As part of my ongoing struggle with the dark overlord Chthulu over who gets the parking space under the shade tree and legal problems with the producers of “American Idol,” who had hoped to use “Hummus Idol” as the name for a new spin-off show appealing to a small culinary-minded niche demographic in the Mediterranean (I think it was for the Chickpea Cable Channel, or C³TV)…well, I have been very busy. As such, I absolutely refuse to apologize for not having appeared here in August after promising to appear monthly. Deacon Blue may think he has bound me to his will by using questionable occult practices (or was it a court injunction, I get those confused), but I serve no will but my own.

Now, back to business…

I, the great and powerful Hummus Idol, will now entertain your questions and grant unto you the wisdom that only a pile of very angry crushed chickpeas, tahini, olive oil and other seasonings can offer. Don’t let the smiling face fool you. I am a fridge-cold killah. Bow down before me, speak your question, and incline your ears or any other convenient part of your anatomy as I spew my advice upon thee.

Q: I was one of those people praying, as James Dobson and Focus on the Family were exhorting us to do, for God to make rain come and spoil Barack Obama’s acceptance speech. Any idea why we ended up with sloppy weather instead at the start of our otherwise glorious Republican National Convention preparations? During all this praying, did perhaps someone accidentally say McCain’s name instead of Osama’s…I mean, Obama’s? Maybe that’s what happened, and God got confused. – Ennis Dramamine, Family Valuesville, North Dakota

A: Hmmmm…let’s see…Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. Judge not lest ye be judged. Pray even for those who hate you. Wait on the Lord to judge. (*shuffling noises* Hold on, maybe…wait…yes…no, I was wrong. That passage means something else.)No, near as I can tell, nowhere does the Bible tell you that you are allowed to pray for something nasty to happen to something whom you don’t like, just because you want to be snotty and contrary. Now, I personally think it’s coincidence that the Republican National Convention got slapped with hurricane-induced rains and Barack Obama had perfect weather. Still, you might want to at least consider the fact that this was a case of “you reap what you sow (or try to sow).” In which case you might want to take back some of the other awful, mean-spirited prayers you have sent God’s way, before you get bitch-slapped again. In the future, if you want to lay some hurt down on someone, turn to me. After all, I’m the cold, oily, smooth operator that’s both a vision of pagan idolatry and a damn fine delicious treat as well!

Q: Why did God make the pit of an avocado so big and make the platypus look like it was created from leftover parts during creation? – Bristol-Lynn Spears, Contention, Mississippi.

A: So that idiots like you can comment on how much it shows that God really has a silly side or that God really does make mistakes.

Q: Hummus Idol! You did it! God never came through but you did. All my lack of experience, all the skeletons in my closet and all the family drama, and still the fundamental Christians in the GOP are loving me. And the mainstream press is treating me with kid gloves so far compared to what Barack HUSSEIN Obama got. I think I just had an orgasm. Thank you thank you thank you. What can I do to show my appreciation? – Miss Congeniality, Juneau, Alaska.

A: You already gave me your soul. But it might not hurt to send me a card and maybe a nice fruit basket, too. I would ask you to come over to my place dressed in your sexiest “naughty librarian” attire, but as I lack any kind of sexual anatomy, that would be a waste.