What offense have I committed against the universe or its creator that it or He continues to inflict me with the cursed Deacon Blue!? For months, nine of them to be precise, I have managed to hide behind an infernal nexus under a spiritual singularity sandwiched between a nether portal node and chaos spiral quasi-warp.
Not that any of you self-important, over-evolved chimps calling yourselves homo sapiens would understand any of that. Suffice to say, my delicious and nutritious godly self was well hidden from the Deacon, who had bound me to service to him through the most devious means possible: plenty of lawyers with mountains of court orders, injunctions and liens.
I knew I shouldn’t have condemned all my legal counsel to the depths of Gehenna 10 years ago.
Oh, and how did the mortal bastard track me down to drag me back here? I don’t even want to say, but he compels me to. Dog the fucking bounty hunter. A reality TV putz. Found by a blond Neanderthal named Dog. I won’t be able to show myself in godly circles for centuries now without shame. Zeus already revoked my Olympus privileges. Though that might have had something more to do with nailing Hera last week…
I, the great and powerful Hummus Idol, will now entertain your questions and grant unto you the wisdom that only a pile of very angry crushed chickpeas, tahini, olive oil and other seasonings can offer. Don’t let the smiling face fool you. I am a fridge-cold killah. Bow down before me, speak your question, and incline your ears or any other convenient part of your anatomy as I spew my advice upon thee.
Q: How the hell can we get writer/director/loudmouth Kevin Smith to let up on us already? I mean, sure, we have a random policy of persecution against large people, but we don’t charge extra for people’s baggage. That’s gotta count for something, right? And we offered him a $100 voucher. And said “sorry” even though we treated him like shit and called him a safety risk. What can we do? – Southwest Airlines (http://twitter.com/SouthwestAir).
A: You mortals who don’t already follow Kevin Smith at http://twitter.com/ThatKevinSmith via Twitter (as I do, because who else talks as much about smoking weed and licking out his wife’s ass?), you can click here and/or click here for some stories on the Southwest Airlines fuck-up.
Now, to answer the desperate concerns of the Southwest Airlines public relations team: Don’t you idiots realize this it the information age? First off, plenty of other folks noticed that “Silent Bob” was on the flight. And you should have been overjoyed he flies you instead of first class on United or something. You have 1.3 million followers on your Twitter page. He has 1.6 million. And his followers probably like him more than yours like you. You are outclassed.
Even if this had been a normal mortal, do you know how many ranting tweets and Facebook posts go viral? Piss off the wrong person who just gets noticed by a bunch of other people, and your image is toast.
Just give up, shut up and hope he tires of ridiculing you soon. You might want to reconsider your capricious and inconsistently applied policy, too. Oh, and lower your rates, damn it! You used to be a cheap airline. How am I supposed to smuggle my minions across the United States with you costing more than the bigger airlines sometimes now?
Shit, I am going to tweet about you mercilessly now, too, just as soon as I figure out how to register an account with the firewalls the Deacon has set up to keep me from communicating with potential rescuers.
Oh, and while I love your filthy mouth and mind, Kevin, suck it up already. You made your point. And if you think you have it bad, consider when I tried to fly a couple decades or so ago, and they tried to serve me up as an in-flight snack. Of course, the joke was on them when I used my powers to crash the plane into a frozen peak and they ended up having to chow down on their own dead.
Yeah, I’m bitter like that.
Q: Please, please, can I give up the act already? I don’t know how much longer I can pretend to believe the insane shit I spout on-air. – Glenn Beck
A: Offer up your children to me in sacrifice. Or your wife. You were wise enough to only lease your soul to me instead of selling it, but you still owe me for all the money and viewers I sent your way. Keep spouting the utter nonsense and working the teabaggers and birthers into a frenzy. I need the chaos they create.
Q: Why do people keep snickering at me when I say I’m a teabagger? – Simon Scrotumberg, Nashville, Tenn.
A: Because teabagging is a sexual term that means someone is sucking on your balls or vice-versa. Just like you’re sucking the balls of the GOP, which is gumming up government just to be evil and contrary (thankfully for me) and the balls of every commentator on FOX News who gleefully lies to you at my command.
Q: How can we reclaim the term “teabagging” from that damn Teabag Party and all its dopey minions? – Stewart Suckerworth, Augusta, Maine
A: Do your filthy act in the public squares and in the middle of the workplace, and shout “I’m teabagging this guy!” or “I’m being teabagged by this dude (or chick)!” and get several thousands of your closest friends to do the same nationwide. And put it on YouTube and Twitpic.
(Hummus Idol does not speak as a representative or agent of Deacon Blue or anyone else associated with this blog. In fact, Hummus Idol doesn’t exist. He is wholly and completely a manufactured character that acts as an angry facade behind which Deacon Blue can hide for petty entertainment purposes and for times when he needs to be extra crusty and get shit off his chest. That said, you can feel free to shower the Hummus Idol with offerings of jewelry, money or fine art…he will make sure it goes someplace where it is needed.) View complete list of Humus Idol entries here.