Tag Archives: sex

That’s truly beastly

OK, my sex-related post a couple days ago went over some kind of line (or maybe multiple lines), so I pulled it on the advice of Quality Control Director Mrs. Blue (for those who wondered from my A Woman’s Place post whether my wife holds a strong position in the family, that should clear up your confusion right there; she also controls the checkbook, by the way). But it’s still about time for another sex post, so here goes. This one has major icky overtones, but I like to think Mrs. Blue will let it pass because in this case, I’m telling you about something that is a huge “don’t go there” kind of activity. I mean, seriously, don’t touch this crap with a ten-foot pole kind of sex.

Bestiality.

Do not, I repeat, do not have any sexual contact with animals. I’ll back up my shit in a moment, but let me repeat.

Don’t do it.

In fact, don’t even look at porn related to it. Because if you’re looking at that kind of thing out of anything more than a passing morbid curiosity about what the hell it looks like, you probably want to do it (see brown and tan alert levels in this post, please). If you’re feeding any kind of desire or sexual release with the use of images of people-and-animals sex, you have already crossed a line. Don’t add any more fuel to the fire. Do not try to imagine if you can recreate that urban legend about Richard Gere and the gerbils. Don’t. Step away from the shit now. Get professional help and pray for release from this sin as soon as you can. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest help for your affliction.

OK, I know I was subtle there, but I hope you got the point.

First off, let’s not even put bestiality in any kind of similar class to things like fornication or homosexual sex, and for one very key reason: Those other sexual acts involve consenting adults. You may be sinning, but at least you’re in agreement with the other person that you want to sin. It’s a choice. God gave us free will, and we sometimes don’t use it the way we should.

Animals, however, have a notoriously poor record of being able to give informed consent. I don’t care how much you think an animal might be into you; the fact is, you’re the more evolved creature, you know better, and the animal isn’t capable of making a proper decision about whether to engage in sexual relations with a human. Animals act on instinct. You have intellect and emotion. Much like a manager having sex with a subordinate under his or her supervision, it is just wrong. The balance of power is too skewed and you are exerting yourself on an innocent creature in a nasty form of abuse. The only sexual sins worse than bestiality, as far as I’m concerned, are sexual contact with kids and rape, which are not only sins, but are just plain evil. It is abuse of one of basest sorts. It demeans your victim and your own soul and violates so many other things in addition to God’s law. Bestiality may not be as pointedly and clearly evil as child sexual abuse, but it sure is sick, and it sits pretty closely to the border of true evil.

Second point against bestiality: God didn’t address sex with animals as much as other sexual sins in the Bible, but it got addressed in a particularly pointed way in one place (Leviticus chapter 18, verses 22-23):

You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination. Also you shall not have intercourse with any animal to be defiled with it, nor shall any woman stand before an animal to mate with it; it is a perversion.

Generally, when we’re told what we are supposed to do (or not do) in the Word of God, the masculine pronoun is used, with the understanding that in almost all cases, it applies equally to women. But here, just to drive the point home, God wants us to know that men shouldn’t have intimate relations with animals and women shouldn’t have such relations either. He only bothers to mention men with same-sex relations, but He repeats the warning about animals for both genders. Just in case there is any confusion, God made sure to let you know that no one is to lie down with animals in that way.

This kind of sex is so wrong on so many levels that I am not about to give it any wiggle room whatsoever. You’re violating human laws, you’re violating God’s laws, you’re going against basic human nature. You’re even forcing an animal to go against its nature.

Just say no. And if you can’t say no, find someone who cares about you to drag you to someone who can help you, be it a priest, pastor, therapist, hypnotist, a government-trained ex-CIA brainwasher or all of the above.

(For those who care, I found the T-Shirt image at a site called www.newworldordertshirts.com)

Covering the bases, part 2

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All right, we covered first and second base yesterday, with me giving ringing endorsements for Christians to head to first and a pretty strong endorsement for stealing second base if possible at some point in a premarital relationship. Before I cover third base and home plate, though, a quick caveat about second base.

