to spend money condoms for disease prevention and pregnancy prevention (and other forms of birth control just to stem the tide of unwanted pregnancies) is somehow the same as advocating immorality.

They are also full of shit. But there are many of them, and only one pope, so it’s easier to write a fictional pissed-off memo to him. Besides, the Vatican has been one of the most prominent evildoers when it comes to anti-contraception bullshit, having spouted off around the world even in recent years that condoms are bad. C’mon! Pulling out early is acceptable and using the “rhythm method” is OK, but physically stopping the sperm from getting near the ova is a sin. I’ve heard some talk from Vatican folks more recently that suggests condom use to prevent the spread of AIDS is the “lesser evil” but that isn’t much of an improvement. I understand if they want to speak out against premarital sex but to talk of a barrier form of contraception as evil is so mind-numbingly idiotic my brain just wants to shut down even writing about it.

I’m willing to concede that none of us really knows when life begins. I’ve heard arguments that birth control pills and IUDs aren’t simply anti-pregnancy measures but also sometimes abortive measures. Some of the reasons given for that seem a bit specious scientifically, but I’m willing to entertain the possibility, at least, that they sometimes may be interefering with the formation of life at a stage that is after conception (the fusion of sperm and ovum).

Personally, I’m not entirely comfortable with the concept that a small human isn’t yet a true life—and thus open season for abortion—simply because he or she has no possibility of survival outside the womb. Seems to me at some point before it has a chance to be a legit preemie in a hospital  incubator, a baby in the womb has organs and the beginnings of a mind and deserves more than a casual brush off on a scientific technicality. But that doesn’t really come into play with contraceptives from any reading I’ve done on the subject. I don’t know of any half-formed fetuses dead with IUDs in their chests. And condoms and the pill and foams and the rest likewise have no effect on an actual embryo or fetus.

And still, what gnaws at me most of all, even if you can come up with some slim argument against chemical means of birth control or the IUD: How can you speak out against condoms?

What kind of absolute moron do you have to be to oppose condoms? Are we to believe that the moment a man ejaculates, a soul is deposited into one of his sperm—the exact right sperm to do the job? If God is that freakin’ precise, he wouldn’t have given us men millions of swimmers and given them such an overall shitty chance of impregnating a woman.

I swear that if someone ever tells me a condom is evil because it subverts God’s will, I am probably going to smack that person across the mouth. I won’t be proud of it, but may just lose my cool. Because it is such idiocy.

Men’s sperm die in the testicles and get reabsorbed all the time. St. Paul commented on how wonderful it would be if more people could simply be celibate and focus on spreading the gospel instead of splitting their heart between a human lover and Jesus. So God apparently doesn’t mind if sperm or ova go unused in the body.

Yet we have numbnuts who want to go on about how bad condoms are because they prevent a sperm and egg from ever meeting up. Oh, I’m sorry. So, every husband and wife should be saddled with as many kids as fertility allows, even though their finances, time or even sanity (and society’s) might not be able to handle that many kids. Everyone who engages in premarital sex should be required to have the very real and high-level risk of a unwanted pregnancy that might lead to an unhappy union, a neglected child or an abortion. Everyone who engages in sex, married or otherwise, should be exposed to the risk of contracting a potentially lethal sexually trasmitted disease.

Yeah, very forward-thinking, you religiously extreme contraception fascists.

I’m not very comfortable with abortion overall. I’m not pro-life in the sense that I would take the choice away from women, but I freely admit the idea of abortion just doesn’t sit well with me personally. But contraception? I see not one problem with it. If we can stop the process before a human being is formed—in cases where a couple doesn’t want a baby—I’m all for it.

And for those who would rail against the use of contraception, and condoms in particular, I feel like saying you should all pull a damn condom over your head until your brain starves from lack of oxygen and you relieve the world of one more irredeemable idiot.

But I’m against suicide, so that won’t work. Oh, well.

(Photo by Ian Britton, from www.freefoto.com)