Tag Archives: judgmentalism

Book of Addenduma, Chapter 1, Verses 1-15

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It frequently comes to pass that a psycho extremist well-meaning and devout Christian will share with people, via street corner, Twitter, Facebook, blog, television program, radio program and/or the seat across from you on the bus or subway train…well, that something or another is terribly sinful in the eyes of God or incredibly pleasing in the sight of God (despite being very mean and hurtful to others).

It may occur to you at these times (or to other people whom you respect) to perhaps challenge said individuals to provide evidence from the Bible to support that such things are actually mentioned by God and/or His various agents through the ages, or that they are in line with Jesus’ teachings, or both.

If you do this, or encourage such actions by others, you are clearly a Christian-hating douche and should burn in the fires of Hell. Or perhaps you are a vile and wicked Muslim, who should first be tortured by government officials for simply existing, and then sent to burn in the eternal fires of Hell in that special corner God set aside for Hitler, abortion providers, followers of Islam and the makers of Teletubbies (especially the “gay” one).

I know it’s confusing to you, but what most Christians fail to note when providing such abusive soul-saving advice and guidance is that the pastors, Christian pundits and general whack-jobs…er, self-styled theologians who can’t even read Greek, Latin or Hebrew…um, fervent evangelists who taught them what was sinful and what was good (that doesn’t appear in the regular Bible and are in line with the new covenant set forth by Jesus) comes from a special book.

I mean, you can’t expect them to teach only from the source material that everyone has access to, can you?

Anyway, this special book was discovered by U.S. theologians around the same time politicians conveniently forgot that the Founding Fathers really weren’t all that religious and church-minded and started adding things like “In God We Trust” to the money and “Under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance in the 1940s and 1950s.

This book, I am happy to reveal to you hellbound heathens, is the book of the prophet Addenduma, who was provided with revelation from God in the year 56 A.D. and was aided by his trusty apprentice prophet Miscellanephat and their alien canine sidekick Randomog.

I will share excerpts from this holy example of God’s WordTM from time to time. For now, just a little bit from Chapter 1, verses 1 through 15:

1: Lo, for the words herein written by Addenduma are true and correct, for he is pleasing in Mine eyes and certainly not drunk on new wine (nor the old in broken bottles) and he hath neither lain with Miscellanephat nor known Randomog in the manner a man should know a woman after proper courtship and transfer of ownership from her father.

2: Indeed, Addenduma may hath lain once or twice with Miscellanephat and Randomog but that is not unpleasing in my sight for he said he was very, very wroth with himself and abased himself before Me and reminded Me that I had overlookethed the liaisons between David and Jonathan.

3: And forsooth, verily and huzzah! (or perhaps Yahoo!), as we are on the topic of congress, or knowing, or getting busy, or doing the horizontal hora, let it be known that a man should not lie down with another man, unless the man being laid with looks convincingly like a woman and his/her clothes were already off by the time the layor discovered a penis hanging from him…or her…or, whatever.

4: There is no particular reason for this. For I the Lord simply find it aesthetically unpleasing, though I have naught to say about woman-on-woman for it is very pretty in the sight of men.

5: About those women. Thou shalt not lie with a woman during her time of issue with blood nor shalt though even think of having sex with her during that time even though it is a necessary and harmless biological function and I often make her pillows of small soft pleasure ‘twixt her thighs rumble with pleasure during this time and ignite her desires. Thou shalt not do this because it is icky in my sight, though you no longer have to make her stay outside your home when Aunt Flow visits.

6: Speaking of sex, and the holy aftereffects thereof when you abstain from contraception, as I have commanded, you may not abort any pregnancy at any stage after conception for any reason. This is because I give souls to every collection of cells that stands a strong chance of going nowhere developmentally speaking and has nothing resembling human neurological function.

7: Oh, I never mentioned anything about not using contraception? My bad. That was supposed to be in Leviticus. Thou shalt not use contraception. I also waste my time putting souls in every sperm and every ovum because I’m inefficient that way.

8: Thou shalt not make note of the fact that most sperms and ova are never used and your body will shed them or consume them. Also, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

9: And no, thou mayest not pleasure thyself with thy hand or any foreign object, for I hate masturbation, even though it is never really mentioned in the Bible at all. Why? Do you want me to turn you into a pillar of salt or kill the first-born of your family? If you need a reason, see verse 7, you heathen.