It’s true that I don’t consider it intercourse when you’re doing things like sucking a nipple or letting your kisses drift south of the neck but still staying north of the waistband. I don’t even qualify a “dry hump” as intercourse because the clothing barrier has not been compromised. But even so, it’s a form of gateway intimacy, shall we say? Sure, I think it’s bullcrap when we talk about gateway drugs—hell, I’ve known an awful lot of potheads and I’ve yet to meet one who really has ambitions to do anything but pot, except for a bare handful who do the occasional party once a decade when they score blow or the odd trip with some mushrooms once in a while. When it comes to drugs, people tend to be loyal to their original brand. But with sex, oh, that’s another matter.

It’s relatively easy to keep your wits about you when you stick to necking. But the moment your hands start drifting into bra cups or clothing starts to get unbuttoned, the momentum can be hard to stop. I’m not saying don’t go to second base; I’m just saying that a lot of folks, even with the intention of not having premarital sex, have a hard time not sprinting from second to third and then on to home plate.

So, on to the X-rated bases. How does the Deacon feel about third base, when people are actually handling the goods with hands or mouth or other non-procreative pieces of anatomy?

On the one hand, is it really fornication? I mean, the sexual act at its core is about both intimacy and the potential to create children, so things like oral sex wouldn’t seem to be complete enough sex acts to be fornication. A friend of mine once advised me in college that the gentlemanly thing to do by the first or second date was to be a cunning linguist with the object of your attraction without expecting anything in return (though not refusing return favors either). I took that advice to heart myself, making oral sex a sort of “ultimate kiss” to show I really cared.

On the other hand, if your sexual partner or spouse was sucking another person’s dick or licking someone else’s vagina, wouldn’t you see that as cheating? Certainly, if a married person could claim adultery because of oral sex, that would make it fornication, right?

Plus, there’s the nagging Webster’s definition that says fornication is consensual sexual intercourse between two unmarried people. And sexual intercourse, in turn, Webster tells us, can be either penetration of the Kitty by the Snake or other forms of sexual activity like oral sex, which don’t involve Tab A going into Slot B.

Folks, I think we have to admit to the fact that oral sex, at least, is sexual intercourse. Anal sex, too, most likely, though I’m frankly not all that sure whether anal falls into third-base or home plate territory. I feel a pull toward the latter, but then I wonder, is it all that different whether it’s a mouth or an ass? And so, for the moment, I will tentatively leave the home run as only the penis and vagina finally getting to know one another. So, if you’ve gone there (mouth-to-privates or privates-to-buttocks), you should probably assume you’ve crossed a line into premarital sex even though you haven’t made it to home plate yet. I mean, tasting someone else’s privates is pretty personal. And that back door ain’t nothing casual either.

That being said, I personally find my most spiritually and emotionally intimate sexual contact to be in the act of privates-to-privates sex. So perhaps that’s a sign that traditional intercourse is the only true way you can fornicate because that’s the sacred thing that married folks are supposed to share. Even so, it’s not enough of a sign for me to sign off comfortably on oral or anal being non-fornicative (is that even a word?) actions.

OK, running back to third base for a moment (no doubt because the catcher is chasing me to tag me out, or maybe because I’m really disorganized in my writing today) after getting sidetracked by home plate, I really can’t look at handjobs, footjobs, titjobs and the like as sexual intercourse. I just can’t. It’s sexual, no doubt. But I see it as just masturbation with help from a second party. It’s serious, sure, but fornication? Nah, I don’t see it.

And now, to get to our last area officially, instead of as a side note: Home plate.

I don’t think I need to go into that in any detail, do I? Between this post and the previous post and other posts in the past, I’ve made it clear that that’s a no-no before marriage. Granted, it’s a no-no that most Christians have (or will) say “yes, yes” to—and very emphatically I’m sure. There are certain sins we just don’t shy away from. Murder is pretty easy to pass on. Sex with animals, too, is pretty easy to avoid. But much like gossip, lies, disrespecting our parents and so many others, sex just is too easy (and also too nice) for most of us to pass up.

