Acts of the Hummus Idol, Springing Back

hummus-faceI realize that I have been gone a long while, and no doubt your hearts and souls have languished in my absence.

However, I see precious few deflowered virgins, blood sacrifices, burnt offerings or even household altars to indicate how much you appreciate me.

Fuckers.

In any case, not that I owe you any explanation, but I have been gone thanks to a misunderstanding with some of the authorities in the spiritual world.

Seems that someone (probably that  nosy-assed Cupid or that son of a bitch Loki) overheard me say that I advocate the beating of children. As such, protective authorities have had me in custody, as child beatings are one of the few things frowned upon among god and godlings.

However, it has since been cleared up, when I was able to prove I was talking about the eating of children. This is a practice I wholeheartedly endorse, along with my friend Baba Yaga and some trolls that I associate with sometimes, and it is not forbidden among the supernatural folk. And now, back to the lowly task that Deacon Blue has set for me…

I, the great and powerful Hummus Idol, will now entertain your questions and grant unto you the wisdom that only a pile of very angry crushed chickpeas, tahini, olive oil and other seasonings can offer. Don’t let the smiling face fool you. I am a fridge-cold killah. Bow down before me, speak your question, and incline your ears or any other convenient part of your anatomy as I spew my advice upon thee.

Q: Barack Obama has already gone back on, or failed to advance, many of the platforms, policies and philosophies he touted on the campaign trail. And despite his vaunted education, here the stock market continues to be troubled and we are on the verge of a new Depression. How can anyone support him? – Oscar P. Numbnuts, Manchester, N.H.

A: I am loathe to support or defend Obama. I was quite happy with the depradations of Bush and Cheney, and was hoping for more of the same, which is why I was cheering for the Old Geezer and the Crazy Bitch this past election (sadly, as a native of the Nether Realms, I was ineligible to vote). But in all honesty, when was the last time you saw a candidate follow through on all the campaign promises, or even a good chunk of them, once in office? Reality is a bitch, and things change. Also, he hasn’t even finished his first hundred days in office. Moreover, I am a god, and even if I wanted to (which I expressly do NOT), I couldn’t fix the mess that Bush and Cheney left in less than six months.

Q: Is there any way you can lay down a curse on Deacon Blue for banning me? – Thordaddy, Somewhere in the Land of Ignorance

A: If it were up to me, I’d have you back in a heartbeat. I loved your stuff in the comments here. However, Deacon Blue has certain…controls…over me that prevent me from acting against him. Would that it were otherwise, as I would squeeze the blood from his flesh and grind his bones to powder. You’re my kind of guy, spreading divisiveness under the guise of promoting freedom. Misusing religion to support unequal treatment. Refusing to bend to logic. Hell, you should have had a place in Bush’s administration. Best of luck to you!

Q: What do you think of the new Facebook layout? I love it! – Lols Texter Twitterson, Santa Fe, New Mexico

A: It’s great, if you have time all day to spend on it sorting through the ton of crap that gets dumped on your main page now. It’s the best new version of Twitter that I’ve ever seen. A pity that it should look like Facebook instead.

(Image by Stewart Butterfield, who is not affiliated with this blog and who doesn’t even know I or my opinions exist, and used under Creative CommonsAttribution 2.0 License)

(Hummus Idol does not speak as a representative or agent of Deacon Blue or anyone else associated with this blog. In fact, Hummus Idol doesn’t exist. He is wholly and completely a manufactured character that acts as an angry facade behind which Deacon Blue can hide for petty entertainment purposes and for times when he needs to be extra crusty and get shit off his chest. That said, you can feel free to shower the Hummus Idol with offerings of jewelry, money or fine art…he will make sure it goes someplace where it is needed.) View complete list of Humus Idol entries here.

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