10: Porn is evil. Even when it involves fully consenting adults in a safe and non-abusive environment and doesn’t degrade women. Unless the producers tithe 10% of the gross revenues post-production to Me.

11: Sex is evil. Even with your spouse. Unless you are trying to have children. I only made sex feel good to trip you up and send more of you to Hell. It’s getting crowded up here in Heaven and I really do not likest most of thou. Or thee. Or y’all. Or whatever.

12: Ignore any anachronisms in the Book of Addenduma. My beloved prophet’s mind sometimes travels to the future to gather the holy guidance he needs to put My will to these parchments, which may not stand up to the scrutiny of carbon dating, for carbon dating is a tool of Satan and his minions the evolutionists.

13: Free-market laissez-faire capitalism practiced within a non-inclusive, non-representative pseudo-democracy must be your way, for it is My way, and it’s My way or the Gehenna highway.

14: Thou shalt not gather in protest of the 1% who hold the majority of the wealth and withhold it from 99% of the population, for I the LORD never told you when the meek would inherit the Earth. But not now. Certainly not yet. Soon, though. Maybe.

15: Thou shalt only vote for the Republican Party in the United States, and suitably similar parties in other nations, for the Democrats are of less pleasing character to Me than the scum on your shoe after stepping on a diseased slug that was having sex with an earthworm on your rain-soaked driveway right in the middle of a puddle of oil and antifreeze.

Two-fer Tuesday: Blindness by Deacon Blue

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Blindness is an all-too-common ailment in this world. And no, I don’t mean vision impairment. I don’t mean literally blindess. I mean the way we blind ourselves to suffering, blind ourselves to truth and blind ourselves to good paths that present themselves to us and that we ignore in favor of what feels better but is ultimately emptier.

More importantly, perhaps—and I harp on this because I so dislike hypocrisy, in myself or others—we blind ourselves to our personal failings and the blatant contradictions we foist on those around us. The lies about our motivations and the judgments we make of others while letting ourselves off the hook every time.

In politics and social commentary, I’ve watched left-wing folks cry that characters in movies or words that are part of our daily language are demeaning. (Really, are any gypsies really bitching that the phrase “to gyp” paints them as a thieving ethnic group? Does the “full retard” schpiel in Tropic Thunder really insult people with developmental disabilities? Must people who can’t walk or otherwise have a physical disability be called “differently” abled?). I’ve seen them cry that we must stop using such words and we must call for an end to such things in media. We must purge bad words and bad habits (like drinking and drug use) from all movies so that we don’t poison the minds of the young.

…Right after they’ve talked about the need for freedom of speech.

On the right-wing side, I see people crying out that Barack Obama will make us a socialist nation, stipping away our rights and our property and making us into mindless automatons that serve the state…all while ignoring the GOP’s handouts to the rich and to industries for so many years. While ignoring the fact that people in the armed forces have been forced to remain in service past their agreed-upon time and been forced to do longer tours of duty than they should. They’re fine with an authoritarian state, as long as the privileged and rich are calling the shots and the middle class, working class and poor mind their places.

Recently, right in my own backyard, a preacher is crying out that he’s been wronged, and his ministry taken from him. No matter that he was doing some sketchy things and engaging in shady behavior. No, he cries that he was wronged, and that he must pray for the strength to forgive. And as the same time he is doing this, he is calling out all of his “oppressors” for their sins and failings. Publicly. He is saying he’s being judged, though no one has said publicly why he was stripped of his duties, and then he goes and judges others while saying he will pray for the ability to forgive.

Sorry, God doesn’t give us the power to forgive. We are required to do that ourselves. It’s part of what God expects of us if we want the same kind of treatment from Him. If you are striking down people while praying for the ability to forgive, then you don’t want to forgive. Simple as that.

I’ve been guilty of defending behaviors that I engage in and I’m not sure I should be. I try to keep a balance of rational vs. spiritual and I try to maintain a balance between what I want and what is right, but I’ve been guilty of veering to one side or the other. When I do, I try to correct my position. I don’t stubbornly stick to the notion that I am right and everyone else is wrong.