So, I simply tell you to tell you: Half of third base activity (at least) is likely a big “no” in God’s plan for the unmarried, and home plate is off limits to them, too—officially speaking. Do I really expect very many people to stick to first and second base? Not really. But here’s my advice, if you haven’t already crossed that line in your life:

If you can, and I mean this sincerely as someone who’s been there and kinda wishes he had done it differently—if the two of you can hold out until marriage before you break out the serious stuff, I think you may find that you will have a very special gift to give each other after you’ve traded vows. There are so many other ways to give each other pleasure before then that I think you owe it to yourself to at least consider saving actual intercourse for marriage.

You won’t just make God happy. If you truly love each other and stay the course in your life with each other, I think it will make you and your spouse pretty fucking happy, too, in the end.

Covering the bases, part 1

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By any definition of the normal rules of engagement around here, I’m overdue to talk about sexual stuff. Miz Pink hijacked my sex-themed schedule with her May 2 post and I haven’t touched anything sexual…I mean, I haven’t covered a sexual topic…myself since April 24. So with more than 10 days since Miz Pink posted and well over two weeks since I have, clearly, I’m not living up to the one-debauched-excursion-a-week rule I set for myself. I’m surprised Sister Mary Malcontent hasn’t already arrived on my doorstep to punish me over that.

So, let me do something special to you…I mean, for you…and steer off my married relations stuff for once. Most of y’all know by now that I don’t think fornication is cool and also that I’ve been guilty of it. Not as often as I would have liked when I was still a young man, but I did it often enough it was a lifestyle decision. So, why not be helpful to all you unmarried folks out there and give you my take on what’s OK for you to engage in…or what might be? You know, instead of just telling you what married folks can do and reminding your “please don’t do the nasty until you put wedding rings on those fingers.”

Even the most sports-deficient person knows that baseball metaphors are the typical way of making analogies for the degree and intensity of sexual exposure you’ve managed to achieve in a date (or in a drunken encounter in the dorm or a random tryst with a sexual addict in the the alley or an empty-office-encounter with the receptionist during the company Christmas party). To whit:

First base is the act of making out, which would generally involve French kissing, licking necks, leaving hickies, sucking earlobes, using the tongue as a Q-tip substitute, etc.
Second base is the direct fondling, groping or kissing of “special” parts that aren’t by definition actual sexual organs, such as the breast or ass cheeks, or even the stimulation of the other person’s genitals through the clothing. Dry humps would also qualify here, I think, since the clothes stay on. A foot massage is either first base or, more likely, still being in the dugout; but sucking toes definitely puts you into second-base territory.
Third base would be the mutual masturbation stuff: fingering a woman (or man, since the anus counts as a finger-friendly destination), giving a guy a handjob, engaging in oral sex, getting off between a woman’s breasts, footjobs, etc.
Going all the way (aka “coming home”) is full-on sexual intercourse.

To be honest, I don’t know where to put the act of jacking off in front of each other. I guess if you keep the fluids to yourself and don’t touch each other while you’re doing it, that’s second base…and third base otherwise. As we’ll see tomorrow, I’m really confused where to place anal sex. I mean, I know where the parts need to be placed, I just don’t know whether it’s third base or a home run.

So, we’ll do this over a couple days, and I’ll just go with the first two bases today. Yup, two sexual posts in a row to make up for lost time. I can hear the steam whistling out from Pat Robertson’s ears as I write this. (Even though I’m including a link to the man’s Web site, that’s just for your own educational purposes. I personally think he’s more than a little loony and extreme. He looks like such a nice guy on his homepage, though, doesn’t he?)

So, is first base OK?

Damn, if we can’t get physical somehow while dating, we’re never going to know if we’ve got something going. Hell, yes, first base is OK for the Christian crowd. Yeah, I know, in the really old days, I’m sure everyone was very chaste and never even kissed with closed mouths until after the wedding day (except for the encounters the guys had with the prostitutes when they were bachelors, of course). But when you’re doing arranged marriages and shit, it’s kind of hard for a couple to get time together for that kind of thing, and chances are, they didn’t even know each other well enough to want to. But in the modern day and age, we tend to marry out of love (or really intense lust) and not because of convenience or the need to forge a legacy between two families or whatever else.

