By any definition of the normal rules of engagement around here, I’m overdue to talk about sexual stuff. Miz Pink hijacked my sex-themed schedule with her May 2 post and I haven’t touched anything sexual…I mean, I haven’t covered a sexual topic…myself since April 24. So with more than 10 days since Miz Pink posted and well over two weeks since I have, clearly, I’m not living up to the one-debauched-excursion-a-week rule I set for myself. I’m surprised Sister Mary Malcontent hasn’t already arrived on my doorstep to punish me over that.

So, let me do something special to you…I mean, for you…and steer off my married relations stuff for once. Most of y’all know by now that I don’t think fornication is cool and also that I’ve been guilty of it. Not as often as I would have liked when I was still a young man, but I did it often enough it was a lifestyle decision. So, why not be helpful to all you unmarried folks out there and give you my take on what’s OK for you to engage in…or what might be? You know, instead of just telling you what married folks can do and reminding your “please don’t do the nasty until you put wedding rings on those fingers.”

Even the most sports-deficient person knows that baseball metaphors are the typical way of making analogies for the degree and intensity of sexual exposure you’ve managed to achieve in a date (or in a drunken encounter in the dorm or a random tryst with a sexual addict in the the alley or an empty-office-encounter with the receptionist during the company Christmas party). To whit:

1. First base is the act of making out, which would generally involve French kissing, licking necks, leaving hickies, sucking earlobes, using the tongue as a Q-tip substitute, etc.
2. Second base is the direct fondling, groping or kissing of “special” parts that aren’t by definition actual sexual organs, such as the breast or ass cheeks, or even the stimulation of the other person’s genitals through the clothing. Dry humps would also qualify here, I think, since the clothes stay on. A foot massage is either first base or, more likely, still being in the dugout; but sucking toes definitely puts you into second-base territory.
3. Third base would be the mutual masturbation stuff: fingering a woman (or man, since the anus counts as a finger-friendly destination), giving a guy a handjob, engaging in oral sex, getting off between a woman’s breasts, footjobs, etc.
4. Going all the way (aka “coming home”) is full-on sexual intercourse.

To be honest, I don’t know where to put the act of jacking off in front of each other. I guess if you keep the fluids to yourself and don’t touch each other while you’re doing it, that’s second base…and third base otherwise. As we’ll see tomorrow, I’m really confused where to place anal sex. I mean, I know where the parts need to be placed, I just don’t know whether it’s third base or a home run.

So, we’ll do this over a couple days, and I’ll just go with the first two bases today. Yup, two sexual posts in a row to make up for lost time. I can hear the steam whistling out from Pat Robertson’s ears as I write this. (Even though I’m including a link to the man’s Web site, that’s just for your own educational purposes. I personally think he’s more than a little loony and extreme. He looks like such a nice guy on his homepage, though, doesn’t he?)

So, is first base OK?

Damn, if we can’t get physical somehow while dating, we’re never going to know if we’ve got something going. Hell, yes, first base is OK for the Christian crowd. Yeah, I know, in the really old days, I’m sure everyone was very chaste and never even kissed with closed mouths until after the wedding day (except for the encounters the guys had with the prostitutes when they were bachelors, of course). But when you’re doing arranged marriages and shit, it’s kind of hard for a couple to get time together for that kind of thing, and chances are, they didn’t even know each other well enough to want to. But in the modern day and age, we tend to marry out of love (or really intense lust) and not because of convenience or the need to forge a legacy between two families or whatever else.

So, we need first base. Hell, if you don’t hit first base by the time you get to the end of the second date, well, that probably says something. Either one or both people are way too shy, or there is no chemistry. And I am fully onboard for you to relieve any sexual energies generated during first-base action with some self-relief back at home.

Now, what about second base?

Well, as you can guess, the closer we get to home plate, the more squidgy I’m going to be about endorsing it. But generally speaking, I don’t think that second-base action really crosses the line into true sexual relations. Even with the dry humping thing, you haven’t penetrated anyone, you haven’t shared any special sauce, and the major thing that really sets it aside from a nice masturbation session in your own bed is the fact you may need some dry cleaning services for your clothes really soon.

So, there you have it. Deacon Blue approves everything up to second base. See you tomorrow to talk about the messier (and, honestly, more fun) activities. The Pope would have fits over my endorsements, but the man thinks birth control is sinful, so what the hell does he know?

Please try to keep your clothes on until tomorrow, all you unmarried and horny cats out there…you still don’t know where I stand on third base. Or how often (and you won’t ever know that second factoid).