We shouldn’t choose blindness. Because to be perfectly honest, even when we don’t like what we see, it’s better to go through life (temporally or spiritually) with our eyes wide open.

Of Two Minds

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dual-personality-cyberAs I’ve noted before, the heated nature of this political season has caused me to have some disagreements (mostly polite, I think) with fellow Christian bloggers at times regarding what I see as blantant hypocrisy (at worst) or a simple blindness to one’s own prejudices (at best).

The latest post to fire me up a little about this issue, titled “Post Election Response,” is at Evangelicals Anonymous, and you can click here to view it.

I would be less bothered by people calling upon fellow Christians to take a bold stand in political circles for Christian principles if it weren’t for a couple things:

  • Most politicians, even those who publicly profess their Christianity, aren’t carrying out their jobs by Christian principles any more than secular politicians, from what I see, except on very specific touchpoint issues like abortion or gay marriage.
  • Our nation is pluralistic and our government is secular, so picking politicians who promote Christian-specific doctrine doesn’t make sense to me.

What truly pisses me off when fundemantalist Christians call for taking a firm stand (and taking sides in politics along religious lines) is that they don’t acknowledge that they are picking the lesser of two evils in many cases, just as I often do. It’s just that they are picking their candidate based on biblical issues that cut closer to their hearts. The notion that Obama is probably an evil man lifted up by God to this position for a specific purpose (as Recovering at Evangelicals Anonymous seems to me to be saying in the post I link to above), and criticizing Christians like me by suggesting that we have sided with evil or are actually secular progressives in disguise…well, it bothers me. A hell of a lot.

I know that I have hypocrisy in my own life. I know there are areas in which my personal beliefs conflict with my Christian ones. For example, I don’t like abortion, but I also don’t believe it is my place to restrict a woman’s right to choose. I don’t think God particularly wants us to be in homosexual relationships, but I will not put same-sex couples into some special sin category, nor do I see the point in fighting against same-sex marriage. But why do so many on the right-leaning side of Christianity refuse to acknowledge their own dual-minded natures?

For example, why decry efforts toward universal healthcare or a tax system that expects those who make more to contribute more as socialism and say that it’s going to destroy our nation’s political, moral and social structure? Didn’t Jesus and his followers call for selling what they had and helping the poor, the widowed and the sick? Wasn’t their lifestyle promoting elements of socialism and even communism? And Jesus didn’t call for the government to outlaw things he found distasteful (gambling, prostitution, lying, etc.) but instead hung out with and reached out to people with lifetstyles he disagreed with, purely on a personal, one-to-one-basis.

And yet, these are the people who say they want government to step back and go away and get out of their business because it’s “socialism” or it’s “liberal overtolerance.” Candidates are to be reviled for not advocating the outlaw or sharp restriction of abortion or for proposing that the government should tighten up environmental regulations (instead of, I guess, just assuming that God wants us to waste and misuse his planet right up until the End Times). The right-leaning Christians want politicians to step forward on outlawing gay marriage or imposing religious standards on when life begins, but they want government to step away the moment it moves toward social issues that Jesus himself advocated, like helping the poor. Most of what Jesus did was about helping the poor and downtrodden, and yet somehow our government is supposed to drop those people from its radar and let them fend for themselves or hope that we Christians will pick up the slack (which we pretty much don’t do).

It’s somehow government’s job to uphold the biblical value they hold dear, and to avoid those that others hold dear.

Again, I’m not saying I’m perfect. I am filled with contradictions and conflicts. But I try to admit them and I try to see why others feel the way they do. It distresses me when I don’t get the same consideration from the other side in so many cases. Instead of saying, “I understand where you’re coming from,” I more often get what seems to me to be a thinly veiled (or not veiled at all): “You are going against the word of God and you have failed Jesus.”

Almost all of us who are born again pick and choose what parts of God’s Word we will champion and what we won’t. What irritates me is when someone on one side or the other claims that they know which ones God considers most important and then tells the other side they are wrong, wrong, wrong.

I may think you’re wrong, but I’ll rarely suggest that you are an idiot for being that way, and you’ll almost never see me suggest that you’re against Jesus because you disagree with me or, worse yet, that you are supporting Satan’s plans.

*Sigh*