So, we need first base. Hell, if you don’t hit first base by the time you get to the end of the second date, well, that probably says something. Either one or both people are way too shy, or there is no chemistry. And I am fully onboard for you to relieve any sexual energies generated during first-base action with some self-relief back at home.

Now, what about second base?

Well, as you can guess, the closer we get to home plate, the more squidgy I’m going to be about endorsing it. But generally speaking, I don’t think that second-base action really crosses the line into true sexual relations. Even with the dry humping thing, you haven’t penetrated anyone, you haven’t shared any special sauce, and the major thing that really sets it aside from a nice masturbation session in your own bed is the fact you may need some dry cleaning services for your clothes really soon.

So, there you have it. Deacon Blue approves everything up to second base. See you tomorrow to talk about the messier (and, honestly, more fun) activities. The Pope would have fits over my endorsements, but the man thinks birth control is sinful, so what the hell does he know?

Please try to keep your clothes on until tomorrow, all you unmarried and horny cats out there…you still don’t know where I stand on third base. Or how often (and you won’t ever know that second factoid).

Married sex rules by Miz Pink

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I’m tired of Deke being the one who always talks about the juicy stuff that goes down when the lights are low and the door is closed and the kids are in bed for the night. Or when the sun is high in the sky and they’re napping or at daycare and you’re playing hooky from work. I’m feeling like I wanna be a little randy today. So, let’s talk about today’s topic: Married sex rules.

Married sex does rule, by the way, but what I really mean by that title is that I wanna lay out some rules of conduct. Like a marital sex bill of rights maybe. Christian couple don’t have to just have missionary style sex and do it only to make babies. Lord knows Deke has told you all about that often enough. But I think some basic rule of conduct on the field can keep us men and women from getting too snarky with each other as the years of marriage grind on.

I’ve done some extensive research on this to make sure I get both the man’s side and woman’s side just right. In other words, I talked to a few of my girlfriends and asked my husband a few questions too. Can’t get more scientific than that, huh? So my results and advice should be accurate plus or minus 50 percentage points. But even if all of this is a little tongue in cheek, I really do believe in the rules below. Hopefully the hubby does too and if not, well, I still have a couple decades or so left to get him properly trained.

Rules for Men

As your loving husband who doesn’t want to have to hire a lawyer one day to determine who will get to have the ugly abstract painting in the living room and all of the good silverware, I pledge to you, my wife…

Not only will I keep my member in my pants at all times when not engaging in sex with you or engaging in bathroom related duties or getting a physical from a doctor but I also will not get more emotionally involved with some other chick than I do with you and I won’t let my lips or any other special but technically non-sexual parts get involved with any female friends’ similar parts. No matter how drunk I get at the company party.
I will not keep or seek out any truly deviant pornography or let “normal” pornography distract me from making you hot and/or emotionally fulfilled (see Porn Again post here for guidance on what porn behavior to avoid). Whatever porn I do have I will keep in a discreet and safe part of my computer or hidden deep in a closet somewhere so that it’s not up in your face making you wonder if you measure up to my fantasies. But if you express an interest in seeing what porn I like, I will let you view it immediately and without question.
I will make it a point to frequently give you pleasure without expecting any goodies in return. Not only do I realize this will build me a lot of goodwill, but I recognize that I’m probably whacking off way more than you ever do and the least I can do is give you an “oral dissertation” at least once a week without being asked. As a corrolary to this, I will make sure to engage in foreplay before sex, realizing that this doesn’t just mean giving you a sloppy kiss and pinching one of your nipples.
I will cuddle you after sex. Always. I will also cuddle you often when no sex has occured because I understand that you have feelings and often think I’m a barbarian who only knows how to fart and belch.

