An Open Letter to Potential Alien Invaders

Dear Extraterrestrial Denizen of Technologically Advanced Capabilities:

Motion pictures throughout my life (some 43 orbits now around our star, Sol) have taught me that when you pass through our solar system, there is a good chance you will stop off at Earth (also known as Terra and situated as the third planet out from Sol) and attempt to destroy us. Or at least conquer us. Or perhaps leave after taking many of our natural resources.

I don’t fault you for this on a philosophical basis, of course, as I live inĀ  a nation that promotes wealth creation and consolidation by the few most powerful in our society. So, I understand subjugation and the quest to take from others for self-focused reasons.

All the same, I thought I should inform you of certain facts of which you might not be aware before you take the step of sending robotic troops, or covering our planet in nanotech machines that reshape it, or perhaps invading our bodies and taking them as your own:

Weather…or Not

The climate really leaves something to be desired these days. We’ve done so many things to change the course of rivers and the carbon levels in the air, just to name two, that it’s really hard to predict when we’re going to get nice days anymore. Plus, it’s increased the chances for various natural disasters. So, there really aren’t a lot of places left that are predictably and consistently nice. I suppose I won’t begrudge you taking over those few spots if you refrain from disintegrating or enslaving those of us in other locales.

Ergonomics…No Go

Look, our furniture isn’t going to fit you right, and none of our shit is going to be at all ergonomic for you. Oh, I’m sure you packed plenty of crap in those starships but certainly not enough to furnish an entire planet. Since our existing architectures and accouterments aren’t likely to work for you, maybe you should go someplace else. I hear that the fourth planet in the Rigel XII system is based on nothing but bean bag-style furnishing, which should meet the needs of any conquering race as long as it doesn’t have a spiky body. If you are spiky, you could consider settling into the various punk or Goth scenes, as you will fit in well with all the piercings and occasional mohawks.

Don’t Go There…At Least Not Without Plenty of Lube

Look, those gray-skinned, big-headed, wide-eyed, long-armed extraterrestrials who’ve been buzzing our planet for decades now are not to be trusted. They are trying to pull a practical joke on you. Our anuses are not nearly as fun to probe as you’ve likely been led to believe.

Resources…We Ain’t Got ‘Em

We’ve used up all our fossil fuels just about. It’s likely you aren’t in need of those if you’re traveling interstellar distances, but maybe you get high off petroleum. I don’t know. But we’re running way low, so don’t bother. Also, as far as radioactive material, we’ve used so much of it for nuclear missiles and reactors over the years…not to mention a whole buttload of glow-in-the-dark crap…that I doubt we can supply enough to meet more than a few years of your need. Find a somewhat less developed planet. Oh, water? Ha! You need water? We’ve polluted so much of ours that you’re shit out of luck. We’ve even done a good job of fouling the oceans that cover most of our planet. And if you’re thinking of just grabbing what little clean water remains and going, that’s not gonna work well, now is it? You know how heavy that stuff gets. You’ll never make it out of our gravity well, and then you’ll crash and be stuck here on beaches with a bunch of fat-assed humans in too-small swimming suits on beaches that are a whole lot bigger and less interesting thanks to you trying to make off with the H20.

To Serve Man…With a Side of Mashed Grutilsnark

Finally, maybe you want to come here to eat us. Think again. Look, many of us are in famine-starved areas and thus really tough and stringy. In more developed nations, there are plenty of fattened-up humans, but you should see the things they put in their bodies. Most of us well-fed ones must be pretty toxic. If you’d seen some of the places most of us have been, you’d never want to put us in your mouth…or maw…or suck us through you proboscis or whatever. However, I am told that there is a large group of really juicy humans if you want a treat before you leave. They’re called politicians and lobbyists and most of them can be found in Washington, D.C. Trust me.

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