I, the great and powerful Hummus Idol, will now entertain your questions and grant unto you the wisdom that only a pile of very angry crushed chickpeas, tahini, olive oil and other seasonings can offer. Don’t let the smiling face fool you. I am a fridge-cold killah. Bow down before me, speak your question, and incline your ears or any other convenient part of your anatomy as I spew my advice upon thee.

Q: Please, Hummus Idol, can you tell me the proper amount I should give to my church to ensure God will approve of me? – Samantha Angstrom, Grosse Pointe, Mich.

A: As a powerful supernatural being with the kind of advanced intellect that is only possible to obtain from organically grown chickpeas, I have been able to glean from various prophetic passages and from numerology applied to the Old and New Testaments the precise formula for giving to your church in an amount pleasing to the Almighty God, whom I shall overthrow just as soon as I figure out how to generate a pair of arms. That formula is:

GI * GC + FA – (lts + A – mi * GOP) / QVC + IOU – URGR8T * RU18QT

Where GI = gross income, GC = gross character deficiencies, FA = felony acquittals, lts = value of your largest tax shelter…

…you don’t really think there is some magic amount of money you can put in the collection plate to cover your sins, do you? You did? Interesting. I may have to reassess my belief in evolution, as it doesn’t seem to have affected you humans much, at least not in a positive way.

Let me put it to you this way: God controls all of creation, has limitless mental capabilities and perceptions, already owns everything and allowed you to have whatever it is that you have.

And you’re going to try to bribe Him to let you into Heaven?

A-ha-ha-ha-hah-ha-ha. *sniffle* Now, could you explain…hrrrr…hah-ha-ha-ha ha. Ahhhhhh.

Never mind.

Q: As part of my goals to network with the right people and advance my career, I avoided a number of other very nice congregations and joined the biggest and most connected church that would be sympathetic to my aspirations, and well, I had a falling out with them over some comments their pastor made. I’m wondering, now that I’ve distanced myself from the entire church because of one man, what is an appropriate amount of time I should let pass before I start making guest appearances at their pulpit and start asking for additional support? – Barry O., Chicago, Ill.

A: Senator Obama, my administrative assistant has returned all of your calls and has told you multiple times that I only give spiritual advice and spiritual endowments of power. I don’t do politics, certainly not since that Gary Hart fiasco. You have an entire campaign team to answer this question for you.

Q: Oh wise and powerful Hummus Idol, I want to thank you again for the boon of your protection and the blessings you have bestowed upon me. The media continues to give me a free ride when it comes to my crazy friends and associates, my anger management issues, my desire to wage war on much of the Middle East and maybe that fucking Vietnam as well, and the lies both me and my wife tell constantly. Every human sacrifice and blood offering I have made to you has been worth it. I don’t even notice the loss of my soul most days. Tell me, is there anything more I must give over to you to ensure that I achieve my ultimate dream? – “A Patriotic Veteran in Arizona”

A: Senator McCain, I think you need to fill the prescription on your medications again and perhaps review the dosages with your physician, because your mind is slipping again. You made the bulk of your deals with Satan and, I suspect, a couple side deals with Chthulu and Loki. I have no part in any of your good fortune. However, in lieu of blood sacrifices, it would be acceptable for you to send me $2 million for consulting fees. I won’t give you any consulting; I just want the fees. If I have it by tomorrow, I may be able to convince Hillary Clinton to be your running mate. She and I use the same massage therapist.

(Image by Stewart Butterfield, who is not affiliated with this blog and who doesn’t even know I or my opinions exist, and used under Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 License)

(Hummus Idol does not speak as a representative or agent of Deacon Blue or anyone else associated with this blog. In fact, Hummus Idol doesn’t exist. He is wholly and completely a manufactured character that acts as an angry facade behind which Deacon Blue can hide for petty entertainment purposes and for times when he needs to be extra crusty and get shit off his chest. That said, you can feel free to shower the Hummus Idol with offerings of jewelry, money or fine art…he will make sure it goes someplace where it is needed.) View complete list of Humus Idol entries here.