Rules for Women

As your devoted wife who doesn’t want to start from scratch with some other guy someday and doesn’t just want to see you on weekends as you pick up or drop off the kids, I pledge to you, my husband…

I won’t share every single intimate detail of our sex lives with my girlfriends and compare notes with them about whether you’re being all that you could be romantically and/or sexually. I reserve the right to talk to my mom about sexual stuff if we’re in a funk though, but I will refrain from giving her too many details.
I will not get bent out of shape if you have pornography as long as it’s not getting in the way and I will do my best to actually work it into our sex life if you want and if it doesn’t weird me out too much. Just make sure the kids don’t ever find it. I will remember that you married me because you love and desire me and not assume that you want me to be what you see on the pages or in the videos.
Even if I’m not in the mood for the full monty in bed, I will make sure that I spend 10 minutes or so to meet your needs without taking my clothes off when you’re really horny. I know you men are horndogs and need it more than we generally do and giving you a little something special when I can’t give you exactly what you want will help keep you happy while probably also ensuring that you’ll bathe the kids and take out the trash with a smile on your face for several days.
I will remember that you are, as a guy, a very visual creature and so I won’t complain that you sometimes want me to dress a certain way or put on makeup for an event that’s only going to result in me being naked and the makeup getting smudged off anyway. I do however, reserve the right to veto attempts at photography or videography. It’s too easy these days for that crap to end up on YouTube or something even if you don’t want it there.

There, four simple rules for each spouse and we can avoid nastiness. Well most of the time anyway. I’m sure I’ve missed some sexual thing or two that each or both spouses should keep in mind, but that’s why there’s a comment section for blog posts.

(I’m only making that face in the photo above because I just used some Herbal Essense shampoo. Really. Oh, yeah, that isn’t even me. But I am making that face right now. Maybe.)

Porn-again threat assesment

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All right, as promised in yesterday’s post, here’s my color-coded threat assessment list for pornography consumption (patent pending). The U.S. Department of Homeland Security is expected to implement this assessment itself by the end of 2009. Violators of Levels 2 or Level 3 have a high probability of a visit, and severe beating, by Sister Mary Malcontent over there on the left. Unless of course you like that sort of thing, in which case the beating will come from this guy right here. (Violators of level 1 don’t want to know who, or what, might be visiting or what they might do to you.)

This post should satisfy the quota for sexual gratuity in my subject matter in this blog for the next week, give or take, thus securing the Deacon Blue moniker and reassuring people that despite my many other posts that don’t involve sex, I’m willing “to go there” for the ratings.

Porn User Threat Assessment Table

Level 1: Brown Alert

Status: You view porn that actually features foul, abusive and illegal/morally repugnant actions, such as kiddie porn, porn that include actual torture or rape, or snuff films.

Assessment: You are a steaming pile of defecation straight from the bowels of a carrion-eating animal with a terminal case of colon cancer and a parasitic infestation in its guts. You should immediately destroy all of the nasty porn you own, which is so foul that to even call it “porn” besmirches the questionable moral character of hardcore S&M porn and its ilk. After destroying this porn, you should immediately seek professional help and seek Jesus, in that order. You are a potential threat to someone helpless or innocent. If you are at threat level BROWN and actually claim to be a Christian whose salvation is assured, I would suggest you re-examine that assumption, because I think you’re dead wrong…and probably hellbound.

Level 2: Tan Alert

Status: You own porn that simulates the activities above by such means as using adult actors who look very young and portray children having sex or animated porn that glorifies rape, child sexual abuse, and the like.

Assessment: You aren’t that far off level brown, dude (or dudette). You are a shit smear on an already soiled pair of undies. To own this material is to be someone who quite likely aspires to own something in the BROWN alert level of porn. Same advice as for the BROWN level porn user. You have something off in your head and you are a potential danger if you don’t curb yourself now.

NOTE: Anyone in the BROWN or TAN alert levels who is now (or has in the past) actually engaged in something like rape, sex with a child, or the like—either in addition to owning such porn or in lieu of it—must immediately pass “Go” and head directly to jail. Do not destroy your porn but instead box it up neatly and give it to the nice police officers as you confess to all your crimes and ask the court to take no mercy on you in terms of sentencing. Then seek Jesus. While you are in prison and when you leave prison, seek counseling to turn yourself into a human being instead of a monster.

