I only just got over Aphrodite dumping me for that cat-goddess Bast. I only just mended fences with the Norse pantheon after laying waste to the borders of their realm.
And now, I get a visit from Mama Baba Ghanoush, who is the eggplant-based dipping delicacy equivalent to my chickpea-based one. We were married for centuries until that falling out over whether to enslave mortals or empower them (I’m all for total subjugation, of course, much like the neo-conservatives of your United States). We split up before we got around to making any godlings, and it’s one of the only regrets of my life (I’d even welcome a bean dip-based god-child to carry on my legacy at this point, though a Guacamole god or French Onion dip god would be my preference). She says she just wants to make sure I’m OK because she hears I’ve been hitting the nectar of the gods pretty heavily these days…yadda yadda yadda.
Females. Can’t live with ’em, can’t exile them to the nether realms when you’re done with ’em.
I, the great and powerful Hummus Idol, will now entertain your questions and grant unto you the wisdom that only a pile of very angry crushed chickpeas, tahini, olive oil and other seasonings can offer. Don’t let the smiling face fool you. I am a fridge-cold killah. Bow down before me, speak your question, and incline your ears or any other convenient part of your anatomy as I spew my advice upon thee.
Q: I’m concerned about the state of this country, and where Barack Obama will lead it. Abortions will be handed out free to every woman who wants one, those who don’t want one will be forced to get them to control the population, Christians will be silenced, the Pledge of Allegiance will be eliminated, Feminazis will take over and Eco-terrorists will rule. Also, I’m kind of worried about my future. Do I still have one? – The Voice of the Conservative Movement
A: First off, “Voice of the Conservative Movement”? Really? I know it’s you, Rush Limbaugh. The only movement you’re qualified to lead—with your anti-intellectual raving partisan madness—is a really good bowel movement. Might flush some of those prescription drugs you abuse out of your system, too. I mean, you’re a worse ideological celebrity hack than the duo of Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (or Richard Gere in his heyday) over on the left-hand side of the aisle, and they make me want to spew mashed chickpeas.
But to answer your question: Yes, your time is over. Or rather, it’s time for you to be marginalized. The left wing gets its turn now. You had your free ride for at least the past eight years. Sit your gargantuan ass down and make room for someone else. MSNBC is the new FOX News, for better or worse. And you’re at least as big an idiot as George W. Bush, so you should be happy you have gainful employment at all. Frankly, I’d rather people like you were in power, because idiot right-wing nutjobs factor into my devious plans very nicely. And the stupider ones, like anyone who actually believes FOX News is “fair and balanced,” are easier to control. Those damned left-wingers, even the idiot ones, are too secular for me to get my meathooks into them. It’s kind of hard to get someone to sell their soul to me when they aren’t even sure they believe they have one.
Q: Hummus Idol, you know that I oppose you with my powers as the spiritual head of the Church of O and 75% of all American women, but I regretably admit that I need your help. I am very bothered that Sarah Palin is snubbing my show. I said I would be happy to talk to her when the election was over…I went and tried to talk to her and instead she talked to Greta Van Susteren. She talked to Matt Lauer. She talked to Larry King. But she didn’t talk to me. What’s up with that and what can you do about it? You still own her soul, and I’m willing to hand over one of my minions to you in a blood offering to get Sarah on my show. – Her Exalted O-ness, Chicago, Illinois
A: Oprah, Oprah, Oprah. *sigh* You think you have true power with your secular, media-worshipping, semi-feminist, consumerism-glorifying, pop-psychology brand of “spirituality”? You only have real power over Stedman, your staff, and unsuspecting all-you-can-eat buffet operations. After continuing to illustrate her balls-out stupidity to America instead of hunkering down in Alaska to regroup (I loved the on-camera interview she conducted just before Thanksgiving, with a guy bloodily slaughtering not one but two turkeys in the background), Sarah is actually showing some intelligence for once by shunning you. Still, I remain angry at her for betraying me recently, so give me details on who you’re sacrificing to me, to make sure you aren’t wasting my time, and I’ll get her to appear on your show.
Q: I stand ready to serve you, my lord and master, and to lead souls to you. On this year’s solstice on Sunday, at midnight, I shall lay totally naked on a river-worn boulder in the woods of wintery Vermont and perform an animal sacrifice to summon you to me and mark me as your high priestess. All worship the Hummus Idol! – Your Biggest Worshipper
A: Dear merciless entropy! I had one of my sniveling goblin slaves do some IP hunting and pingbacks and whatever else IT folks have to do, and I realized you’re the same woman who posted here as Cynthia Felize and here as Going Pagan Just Wasn’t Good Enough. Stop stalking me, you wench! I am most disturbed by the fact you first posted from California and then from Kansas, and now you’re talking about Vermont, meaning you’ve been moving eastward and must have somehow discovered where I am by tracking Deacon Blue. Stay away from me! If you successfully summon my avatar to your ritual and force me to view what I presume to be your pockmarked ass, pimply back, unshaven legs and…ohhh, I don’t even want to imagine your coochie…it will not go well for you. Find some new spiritual entity to hound.
Q: My big brother says Santa Claus isnt real. Is he telling the truth? – Jimmy Fleaboggle, 3rd grader, Carl Jeebus Elementary School, Topeka, Kansas
A: Yes, Jimmy, there really is a Santa Claus. And if he doesn’t like the kind of cookies you leave out for him with the milk, he will slaughter your entire family in their sleep and take you to the North Pole to work in his toy-making sweatshop.
Q: Are you the one who got those shoes thrown at my head at that press conference in Iraq? – President George W. Bush
A: Thought it was funny as hell, but no, I can’t take credit for it. I thought Baalzebub might have had something to do with it, since you actually refused to sell your soul to him even after he offered you the trifecta of widsom, intelligence and good leadership abilities for it. Turns out he didn’t have a hand in it, either. You just seem to have hit rock bottom with your legacy all by your lonesome. Kind of like when you hit rock bottom with the alcohol and drugs and decided to sober up. Except when that happened, of course, you didn’t take a whole nation down with you. Also, unlike with the booze and coke, you don’t seem to have actually noticed that you’ve hit bottom yet.
Q: Um, why is Barack Obama picking all these connected and well-entrenched folks for his Cabinet and such? I thought he was going to bring us change. – A Disappointed Progressive Liberal Change-Desiring Voter
A: Because he’s a politician. Not a messiah. Not a saint. Not change personified. Get over it. No one runs for president of the United States without wanting power, prestige and/or an ego stroke. He already gave you change by getting elected. But he’ll probably actually work toward trying to do some good, which is why I intend to continue opposing him with all of my evil tahini-golem minions.
(Hummus Idol does not speak as a representative or agent of Deacon Blue or anyone else associated with this blog. In fact, Hummus Idol doesn’t exist. He is wholly and completely a manufactured character that acts as an angry facade behind which Deacon Blue can hide for petty entertainment purposes and for times when he needs to be extra crusty and get shit off his chest. That said, you can feel free to shower the Hummus Idol with offerings of jewelry, money or fine art…he will make sure it goes someplace where it is needed.) View complete list of Humus Idol entries here.