So what better way to mark Independence Day here in the United States—a holiday during which we are known to launch tons of fireworks, both the ones from the roadside stands and the big public shows where it sounds like we’re being bombed—than to talk about a personal kind of explosion.

The orgasm.

OK, I’m going off the rails slightly here, because to the best of my knowledge, the Bible doesn’t talk about orgasms specifically. It does, however, discuss how husbands and wives are supposed to love one another and not deny each other their bodies and all that. In other words, despite how some people seem to want to paint sex as a procreation-only activity, we are supposed to enjoy it. At least if we’re doing it within the confines of a healthy marriage.

So here’s what I take away from the Bible and my intuitions about God: We’re supposed to make each other feel good. Wives needs to satisfy their husbands and husbands need to satisfy their wives. The Bible tells us it’s better to give than to receive, and I believe we should take that philosophy into our bedrooms too.

This means, all you husbands out there, that you need to learn about foreplay if you haven’t already done so. Many of you do understand this concept and work to get your wives well and truly worked up and push them over into fireworks by the end of things. Some of you, however, think that once you’ve exploded, the show is over. And some couples mutually seem to think that the idea is simply to plant the seed and be done with it, and orgasms be damned (for the woman at least; the man can’t help but orgasm if any seed is to be planted). I mean, why would God give women the ability to orgasm, and give them the clitoris, which serves no other purpose but to incite orgasm, if He didn’t plan on women experiencing orgasm?

If we husbands don’t give our wives orgasms on at least a decent basis, we have failed. Doesn’t mean you’ll always achieve it, but it should be more often than not unless your wife has some sort of physical problem, like say lack of a clitoris or zero libido—in which case medical intervention and/or counseling are probably in order. Nothing kills a good marriage like lack of intimacy and lack of sexual satisfaction.

Ladies, I would like to impress upon you the need to stop with the fake orgasms. First, it’s a lie, and lying is a sin. Also, if you let us men think you’re exploding and you really aren’t, you may never see a real orgasm. And if we don’t know when you’re faking and when you’re not, we don’t know if we’ve done a good job. So do use all a favor. No faking. Ever. Instead, help us learn to do better and help us figure out what you want.

Now, many men may be groaning right now. “Deacon, we men don’t have any problems with orgasms; it’s not our fault women have such tricky anatomy. What do we get out of all this? Almost any woman who isn’t comatose can get a man to come.” Quit your whining. We don’t have blood dripping from inside our dicks every month either. And no one asks us to push out a watermelon from an opening that would have enough trouble accommodating something the circumference of a drinking glass.

That said, I do think there are things our wives can (and should) do for us, one of them being to realize that we often feel the need for release more than they do. But instead of me going on about that, I will hand this over to Miz Pink for a moment to speak on behalf of men with the women:

Hiya! Miz Pink here! Deke’s already toldja it ain’t much work to make a man orgasm. It’s more work than he thinks, but he’s right that it’s generally pretty easy. Y’all know it. So I’ll tell ya what we women should do: Make it nice. Don’t rush it. Make it something to savor. And yes, let’s humor our men a bit. Most of em like makeup and frilly little lingerie and high heels and whatnot. Men like the eye candy more than we do, so let’s do them a favor and not resent them for wanting it. If we want them to do right by us, we also have to do right by them. And don’t forget that sometimes, men need their egos stroked almost as much as they want some other things stroked. Also, give them some extra goodies now and again even when you don’t wanna do the full monty. Five to ten minutes can mean a lot if you spend those minutes well.

So, as Deke would probably say if I were to let him back in here (which I won’t):
Let the fireworks begin!!!!