Level 3: Scarlet Alert

Status: You own either very hardcore porn (such as extreme S&M or brown shower stuff or bestiality or something like that) or you own such an overwhelming amount of porn that you cannot interact with a member of the opposite sex in a normal human fashion and have no hope of a date, much less marriage. You also achieve this threat level if your time on the Internet is mostly spent looking for porn, such that you have turned into very nearly a full-time job.

Assessment: Please tone down the porn and get a life. A little Jesus might not hurt, either. And take a shower. You’re getting ripe with all that sweating and drooling in your dank room.

Level 4: Red Alert

Status: Your collection of movies at home is rather heavily slanted toward porn and/or your computer is filled with the stuff. Your porn isn’t necessarily extreme and you don’t spend all your time looking at it, but it’s become an addiction for you. It is causing damage to your relationship with your spouse or other sexual partner (if you have one) and/or you are allowing the porn to dictate and drive your expectations of what sex should be.

Assessment: Same as SCARLET level but you probably don’t need the shower as badly as he or she does.

Level 5: Goldenrod Alert

Status: You like porn, but you don’t let it rule your life.

Assessment: I have no problem with you. Carry on. Just make sure you put people first a good share of the time. People other than you, that is. If you only own erotic fiction and don’t actually use porn with visuals, you actually get to be Level 5.5, Chartreuse Alert.

Level 6: Cyan Alert

Status: You don’t own porn.

Assessment: More power to you. Just don’t get judgmental about those who do and aren’t hurting anyone in the process.

Level 7: Silver Alert

Status: You don’t own porn, and even when you have mental fantasies in the bedroom or for “solo acts” you only visualize your spouse.

Assessment: Are you kidding me? There are only two possibilities here. First, you are one of the most self-controlled people who has ever walked the face of the earth. (Even when I even try to visualize past events in my life with my mom or dad, both of whom were great parents, their faces always morph at some point, even if only momentarily, to some other adult figure in my life or some person I’ve never seen before.) The second possibility is that you are a damned liar and have visualized Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Katie Couric, Anderson Cooper, or some other media stud/babe on multiple occasions.

Level 8: Gold Alert

Status: You not only don’t own porn, you don’t even fantasize about your spouse, and you’ve never masturbated even a little bit.

Assessment: Are you human? Seriously. Might you be an android or something? Because if not, I don’t know what to say, except that please don’t try gunning for Jesus’ spot. It’s already taken.

Stepping out

You don’t know jack(ing off)

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OK, it’s been two weeks since my last post directly related to the carnal pleasures that help keep porn sites in business—time to sex it up again. Otherwise that whole Deacon Blue thing is gonna become irrelevant. And I notice traffic picks up here when sex is involved. Yeah, big surprise there.

But this time, instead of exploring whether God cares what you do between the sheets, we’ll be taking a firm hold on the ever-pressing, explosive (OK, enough puns) issue of whether He cares what you do with your right hand. Or left hand. Or the little cordless hand-held vacuum. Or the wheel-and-pulley system you created so that you can keep your hands free to work the computer or turn the pages of your favorite centerfold pictorial.

Yes, folks, it’s time to talk about one of the old favorites: Masturbation. Choking the chicken. Slapping the salami. Jacking off. Need I say more? (OK, I do need to say more…ladies, why aren’t there any good slang terms for you? Frigging is just too British to have universal appeal, and I know y’all are helping yourselves out, with and without battery-operated aids. Must we be so formal? Come up with something. The best I can think of is exploring the delta—and that isn’t all that catchy.)

From parental threats that God will send you to hell for masturbating to saying this activity will cause hair to grow on your palms (again, there is a gender bias here; how come girls never got a similar threat? Honey, your finger will shrivel and fall off if you keep sticking it in there…), this has been one of the oddest areas for attack by ultra-right-wing God-fearing Christians and even some in the middle of the road. Somehow, self-pleasuring got labeled as self-abuse.

