While Deacon Blue does things like help raise his adorable (*retch* the cuteness!) little girl and satisfy his artistic side through fiction…and while his wife, Black Girl In Maine, basks in the glow of being #70 on a top-100 list of mom bloggers while also meeting the needs of the poor and disenfranchised through her job…and Son of Blue expands his mind at college in a philosophy program and makes #6 on a top-10 list at Forbes for best free albums of 2010…I languish in service to the Deacon answering your shitty questions.

And to think, I once held thousands of lost souls in my thrall and feasted on their spiritual misery while laying waste to whole cities when they displeased me.

I was feared and respected. And feared. Even that Yahweh guy got his idea to turn Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt from something I did a few hundred years earlier. Then he went and burned down Sodom, which I had helped to found in the first place.

Fuck my (eternal) life.

I, the great and powerful Hummus Idol, will now entertain your questions and grant unto you the wisdom that only a pile of very angry crushed chickpeas, tahini, olive oil and other seasonings can offer. Don’t let the smiling face fool you. I am a fridge-cold killah. Bow down before me, speak your question, and incline your ears or any other convenient part of your anatomy as I spew my advice upon thee.

Q: Man, Michelle Duggar miscarried what was supposed to be her 20th child? Cool! Maybe this will be the wakeup call that the clown car that is her vagina needs to be junked for good. Don’t you agree? – Kevin Shittheal, Austin, Texas

A: For the love of whatever fucking god you worship, have a little compassion! I mean, I’m an evil muthafukkah to be sure, but even I have my limits. The Duggar family may be out of control batshit crazy and promoting a family model that is unhealthy and unsustainable for folks who aren’t media whores, but they were expecting a child. They were ready and willing to pour love (presumably) into that kid’s life along with the insane media circus to which they subject their children (and us). You don’t kick a person when they’re down; most particularly you don’t kick a woman in the uterus when she’s just miscarried.

I mean, shit! I once possessed a nun so I could go to a Special Olympics event and make retard jokes loudly during the event. You should have seen the faces of the parents and coaches and spectators. Good times. A pity my biting wit and sarcastic jibes went over the heads of all but a few of the competitors.

I once mystically compelled a Jewish boy to fill his pockets with slices of deli ham and slices of bacon, and then caused him to gorge on them in front of his family and the rabbi right after he did his Torah reading and gave his little d’var Torah presentation. Oh, joy! Watching the Orthodox Jews in attendance freak out was so cool, though I didn’t get much or a rise of of the Reform Jews, sadly.

Or there were the times I compelled perfectly healthy, reasonably sane, attractive women to not only marry folks like Hugh Heffner and Larry King in recent years but to actually view those men naked on a regular basis, kiss then and have sex with them.

So, you can see, I’m an evil god indeed. And even I think you’ve gone over the line of good taste.

Q: Dude! Did you or the Deacon see this shit? Did you see this story about it? Or this one? OK, I kind of get they wanted photos of the child Michelle had to deliver after miscarrying, to have in their family memories. Sorta. But what the fuck kind of people hold a full-fledged memorial service for extended family and friends over a miscarriage? More importantly, what family takes a picture of the mom holding the dead fetus in her fingers and puts it on a card? And then distributes copies to all the people at the memorial service? And then, after some family member or friend posts that shit online, who the hell sits around not batting an eyelash and being fine with it? Fucking Duggars, that’s who. Somebody get them some help and get them off the damn air! – Leo P. Chestpuffer III, Cicero, Illinois

A: All righty, then. I may have to withdraw most of what I just said to Kevin up above.

Q: I normally don’t like to invoke your unholy powers, but if I give you a brief vacation, will you please render the Duggars irrelevant like you did with Sarah Palin? – Deacon Blue, New England

A: Deal.

(Image by Stewart Butterfield, who is not affiliated with this blog and who doesn’t even know I or my opinions exist, and used under Creative CommonsAttribution 2.0 License)

(Hummus Idol does not speak as a representative or agent of Deacon Blue or anyone else associated with this blog. In fact, Hummus Idol doesn’t exist. He is wholly and completely a manufactured character that acts as an angry facade behind which Deacon Blue can hide for petty entertainment purposes and for times when he needs to be extra crusty and get shit off his chest. That said, you can feel free to shower the Hummus Idol with offerings of jewelry, money or fine art…he will make sure it goes someplace where it is needed.) View complete list of Humus Idol entries here.