What am I…raping myself? Defiling the holy temple of my body? Fornicating with myself?

Nonsense.

Some would argue that masturbation robs one’s spouse of “natural affection.” In other words, if you’re doing yourself, you ain’t doing your significant other enough. Again, nonsense. Yes, it is possible to rob your spouse of affection, but unless you’re hiding behind masturbation all the time to avoid sex with your spouse, that doesn’t apply here. Women can explode over and over (and it’s a good thing men can’t or you’d never get us out of our rooms) and men, well, let’s put it this way: Most couples don’t go at it every day, or even every other day or so. No matter what anyone says, most couples are lucky if they do the do once a week after they’ve been married more than a couple years. Frankly, I think it’s a service to one’s wife to keep the package in regular use. Otherwise, you go several days or a week or two (depending on what’s going on) between sex, and then we men are going to be blasting off into space before we’ve even gotten you women to the pre-launch procedures.

Religious obsessions with masturbation even gave us the term onanism as a synonym for masturbation, named after a guy named Onan whom God killed for jacking off. Well, sort of. See Genesis chapter 38 for the whole story, and there’s an interesting Wikipedia piece on Onan too.

Onan did something more to piss God off than just jack off (or perform a little coitus interruptus, depending on how you read the story). Much like Jonah got some wrath handed down on his ass when he refused to do something big for God, I imagine the problem with Onan was that God had made it pretty clear that he was supposed to get Tamar in a family way. Why? I don’t know. God works through people and circumstances and over the long run most of the time. Maybe through her some generations down the road someone critical to God’s plans was supposed to be born—and Onan’s disobedience set that back by centuries. Point is, apparently Onan knew what he was supposed to do and not only told God “no” but decided to metaphorically rub God’s face in it by essentially saying, “Oh, and by the way, I’m going to empty my ball sacks just to show you I’m the boss here.” Bad move to waggle your dick in the creator’s face, dude.

I mean, if God was so down on masturbation, he would have killed a whole lot of other MoFo’s in the Bible. As much as God doesn’t like homosexual sex, I don’t recall Him killing off any gay folks. Sodom and Gomorrah don’t count, by the way, even though we get the word sodomy from one of those towns. The problem wasn’t that guys there buggered other guys on the regular. Problem was those cities were just plain depraved. A hell of a lot more than man-on-man action was going down. Any place where it is a common and accepted practice for folks to wander around in groups and gang-rape people who are new to town is a place I want God to wipe off the map, thank you very damn much.

Some argue that masturbation is a form of unnatural birth control or argue that every sperm is a potential person. Well, first off, that means you can’t knock women for masturbation because they don’t eject their eggs when they do it. And as for men, the sperm get old, die and are recycled constantly anyway. They go to waste if we don’t have any kind of release, so by the “birth control” or “life killing” logic, we sin as men if we don’t have sex starting as soon as we hit puberty, and have it every day. Anyone on board for requiring every 12-year-old male to get married and have lots of kids?

Didn’t think so.

I think we have this issue in hand now…er, under control now. Back to your stations.

(Image from www.freeimages.co.uk…like I was gonna put an erect dick or something else up there for this post. You wish, ya dirty minded freak.)

Between the sheets

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I know, I know…here I call myself Deacon Blue, mention how I’ll be hitting touchy topics, and so far I’ll I’ve done mostly is call people out for narrow-mindedness.

Ooooo, how racy.

Well, I never said I’d be a non-stop, one-stop-shopping place for juicy, racy, raw stuff, but here we come, finally, to some sex. About damn time, too.

Before I start opening myself up to threats of violence and flame wars for specific stuff like homosexuality, abortion and more, let’s start general. I’m probably already taking enough of a chance with the photo I’m using today. The Christian Coalition could be on my doorstep any second now to haul me away.

So, let’s ask the question: Does God really give a shit what we do in the bedroom? Or, for that matter, on the kitchen counter, in the back of the SUV, in the bushes at the back of the public park, or in a large vat full of cherry Jell-O?

Well, yes. And, no.

How’s that for commitment? But seriously, there is an answer. Let’s start with sex itself. Did God create sex simply for procreation? Um, a big “no” on that one. Folks, God is not in the game of making things enjoyable and tantalizing simply for the sake of trying to get us to fuck ourselves up. It’s true that many sinful things are tantalizing, but sex itself is not made to be a trap for us. God made sex to be enjoyed. He made it so that it could be a deep bonding (or even bondage) experience for couples. He also made it for making babies.

If he only wanted us to be fruitful and multiply, God would have either given us mating seasons like the animals have or He would have made it a sin not to have kids or something like that (and I defy anyone to show me a Bible passage that says you have to have kids). If you want some evidence that the Bible supports the enjoyment of sex, here are some tidbits:

Proverbs chapter 5, verses 18-19

Let thy well-spring be blessed, and get thy joy from the wife of thy youth. A loving hind! a graceful doe! Let her bosom content thee at all times and in her love mayst thou stray evermore.

OK, a little flowery, and I used one of the older translations, but damn, that’s pretty sexy in a Hallmark card/Harlequin romance kinda way.

First Corinthians chapter 7, verses 3-5

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time…

In other words, once we marry, we are supposed to both give and take when it comes to the enjoyment of our bodies. Yes, we have the right to say “no” but overall, we are supposed to relish in the chance to bond with each other sexually.

And here’s the capper, as far as I’m concerned, and will make those of you with more…um, exotic…tastes feel better:

Hebrews 13:4

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

I prefer the King James Bible version on this one that I use above, mostly because with more modern translations, people tend to skew it more fully toward the meaning that sex is OK among married people, while glossing over the “undefiled bed” part of things. Yes, part of the undefiled bed business is that you remain faithful to your spouse. But the other part is that pretty much whatever two consenting adult married folks do to each other is OK. Consenting, remember? Neither husband nor wife can force an act on the other person with justification. For more on that consent issue and the Bible’s view on the wrongness of abuse, see Ephesians chapter 5, verses 28 and 29 (“So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.”) This talks about men, but as with so many things in the Bible, it really applies to both genders.

But within the bounds of consent—let ‘er rip! You want to wear black leather boots and a red latex bustier and bring the vibrator along for the ride? Go for it! You like a little riding crop across the ass? More power to ya! You think having a French silk pie mashed between your privates sounds cool? Go for it, but please put some plastic on top of your bed so you don’t ruin those sheets. Think a sheep sounds cool…

Whoa! OK, we have to draw a line there on that last one. Last time I checked, animals were living creatures that lack the ability to give consent. Also, the Bible is really, really clear that men aren’t supposed to lie down with animals, particularly in one passage. In fact, it’s so clear that a couple lines later, the same passage also notes that women also aren’t supposed to “do the do” with beasts. What’s funny is in that same passage of scripture, men are admonished not to have sex with other men yet that no-same-sex sentiment isn’t repeated for the women (one of those confusing bits in the Bible), but we’ll talk about gay/lesbian/bi/transgender stuff in more detail some other day.

Also, get that ménage à trois, foursome and moresome stuff out of your head. Not that I don’t appreciate the entertainment potential for such bedplay, but that involves issues like fornication and adultery (even if the two married folks want to claim Biblical immunity, they’d be encouraging the third person (and fourth, and so on…) to commit two sins, and that ain’t cool).

Now, I’ve been hitting the married couple thing heavily here, and there’s a reason: Sex outside of marriage isn’t biblically defended. That said, premarital sex (a.k.a fornication) is one of those sins, much like lying, coveting and not honoring our parents (to name just a few) that the vast majority seem pretty much doomed to commit. It ain’t right to do it, but it ain’t the only sin we go bonkers over. And I can guarantee that at least 3 out of every 4 preachers who lambast people for fornication have had premarital sex themselves, even if it was only with the women they eventually married. And the other 1 out of 4 probably dreamed and jacked off about the idea of it so much that they might as well have just gone and done it.

(Photo from www.anvari.org)

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Tag Archives: sex

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